emma goldenlocks and the three pedis

my mama told me when i was young...


if you've never heard that saying before, allow me to explain. you've heard people say "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." or perhaps "if it gets you drunk, who cares?" or even "if you want someone to change, just nag them until they can't take it anymore."

"don't get off the boat" is a saying that means if something is working and is reasonably good, don't go looking for something you think could be better, because chances are, you won't find it. i've learned this lesson multiple times when it comes to my hair. if you know me at all (or if you struggle with your hair such as i do), you know the trials and tribulations i have suffered when it comes to styling my locks. i'm an aries and i tend to get bored unnaturally easily and go looking for new stuff when what i have is already great.

this post is a fable (aka a story that should leave you with some sort of enlightening insight to carry out for the rest of your life). and so it begins...

once upon a time...

there was a girl who grew up with a mother who instilled in her the importance of getting a pedicure every three weeks or so. when the girl reached a certain age, she was so committed to her almost-monthly pampering that she could not imagine going without it. sure, one of her best friends was as good as any asian woman in a nail salon when it came to painting toes and fingers, but this girl believed in the system of pedicures, the whole experience.

upon graduating college, the girl moved to an unfamiliar part of town, 20ish minutes away from where she had lived the better half of her teenage life. although she was completely in love with this new part of town, the salon she had once visited was far away and the idea of trekking up north made her cringe. the girl knew she was going to have to fight one of the worst battles: getting off the boat and finding a new salon. nonetheless, the girl strapped her life vest on and did a perfect swan dive into the body of water upon which this metaphorical boat sailed.

the first salon the girl visited was off the beaten path. her coworker at her grown up job suggested she visit, given the fact they "had free wine and did a great job." the insides left little to be desired: old spa chairs, yellow tiles and televisions tuned into cooking channels was this salon's idea of relaxation. the pedicure itself was decent, but what sent the girl over the edge were numerous employees walking throughout the shop eating food. yes, eating food. sandwiches, pasta, and odd smells all together seemed to be a part of their pedicure process. to rebuttal, the girl gave this particular salon a second try and brought with her her very own pack of beef jerky, which she proceeded to finish off during her 45 minute toe session. after realizing the salon employees were completely unfazed as she devoured beef jerky and washed it down with cheap white wine, she decided to go elsewhere. this place just wasn't gonna cut it.

the girl's next stop was in the middle of one of the busier intersections in town. this place has to be legit, she said out loud to herself in her apartment. just to be safe, she decided to drag her friend along with her for company. this is what they saw when they walked in:

"are those the chairs?" the girl asked her friend with vomit slowly creeping its way up her throat. alas, these two girls were so stubborn, they decided to give it a chance. they took their seats in the beaten and battered BROWN RECLINER CHAIRS and began to laugh so hard, they couldn't look each other in the face. as if the brown recliner chairs weren't enough, they were each brought a plastic mini tub of hot water to rest their feet in, and much to their dismay, realized their feet could not reach the tub from the chair. so this is what had to happen:

yes, a phonebook was placed underneath the tubs in order to make the reach more manageable. as if they weren't already in shock and full of horror, the pedicure itself was terrifying. they were forced to set their wet legs onto the leather and couldn't control their laughter for the duration of it all. never again. never ever again.

the girl decided to get smart and start looking up reviews before diving head first into old recliner chairs. she found a salon incredibly close to her home that received pretty rave reviews online. thank goodness, she said out loud to herself in her apartment alone... again. she grabbed her trusty pedicure-enduring friend and headed to the new salon with hope in her heart and love in her eyes. this is what she got:

an asian grandfather rubbing his hands all over her legs. she sat the entire time with a sick grimace on her face and vowed she would


the moral is - DON'T GET OFF THE GOD FORSAKEN BOAT (oh, and if you're wondering how i snapped this photo of my trusty pedicure man, i fake coughed so he couldn't hear the "snap!" of the camera) (i don't have an iphone, you jackoffs) (not yet, anyway).


you're welcome.



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