some e(mma) cards

if you're at all funny or have a sense of humor, you know the beloved electronic card website some ecards. if you don't, i order you to exit off my blog immediately and go virtually sift through their infinite amount of hilarious cards - NOW. these guys, girls, people whatever create some of the most crazily sarcastic and completely random greeting cards you've ever read. the other day, while reading through the "friendship" section to find my best friend a card to send that basically said "thank you for putting up with me," i found these doozies that made me laugh in quiet silence in my cube:

and, the winner that i sent to my friend:

hilarious and truthful, right? well - now it's my turn.

i present to you some e(mma) cards.

thank you...

"thank you for the birthday present. it's really, uh, great. i can tell it's either a hand-me-down or was really cheap. however, i was raised by a good Jewish woman who instilled in me the importance of thank you cards. so, thanks. schmuck."

congratulations...

"hey. go you. good job on doing whatever you did to deserve a congrats. granted parole? awesome. cooked your first decent meal without burning something? great. went an entire week without tripping or bumping into something? i could cry. but don't let it get to your head or i will bring you back down to reality so fast, you won't know what hit you."

engagement...

"your mom called and let me know the engagement epidemic hit you guys, too. i'm so sorry. i know it's spreading throughout the entire country right now, but it's so weird when it happens to someone you know. i'll be here for you even after you become a statistic."

promotion...

"hey, girl, hey! heard you got promoted. that's awesome. good to know working your way up the food chain is as easy as gchatting all day and taking 2 hour lunches. can't WAIT for you to stop complaining about money and start paying for all the shit that i want while secretly resenting you and judging you if you ever say more thing about being 'so poor.' drinks on you this weekend and for forever!"

sympathy

"i feel soooooooooooooooooo bad for you. soooooooooooo bad. really. terrible. just awful. you'll get through it though, whatever it is. unless it's a really small hole in a door. or that space between a table and a wall that's not wide enough for you to squeeze your ass through. or if you're going to war because you and i both know you wouldn't survive for a day. but other than that, stay strong. you'll make it."

mother's day

"thanks, mom. thank you for having me and passing along your most distinguishable personality traits: emotional, worrisome, overly analytical, suggestible, intense, dramatic, and emotional. oh, i already said that one? no, it's fine. at least i got your nose."

father's day

"yeah, i know it's the same picture. thanks for your stomach. and your infinitely unsatisfied appetite. and your random mood swings. but also thanks for your people skills and your natural tan. oh and for NOT your blue eyes. selfish."

get well

"i'm a hypochondriac, so this card is all you're getting. i'm not coming within 20 inches of that. no, mam'. sorry you feel like shit, though. that sucks. ya know what doesn't suck? not being sick. i'm gonna go run 12 laps, drink beer and make out with no one. bye."

anniversary

"yay for us! we made it another year with the same sex, same quirks, same odd habits and same arguments. i wonder how much longer we'll be able to go before we rip each others faces off or just break up all together. eh, oh well. in the meantime, rub my back and tell me i'm pretty."

thinking of you

"thinking of you...... in the shower. and the bath. and my bed. and at work. and in the car. and in my closet. and under my desk. and in the work bathroom. and while i stalk you on the book. and while i dial *67 then your number. and outside of your place, through your window. all day. every day. you will be mine. oh yes. you will be mine."

happy birthday

"YOU SURVIVED ANOTHER YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S GO OUT TO BIG FANCY GIRL'S DINNER, SPEND WAY TOO MUCH ON FOOD, GET SHIT FACED AND CRY ABOUT HOW WE'RE OFFICIALLY IN OUR MID-20S. YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH AND I LOVE TO HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

 

send them to your friends, family, enemies or coworkers. pass along the love and let them know emma said what's up.

wee!

emma

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