happy birthday to me

my birthday is this coming monday, april 4. and not only did i arrive a week early (which is why i believe i see the number "11" everywhere), but i couldn't figure out how to not smash my face directly into my mom's pelvic bone, therefore the doctors were all like "WELP. after 6 months of straight vomiting and 9 months of this brat sitting directly on your bladder, resulting in you constantly having to pee all the time, we're now gonna have to slice your stomach open and pull her out." sorry, mom. i love you? birthdays are weird. when you're young, they're okay; you get things you actually want and you feel free reign to proclaim your sibling's birthdays are just as much yours as they are theirs and steal their gifts. everyone looks forward to birthdays because it means barbies, then makeup, then a cell phone, then a car, then the billy elliot dvd (ssshh....).

ok wait. let me back up. that was then.

NOWADAYS, it's more like you get an iphone at birth, then an ipad on your 1st birthday, causing your living room to look like this any given day:


then you have makeup to look forward at age 4, then designer shoes at age 5, an ipod at age 6, then designer clothes, then another iphone because you broke yours your first time being drunk at age 12, then a brand new foreign car at age 14 because daddy wants you to be able to enjoy it for a few years before you can actually drive it, then a boob job (or nose job) for graduation, then rehab to get over your coke addiction and eating disorder.

exhibit a:

once you turn 21, it truly does go downhill. first off, turning 21 is about as anticlimactic as bethenny admitting she used to have serious issues with food. on top of that, there isn't much to look forward to after 21 besides graduating, being really confused and scared, crying, losing weight, putting it back on, feeling awkward and lost and happy hours - lots and lots of happy hours.

in all honesty, though, for the first time in my young adult life, i DO feel wiser this year and just a tad bit older.

(me on my birthday last year:)

granted, i think i (along with a few other select people i know) may have experienced one of the worst first years out of college full of angst, upset, anger, sadness and confusion. but, after making my way through that massive pile of shit that was polluted with alcohol, diarrhea and vomit, i came out alive and well and cleansed. so, yes. this year i DO feel wiser and i am happy to be leaving the number 3 and saying hello to 4.

it's weird getting older and it makes me sad sometimes, but i think back to how i was or looked a few years ago, and i know i wouldn't truly want to go back to that. that's a life without wine, cooking meals at home and one-piece swimsuits.

join me in wishing myself a happy birthday on monday. or don't. i don't care. i'm wise enough to know you don't matter.

i wish that i knew what i know now, when i was younger...