all things i love are taken away
what a depressing post title. no worries, though. per usual, this post may or may not have much to do with whatever i labeled it as. however, this entry has everything to do with what i labeled it as. confused yet? i'm not sure what the universe has against me, but it seems as though every time i find a new product of any shape or size that i love and become addicted to, it's pulled out from under me with defiant phrases like "it's being discontinued" "we aren't getting anymore shipments" and "you're shit out luck, bitch." this isn't in my head; ask anyone who's known me for a long enough time, and they will tell you "yes, emma has horrible karma when it comes to products she loves being discontinued or disappearing off the face of the earth. i've been there. i've seen the angst, and it's not pretty."
here's a visual list of products that have been taken off the shelves or i just legitimately can't find anymore, no matter how many stores i venture to:
dior's high shine lipstick. i found this line of love on a visit to Chicago to see my beloved sister. once we went high shine, we never went back. but, of course, as i was shopping for presents this past holiday season, a kind woman at Nordstrom informed me they are discontinuing this particular concoction of lip gold. and ya know what i said? "OF COURSE they are. i love it and wear it almost everyday, so why WOULDN'T they?" she looked at me with a frightened expression, and i stomped away.
MAC's slim shine lipstick. THIS lipstick being discontinued was the sole reason i was looking for a replacement lipstick in the first place, i.e. HIGH SHINE (pictured directly above in case your incredibly short term memory is serving you poorly today). can you believe this shit? seriously, the only reason i was even checking out dior's stuff in Chicago when i found high shine was because the MAC devils told me they were discontinuing slim shine. what IS it with my lipstick karma? everything i touch most certainly does not turn to gold; rather, as soon as i touch it, i place an invisible curse over the entire line of whatever it is. as soon as i touch it, its days are numbered.
benefit's "marry up" creamy eyeshadow. i got this little jar as a free gift once from sephora, and guess what? that's right. "oh, that color was only a sampler. they're not making anymore of those." THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT IT IN MY FREE GIFT BAG? here, emma! have this delicious, perfectly soft, neutral brown, creamy eyeshadow! become addicted. learn to love it. pair it with a vast array of other shadows, and never let it go. carry on to all your friends about what a great color it is. and when it runs out? YOU'RE SCREWED. and the thing is, i'm not even an eyeshadow girl! i usually only sport eyeliner and mascara, but i made an exception for this work of art. obviously, benefit could do no such thing for me. benefit? more like... disadvantage. or NON-benefit. heh.
this discontinuation case was like birthing a child and it being ripped out of your arms and given away without your consent. or like you coming home one day to kick back and relax by watching the newest episode of "how do i look?" and your DVR didn't record it -both equally earth-shattering situations.
the image above is of the "making waves" hair gel by graham webb. i was introduced to this during my sophomore year of college and never looked back. you won't understand if you don't have unruly, curly hair, but finding the PERFECT product that holds your hair exactly how you want with no crunch, no residue, only beauty is next to impossible. this changed my world: i did better in school. i got a boyfriend. i even was chosen to speak at a presidential function all because my curls looked so damn good (none of the aforementioned "life betterings" are legitimate). then, one day, i started noticing a vast shortage of my beloved hair gel in beauty stores, until ::GASP:: i was told by a ditz-employee, "oh they're not making that anymore. it's being discontinued." this one sent me over the edge. i called into the graham webb hotline (no joke). i wrote an angry letter (no joke). i drove to his house in the middle of the night, laid on his front lawn guzzling the gel saying "I'M GONNA EAT THIS ENTIRE BOTTLE! I'M GONNA PULL A FREDDIE PRINZE JR. AND DRINK THIS SHIT TO PROVE A POINT! I WILL DIE AT THE HANDS OF YOUR GEL IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!" (joke).
my life really hasn't been the same since this traumatic turn of events. ask my friends, man. i must've gone back and forth to the same beauty store 25+ times, buying products, trying them, hating them, crying, then returning them. you don't fuck with a curly-haired curl and her hair products. these people don't know how damaging it can be. i'll never get over this one.
yeah. i thought it looked perfect. same with my outfit that day. and i wonder why my early-teen self never had any boyfriends? oh well. denim skirts and cheap ass flip-flops were in. screw you. ANYWAY, i was hooked on this hair product as well and, per usual, it was ripped out from under my black cheapo flops. it was the very first incident of a long line of discontinuations to come. can you believe this pattern of horrible karma?
these last two i'm not 100% sure of - i don't think both of them have been straight-up discontinued, i just think that, for whatever reason, i'm having a really hard time finding either of them in the numerous stores i've searched:
the chobani i can live without - i already found a just-as-good substitute: oikos. HOWEVER, if that half&half doesn't show up soon in whatever store around town, i will crumble. i will literally fall into a heap on the floor and cry myself to sleep, then wake up looking forward to a steaming cup of joe only to remember i have no delicious half&half to use with my coffee, and the cycle will repeat itself. i don't know where the eff that half&half is, but i am begging the grocery stores gods and the land o' lakes gods to not turn on me. i'll never be the same.
so, there you have it. as you can see, i wasn't exaggerating. there are probably at least five more products i used to love that were discontinued, but these are the only ones i can reminisce on right now. i guess i'll just have to keep rolling with the punches whether they're in my face, hair or stomach.
screw you, consumer world.