things that used to be cool

there are several great things about trends: a) they are cool at the time

b) there are always new ones on the horizon

c) it's fun to make fun of old ones

i embarked on an 11 hour road trip this past weekend to gulf shores, alabama to indulge in a live music festival, and had much time to think in the car ride about trends. then, of course, i complied a list. and now, obviously, i am going to list them and go off on tangents about each one. of course, i'm sure i won't touch on many amazing ones, so feel free to leave an old trend idea in the comment section that we can discuss after this post. and we're off.


tangent: who doesn't love a pair of sweatpants but not really sweatpants but maybe leggings but maybe not leggings either but dance pants but not necessarily actual dance pants all rolled into one? i'll tell you one thing - this broad had a collection of them. brown, black, blue - you name it, it was in one of my dresser drawers. i'm not sure what the appeal was with these, really. capri-length casual pants that fit your butt, maybe teased the crowds with a bit of midriff and were loose and bell bottomy enough around the calf area that you could legitimately twirl in them. twirl in pants. i'd wear them with tiny thrift store shirts, rainbow sandals and fake glasses (what? they were cool and made me look cuter sometimes). some girls even sported them out with heels to socialize with males. i wasn't that brave. i mean, let's be real. you're reading posts from a lady who didn't make out til she was 15, didn't lose her virginity til she was 20, and has yet to try an oyster for fear of instant poisoning and death.

the bottom line: gauchos were fucking nasty and if you still own a pair, i suggest you burn them and have a party to celebrate  finally letting go of your awkward youth and moving onto jeggings.

trend: tucking your shirt in the front but not in the back. ALSO, cutting slits on the side of your jeans

tangent: i'm sorry. WHO THE EFF came up with the idea to tuck in the front of your shirt but not the back??? what were we going for with that look? "ehhh. i'm a 14-year-old girl who cares but doesn't but kinda does but you would never be able to tell because my whole shirt isn't tucked in nor is it fully out. ehhh." WHAT?! weren't we supposed to be discovering our lady parts at this age and desiring to show off our newly formed breasts? not hide them in some button down or regular shirt that was tucked in front but not in back. on that note, the whole "make tiny slits on either side of my jean ankles" thing was so bizarre. i clearly remember that the moment i was  FINALLY allowed to cut my jeans for the first time was like a rite of passage or losing my virginity. i was convinced it helped the jeans lay better against my TENNIS SHOES or DOC MARTINS and begged my mom to please let me try it with one pair.  and i instantly felt more accepted. nowadays, girls will have nothing to do with jeans that don't  sit flush against their entire leg all the way down to the ankles. fuck having your jeans lay perfectly. no. we don't even want them going anywhere NEAR our shoes. it's better if they're tucked IN to the shoes or just above them, bunched up just so. as a side note, it's my firm belief skinny jeans will never go out of style and if they do, i guess i'll be a fucking loser because i won't ever stop wearing them. NEVER!!!

the bottom line: why we felt the need as adolescents to only add to our awkward acne and hair with the no tuck but kind of tuck shirt debacle along with slitted jeans will always keep me confounded.

trend: handjobs

tangent: yeah, that's right. the ol' HJ. the go-to. the "i'm not ready to put that thing anywhere close to my braces, but i guess i'll yank on it" routine. the prude's fall back. the most awkward thing you could ever sexually do with a guy besides maybe getting walked in on. i remember my first one was THE BIGGEST deal. i did it on a 6 month anniversary - yeah, i know. i made it an "anniversary" present. "baby, i have a surprise for you. after patiently waiting for 6 months and suffering numerous bouts of blue  balls and make out only sessions, i'm ready to do to you what you to do yourself on a daily basis. except i'm not you nor do i really know how you do this AND you obviously have a much different angle than me, so, um, i guess let's just see what happens..." i'm not gonna sit here and try and pretend i didn't give h'ers up until i was oh, 19? everyone moves at a different pace, and i wasn't ready to take the leap away from them for a while. HOWEVER, looking back, they're just the most horrendously odd occurences in the world. i'll stop there because i'm sure i'm upsetting moms (my own mom included) who might be reading this right now.

bottom line: i'd rather dry hump.

trend: hanging out at drive-thrus 

tangent: i don't know about you guys, but on friday and saturday nights in high school, all the cool kids were at wendy's chillin in the parking lot eating nuggets. you weren't in the cool crowd unless you drove your 16-year-old ass to the local wendy's to sit. and stare. and sometimes actually get out of your cars to talk, but mostly sit there making eyes with whoever and hoping that, somehow, a make out would come of this incredibly ridiculous scenario. i remember when i was first invited to hang out at wendy's on a friday night. i felt invincible and oddly not hungry. you got dressed in your sluttiest attire (for me, a pair of bootcuts and a shirt that barely showed off any boobage) (i was nervous) and treated that parking lot like it was the hottest club in town and you were 18 or 21. or 20. whatever. the point is, drive-thrus were fucking hangout spots and that is so out of control bizarre. be it taco cabana, whataburger, wendy's - you know what your high school's bumpin fast food restaurant was. and you know it made or broke your weekend to be invitied to it or not. loser.

bottom line: i wonder how many girls can say they lost their virginity in a wendy's parking lot? probably a lot. or least got a fry stuck up their ass.

trend: CHOKERS

tangent: hang on. let me place or tie this necklace around my neck to make me look fatter. one second. okay, done. chokers, man. chokers. whether you bought them that way or made them out of anything you could find in the house (string, yarn, leather, suede, jean, pasta, utensils, straws...), you were going to sport a necklace that sat flush against your fleshy neck and be proud of it. "this choker makes me racier." "i feel this choker screams 'yeah. that's right. what? okay, see you later.'" i don't get it now, but i did back then and i know you did, too. fuck any necklace that even flirted with the idea of going past where my clavical ended. no. i thought wearing a choker with a guitar pick attached to it (since i'm SUCH a musician and knew SO many guitarists) or a black choker with weird things dangling from it was the shit. nowadays, necklaces can't be long enough. i have one that hangs all the way down to the tops of my feet. yeah, i trip on it throughout the day, but IT'S COOL and that's the point. i'd rather have a broken ankle than be unfashionable. no, i really don't have a necklace that long  but long necklaces ARE in and anyone still wearing chokers (unless it's a tiny gold chain with a tiny diamond on it) is either gothic or into weird tantric stuff and most likely has really bad teeth and wears long, velvet skirts (i may or may not be referring directly to someone i once knew).

bottom line: maybe chokers were our way of dealing with adolescent emotions; like we were sort of indirectly almost choking ourselves because we were so depressed that sammy wasn't asking us to the dance and susie had better hair than me.


i'm gonna stop there since i tend to be verbose, but this is will be back. this trend of writing about old trends has immortality - sort of like twinkies or cockroaches or cher.

stay cool, everybody


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