deciphering a catalog

i used to really love urban outfitters - like, a lot. well, i guess i really still do, but the love is different and somewhat tainted. i've had enough of their tank tops and t-shirts fall apart or shrink, and it's proven time and time again that you are always paying too much for their seemingly awesome shit. of course, they're still great  and i still want everything i see, however, my love has grown more mature and independent. i'm not the needy urban customer i once was. on that note, i got the new catalog the other week for april (kinda late fellas, doncha think? i mean, it's almost may) and uncharacteristically started flipping through. you see, i'm not a catalog shopper. i am, first and foremost, an in-person shopper and have slowly but surely began dabbling in the whole online shopping addiction (i'm actually sending back a swimsuit this week. not a smart purchase to make online, but i'm an idiot).

urban's catalog is hilarious. i mean, some of the funniest shit i've ever seen. they really do a fantastic job making it entertaining to read and gawk at. wait, what? what is that you say? OH - it's not MEANT to be like that? i'm not SUPPOSED to be laughing and thinking "what idiots" as i flip through? how is that possible? have YOU ever taken a second to really look through an urban outfitters catalog? here. i'll show you (you saw that coming from a mile away, didn't you?):

exhibit a:

now here we have a "closet." i use quotation marks because we all know this isn't REALLY a closet. or, maybe it is. maybe urban is so forward in their thinking of fashion, they know something we don't. perhaps this is the future of closets: ladders, Grecian styled stands, random poles, a plant. THIS, my friends, is the URBAN way. don't you wanna be cool and hip? then make THIS your closet.

 

exhibit b:

this guy is showing the rest of the world how to enjoy army cargo shorts the RIGHT way. you don't just WEAR them. you lay in them. you feel them. you feel yourself. you think of dirty things while you're feeling yourself. maybe you think of being on a beach in your army cargo shorts and hot volleyball babes surround you, feeding you grapes and bouncing volleyballs off one another's chest (w the f?) the only catch here is you have to make sure you have the cheap couch and denim shirt to complete the entire process.go buy you army cargo shorts today and get ready to lay the fuck down on a couch.

 

exhibit c:

now THIS is a real party. urban doesn't screw around; they know exactly how to throw the bash of the year and how to dress for it. i see balloons and three pouty faces. it's not a party without a blond bitch in the corner with folded arms and a sour look on her punim. and don't forget to grab an odd head wrap to wear as you sit and do nothing. you see, urban doesn't believe in parties with energy, no. they believe in cool parties. parties where you sit, stone faced and dance in your mind. that's a fucking party.

 

exhibit d:

i see your nipple! but not all the way, just a faint hint. barely a tease. but i know it's there, and that's the point. overt sexuality? psh. no. subtle sexuality with a side of nipple. look at that tussled beach hair. she's so blond and beachy, she doesn't give a shit. and we all know that, as women, the only way to wear that tank top is braless. it makes complete sense and that's how most everyday women would wear it. forget colorful bandeau bras underneath or even a patterned bra, no. i will be purchasing this, wearing it braless, dying my hair blond, and standing on a beach. and i would expect nothing less from any one of you.

 

exhibit e:

this look should be illegal all together because it's just too hip and too cool and i don't know how in the hell a normal girl like me could ever pull it off. a wig colored like the beloved wendy's character with some of my OWN hair poking out? NO. TOO SEXY. i really see what they were going for with this particular picture: drive-thru chic. after a long, crazy day at the beach where you sat around with other pouty faces and didn't do much, you decide you want some wendy's. well, thrown on this wig, be sure 1/16th of your hair is poking out, and bring the hip to wendy's. and don't forget to forget your pants.

 

exhibit f:

i don't know about you, but this was the picture that really did me in. i mean, how you can see every piece so CLEARLY. they might as well have been smacking me in the face with the clothing, because this picture is so precise, so detailed, i can't handle it. i wanted everything i saw in this truck. urban is a master at really displaying their clothing the right way. they're so far, yet so close and, as always, having a fantastic time full of laughter, smiles and overall upbeat facial expressions.

 

exhibit g:

he knows how lucky he is to have her on his shoulder. not many women can pull off a mickey mouse sweatshirt (VINTAGE mickey, by the by), a floor-length skirt and a thick as whole milk scarf. actually, their biggest issue is that guys will not leave her alone. they've come incredibly close to breaking up like 10 times or something like that because men just FLOCK to her shit. there's something about that amish-inspired skirt and pullover sweatshirt with a childhood cartoon character on it that just SCREAMS "TAKE ME NOW." she can't help it; she's just that cool. she tries to explain to mr. personality that it's not her fault, and she's not going to stop wearing this sexual clothes just because other guys can't control their urges. best of luck to you both. true love is rarely ever a smooth path.

 

okay, so NOW do you see what i'm saying? the catalog is hilarious! and pretty insightful, too. if anything, it shows me things i can't see, i don't want, i would never pair together, all the while filling up the perfect amount of space in my trashcan.

in other words, i love shopping there, i just don't do catalogs.

happy monday, everyone.

-emma

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