facebook hates me

facebook and i don't seem to get along anymore. what started as an exciting, fresh and sexy relationship has slowly, throughout these past several years, turned into a relationship we're both just hanging onto because we've gotten too comfortable with each other and we're scared of what else is out there.

facebook, we need to talk.

i used to be obsessed with you. any boy who had my heart was stalked for hours upon hours on your "pages." when you changed the status bar application to where we could freely express what we were TRULY doing as opposed to saying "in the library" "at home" "getting roofied," it changed my life. when you added the ability to post pictures, i experienced my first internet orgasm. then, something happened. the spark faded. i got a serious boyfriend, stalked every last bitch i hated til i could stalk no more, and logging onto you became more of an annoyance than a pleasure.

i grew up. i graduated college. i entered the real world where facebook became more of an anxiety-provoking tool than that attention whore i needed to please. and, i wasn't the only one. i began noticing that a good number of bookers began dropping off the sacred site; their status updates became much less frequent, and the constant addition of new photo albums went from daily to weekly. when fellow facers were seeking a job, their profile underwent a total face change or disappeared all together. that huge slut i once knew now had pictures of just her and the fam out on the lake; the constantly drunk jock was now dressed in business suits surrounded by important looking people; i even found myself detagging countless pictures of myself - something i swore i would never do. "DAMN THE MAN!" i used to say. "if someone doesn't hire me because i was a NORMAL COLLEGE STUDENT WHO DID BEER BONGS EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE, i don't WANT to work for them!" i was a fool.

we all turned lame.

then, we all got jobs. slowly but surely, our graduating class and many close to our age were employed and felt safe again. we settled into our cubes and gave it a few weeks to get to know our colleagues. once we felt secure and had attended a good number of happy hours with the office staff and had gaged the drinking norm within our work environment, we figured it'd be okay to get back on the book. and that's when my cage got rattled.

facebook doesn't like me and i don't like it. the only quality about the book i find useful and fabulous is the "like" button. amazing. simple. perfect.

other than that, unless your facebook status is about buying a puppy, going to a concert everyone would know about, eating at a restaurant everyone has eaten at or about your boyfriend doing something sweet that no one else gives a flying fuck about, you go unnoticed. maybe i'm being sensitive and over thinking this, but i stand by what i what i say. you've gotta be a likeable person from all angles and have a pretty huge cult following for anyone on the book to "like" your shit or comment on it. and i'll tell you what - I'VE HAD IT.

twitter is my love, my life. twitter fills me with the kind of pleasure only a real online website could. 140 characters to figure out how you're going to get your message across and perhaps make someone chuckle? i accept the challenge. over and over and over and over and over.

don't get me wrong; i will continue to post things that appeal to me on the book, but there will always be a premeditated sense of hatred and low expectation behind it. i will use it to let you know where i am and how popular i am that day/night; i will use it to post pictures and videos or things i consider funny and cool that you should, too, but won't; and i will most certainly use it to update you about things in my life that i consider public information everyone needs to be made aware of. but know this...

I WILL HATE EVERY SECOND OF IT.

emma2 Comments