kim kardashian gave me a virus


this texas-style ice storm has really got everyone in a tizzy. the entire city of Dallas is shut down (besides my work - that's a whole other post), and life has more or less come to a complete halt. in situations like these, one finds oneself exploring avenues they typically wouldn't, whether it be experimenting in the kitchen, bedroom or online. that's where kim kardashian comes in. **disclosure: if you haven't already seen her newest spread in W magazine, you might want to go take a peek now, so you better understand the angle of the situation i'm about to present to you. i would post the pics on here, but i don't want to subject my blog to that filth; i have class, ya know**

yesterday, my good friend at work came galloping over, insisting on if i had seen the above-mentioned W magazine spread.

"no?" i replied, confused.

"oh my gosh. you have to pull it up. we were all just looking at it over on my side. it's ridiculous. she says it's 'art,' but she's literally butt naked. like playboy."

"ughhh... right now?" i wasn't really in the mood, but then again, when would i ever be?

"YES. really fast."

so, i went to google images and clicked on the first picture it gave us and, sure enough, there was kim k in all her spray-painted glory.

"WHAT? are you fucking kidding me? 'this isn't supposed to be sexual. it's art.' OKAY, KIM. yeah, spray painting your boobs and planetbutt is art. mmkay. anything to show off, i guess." we ranted for a bit, then my friend trotted away and i went back to work.

that's when i noticed my computer was acting exceptionally odd. a screen popped up saying it had detected a virus, and i needed to run tests, like, NOW. fuck, i thought. fuckfuckfuck. at first, i held onto the hope that it was a fluke thing - ya know, just a pop-up that happens like spam. but, no. i ran tests. then had to download a security system. then run more tests.


"noooo waaaay," i groaned. so, i did what any tech-savvy employee does: turned my computer on and off 3 times. nothing. the virus box kept popping up like little pop-up farts on my screen, and any window i clicked open shut itself down immediately like it sensed the virus and ran away terrified.

kim kardashian's 15-inch ass crack gave my computer a 15-inch virus.

luckily, the IT guy is a HUGE Seinfeld fan and thinks i look and act like elaine, so i was okay with running to him to explain the issue. HELL NO, i didn't tell him WHY or HOW my computer was messing up. yeah, "i mean, i just was looking at naked pictures of kim kardashian and SUDDENLY her huge areolas and nicki minaj-esque ass attacked the screen!" no. i just said, "i don't know! it just started acting so weird." not like he couldn't figure it out in .2 seconds using his super secret networking systems, but it made me calmer and less dirty-feeling to play dumb - just like the kardashians do.

no worries. he fixed it, and we had a semi-awkward 15 minute conversation while we waited for the entire system to reboot. he had to completely delete me out of the system and add me back in. "looks like you got a bad virus on here, emma." "WHAT?! no way! ugh. weird" ::face turning bright red from thoughts of 15-inch ass cracks running through my head::

she gave my computer 25 viruses and all for nothing. her spray painted "art" spread took a poop out of her spray painted ass into my console and stole a little dignity and about 30 minutes out of my day. thanks for nothing, miss kardashian.

moral of the story: be sure the IT guy at work likes you. a lot.

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