COSMO magazine for dummies

don't pretend you aren't 100% entertained by COSMO's crap. if you have boobs, a vagina and even a small hint of stereotypical female characteristics (trans-genders i'm looking at you, too), you buy COSMO just like every other chick and flip through those pages be it at home, by the pool or on the train. if it's in a car, on a bike, in a library, down the road. maybe it's on the toilet, secretly under you desk or at a party that's boring you to death. WHATEVER THE SITCH - you read that shit. admit it. i would like to start this post off by saying yes - most of COSMO's material is literally the exact same it has been for years, but, in their defense, some women do offer legitimate beauty/fashion/random tip offs in there. however, i'm not going to focus on the good with COSMO. no. i'm going to take one of their recent covers and break it down for you in a realistic way. i'm going to let you know exactly what you're in for with their "cover stories" even before you open up those pages filled with suggestive pictures of guys and girls getting it on and blatantly made up stories about "caught in the act" moments. allow me to cut the bullshit short for you, strip the fluff away and ruin all the sexy surprises.

here's our cover (from february):

now, if i had cool computer programs on my 2006 black macbook, i'd be able to label these for you accordingly and make it easier to follow along. however, i must make do with what i have and create something i know best: a list.

item a) "BAD GIRL SEX: 75 very naughty moves to try on a man"

translation of item a) "SLUTTY SEX: a ton of really weird positions and moves that no one would actually really try but we're gonna try and make you think they would and that if YOU do, you'll be a NAUGHTY FOX" - here's the deal. there really isn't a need to read up on 75 "naughty moves." i am telling you, 70 of these moves involve stroking his, um, taint and GUYS DON'T WANT THAT. at least guys i know and guys my friends know. "yeah, baby. lemme get that taint." no. not naughty. not sexy. how about this? just be yourself. try and be open, let go of your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin and be sexy. 9 times out of 10 a "different" and "naughty" position hurts like hell, is incredibly uncomfortable and doesn't feel good whatsoever for at least one of the participants. not to mention that some of COSMO's "naughty" moves in the past have been things like (and i quote) "while eating a piece of meat at dinner with your man, say something sexy like 'see how i'm devouring this piece of meat? that's how i'm gonna devour you later.'" okay, COSMO, okay.

item b) "25 ways to have fun with him"

translation of item b) "lots of embarrassingly corny and awkwardly sexual ways to keep him entertained" - this is the typical shit like "tie a blindfold around his eyes" or "cook breakfast naked!" or "role play in a public place via claire and phil dunphy" (which actually would be kinda hilarious). look, i know that relationships get stale after a while. i know that initial fun and excitement fades and you have to actually work at having a good time and coming up with different things to do. but don't listen to COSMO. because, if you do, chances are you'll end up in a worse spot than you began and have embarrassing stories to tell from it. the truth of the matter is that life isn't a romantic comedy. it's not always adorable to have a picnic in the park. ya know why? bugs. and the weather. and don't even get me started on natural lighting. here's something insanely fun: stay home all day on a saturday. fool around. watch movies. eat crap together. and fool around more. boom bam, you're done. NEXT.

item c) "FLATTEN YOUR BELLY: the new water sipping trick that crushes hunger"

translation of item c) "DRINK WATER TO CURB YOUR APPETITE AND TRICK YOUR STOMACH INTO FEELING FULL" - now, open to the page it's on and you will find one sentence that states exactly what i just wrote and that's all you need to know. if this is a news flash to you, i suggest you go take a long shower and wash the mound of poop that has built up in your scalp from your head being up your ass for so long.

item d) "8 things you MUST tell your gyno"

translation of item d) 1: i'm pretty positive i have the clap, 2: if it's not the clap, it's definitely something, 3: i'm kind of a slut, 4: there's an incredibly offensive odor that seems to follow me everywhere i go but it can't be me..., 5: i often black out and have sex at random, 6: it feels like someone's murdering me when i have sex - that's how bad it hurts. that's normal for my 75th time, right?, 7: i need more birth control, 8: i can't be sure but i'm pretty positive i'm pregnant. oh and can i throw in a number 9? i'm in my 20s and having to read about what to talk to my gyno about. i think i need to see a therapist about where my mom went wrong in communicating with me and/or grow up a lot.

item e) "GREAT GUY, LAME SEX?"

translation item e) you know how they say "nice guys finish last"? yeah, well. you get it. you could be the nicest, coolest guy in the world, but if you're bad, you're bad and i'm not a freakin chemist - i can't just CREATE chemistry out of nowhere. i got an A in chemistry (true story), but that knowledge goes as far as the periodic table and that's it. i know when you bring it and i know when you didn't bring it and you ain't ever gonna bring it so i'll see you around.

item f) "feel so confident, you could take over the freaking world!"

translation item f) "scientists have discovered a pill for all females that does away with every single tiny insecurity and will ultimately create a power race of just females" - every. single. girl. in. this. world. is. insecure. i don't care if you're 5'9, 115 lbs, a native brazilian with C boobs and a size 25/26 waist - you're insecure. and it's the girls who act the MOST confident who are the most insane about it. guys will never understand the pressures we feel, so all we can do is fake it til we make it and try our friggin damndest to be okay with things as they are. i promise you that article says something like "buy a business suit, a new lipstick and a extensions and you can be a world leader!" suck it, COSMO and pass me the ben and jerry's... with a side of wine.

item g) mila kunis

translation of item g) she might be the most overlooked young actress who is suddenly being noticed as super hot and sexy (which she is), but she will ALWAYS be "meg" to me. always.


that's that. i sincerely hope my breakdown and translation of this COSMO cover has left you with some sort of something. whether it be laughter, new ideas, confused thoughts, feelings of displaced anger or overall indifference... i just hope it instilled something in you.



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