tis' the season for forced love

with valentine's day on the rise, i thought i'd go against my normal grain and write a post that's actually relevant and timely. so boring already, right?


i have very mixed feelings about valentine's day, sort of like i have mixed feelings about whether it's admirable or not that i haven't gotten my hair trimmed since last may (i like it long, and the woman always fucks it up - YES, it is possible to fuck up a straight-across cut on curly hair).

on one hand, the ultra girly side of me is like "MY boyfriend better get me flowers, cookies, a card and treat me like a fairy princess complete with tiara and golden hair." but, on the other, more cynical hand, i'm like "valentine's day is so stupid whether you're single or not. oh cool, chocolates. oh wow, flowers. oh swell, extra sex?"

it's the age old conundrum of thinking it's dumb, but secretly being depressed if you don't see it/feel it celebrated in any sense at all. regardless, though, this "special" day is capable of  stirring up feelings of either giddy love or singleton depression in every individual. society made it clear a long time ago that we would recognize this day, act nicer during it and make it all romantical and shit.

so here are two separate lists of tips i have created for the single celebrator and the attached one. i do hope they help; they should.

all the single ladies

(i tend to always lean this way and not relate posts as much to males, but if you're a guy, you're smart enough to take my tips and converting them into male-related ones):

--valentine's day presents a special (and rare) opportunity to call up all of your exes and ask them what went wrong. of course, if you did the dumping, disregard this tip. however, if you were the dumped, give 'em a ring or shoot 'em a text and simply ask "WHY?" be sure you're loaded on peach schnapps (ooo, so girly) and oreos prior to putting your heart on the line. it'll make the response you receive go down easier.

--try on swimsuits for the day. nothing will boost your confidence and make your self-outlook a positive one more than this. valentine's day couldn't come at a better time; smack in the middle-to-end of winter, when you're finally opening your eyes to the fact that "hey! i've gained several pounds this winter and kinda look like shit." use trying on swimsuits as an alarm clock for waking up your bodily health and let it motivate you! see? everything negative can be turned into a positive. (also, be sure you are loaded on schnapps during this process as well and to pat your stomach roughly like an overweight man as you look in the mirror).

--if you can muster up some single girlfriends to sit around with you and soak up each other's singleness, go for that. bash love and boys and bond while you know you're most likely going to cry yourself to sleep that night. now, if most of your good friends are attached and even your parents are celebrating on their own and don't want you to be apart of the equation, i have 3 valentine's night words for you:

vibrator, wine, vickycristinabarcelona

these are to be used as a group, not one or the other. no substitutes, no item left behind.

now to the 20somethings who act like married couples:

--have sex

--have some wine

--maybe try and attempt cooking dinner together without bickering too much (but, girls, don't try and dress all sexy while you cook. not only is it pointless, but you could end up burning your vagina. "today, ina garten makes her speciality: 'cooked crotch'").

--guys, get her flowers. i don't care what a girl says, she will always secretly (or not so secretly) LOVE getting flowers. and if she truly hates them, break up with her. that's like someone truly hating dogs or children or chipotle.

--have sex again. even if it's forced and you really aren't in the mood for anymore touching, just do it twice so you can at least say valentine's day WAS different and sexier than every other day. that is, unless you have sex twice-five times a day already, then you're in the clear (sluts) (jk, just passionate) (jk, weird) (jk).

from the bottom of my sometimes corny, sometimes cynical and usually pretty open and big heart, i say:

(precursor: this isn't gonna rhyme at all nor will it really follow the tune of the song)

L - is for the way you laugh when you're mad

O - is for oreos or orgasms, depending on your current "situation"

V - is very, very annoyed by other people getting flowers and candies

E - is for everybody deserves to be loved unless you're charlie sheen or the kid who plays his son on that show



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