i know you know they know we know you know they know

there is not one person on this earth who is guilt-free of having a certain type of inflection in their voice when speaking to a dog or a baby. please. your voice either gets really high or it gets even higher than really high. we all sound like total idiots when we're around a 4-legged, house bred creature or an infant who just sits there and drools.

the absolute worst, though, is the "i know" scenario. obviously, these dogs and babies can't carry on a conversation with us (unless it's wishbone or the e-trade baby who, by the way, is probably gonna be a hottie when he's older... JUST SAYIN'. the kid already has his shit together financially and he's still sucking on his mama's teet), but some people are so taken by this inability to chatter that they create these fake conversations in their minds where all they can say to the dog or baby is "i know!"

i witnessed this the other week at a bar during a weeknight. i was with my friend who has the most amazing boxer dog you'll ever lay your eyes on. that said, everyone wants to pet him and be his best friend - he just has that kind of aura, ya know? our waitress must've thought so, too, because she could NOT get enough of this dog. every single time she came out to check on us, she had a heart-to-heart with him, and it went a little something like this:

her - i know!
dog - ...
her - i knowwwwww. i know.
dog - ...
her - i know!!! i know!
dog - ...
her - ohhh yesss i know!

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT THE DOG KNOWS THAT WE ALL DON'T KNOW? WHAT IS HE TELLING YOU? WHAT ARE YOU LEAVING US OUT OF? I WANT TO KNOW.

WHAT
DO
YOU
KNOW!!!

just because the dog is licking your face and wagging his tail doesn't mean he's trying to communicate something profound to you. he's probably smelling bacon on your breath. or are you just assuming that he's THAT excited JUST because of you? so you're giving him positive reinforcement by letting him know that you know that he knows how special y'alls moment has been?

i'll give you something to know - MY ORDER. GO GET ME ANOTHER BEER AND LET'S KEEP IT BETWEEN YOU AND ME. NO ONE ELSE HAS TO KNOW.

sidenote: later that night, the dog and i got to talking and he told me he was, in fact, letting the waitress in on some seriously interesting information. he told me he was sorry for causing such a scene in public and i said to him, "i know."

-emma

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