wait on me waiter


waiters and waitresses alike are sneaky folk. why is it that they are always there when you don't need them, but can't be found when you actually require their assistance? it's so bizarre. they're either asking if you're okay way too often, like a best friend would do after a break-up, or they've quit mid-shift, said "eff this!" and walked out, leaving you waterless (for once) and confused.

i once had a waitress who, though sweet as could be, would NOT leave my table the eff alone. she came over in 5 minute increments, filling up that 1/8 of water that had been sipped, asking if we needed anything else, and taking a little too long to clear off any empty plates or beverage containers. finally, i said to her, "no, we're fine. we've been fine. we're going to continue to be fine. if we really need something, i will get up from my side of the booth, shimmy out of it like a stripper with tassles on her boobies, and find you. please stop asking so often. you're really ruining the mood over here." she was in complete shock and started welling up with tears. "i'm so sorry. i'm just trying to make a living and be tipped decently. i never know what's too much and what's too little. i guess that's why i'm single - i'm too overwhelming as a person and no one's ever going to love me. this is where it all goes downhill."

well, of course, we felt so bad for her, we had to invite her to sit down and have a drink after her shift was over. she ended up sitting with us for hours and dancing at a nearby club until the early morning. since that incident, we've become best friends. i go to her house during holidays and she even takes care of my kids on the weekends.


what parts of the above story were completely false?

a) my tell-off speech to said waitress

b) said waitress's reaction

c) us becoming life-long besties with testes

d) all of the above

if you guessed d) all of the above, i have great news for you: you're sharp as a wit and are ready to go back to work tomorrow all fresh-minded and smart! that was your test, and you passed.

i don't know why i just typed out that entire fake story. i guess it felt right. kind of like how making my bed every morning feels right - just like mom instilled in us as children.

however, i will say this: waiters really do have a 6th sense. if they know you're ACTUALLY going to need them for something dire, they disappear. kind of like the whole ex-boyfriend 6th sense phenonmeon. you know what i'm talking about. it never fails; when you are finally over an ex and moved on, happy, looking forward, maybe you even met someone else and are just in the beginning stages of "talking" - the ex contacts you. EVERY time, without question. it's like some alarm only they can hear (like a dog) sounds off in their brain that screams "she's happy! she's happy! time to contact. time to contact. make confused and ruin flow."  it's inevitable. damn bastards.