everyday occurrences

i'm gonna smack you in the face right now with the firm hand of truth.

ADULTHOOD SUCKS.

not all of it, i guess. i mean, yeah, there's alcohol (not like college alcohol. ADULT alcohol). yeah, there's money (barely, but there's some). sure, you can call your own shots and not be expected to stay up til 4am studying (even though, you have to admit, those nights were kind of always fun). but the in-and-out of everyday life can and does become a drag. and boring. and tedious. and lame.

am i too young to be writing this? is 24 too young to already be thinking this way? i don't think so. i'm really only talking about M-F. and really then, only specifically the hours of 830am-530pm. i don't know about you, but in between bouts of getting work done, i am LITERALLY sitting in my cube shaking my leg. wringing my hands. applying more lipstick. drinking so much water that i get up to pee every half hour. these are our working lives... for now.

don't get me wrong; i love my job and my boss a lot (never heard that one before, have you?) regardless, my random and usually really inappropriate daily thoughts cannot be stopped, so i figured what better place to divulge them then on here? it's just that there are so many things i wish i could say or do throughout an entire day, and i need a place to document all of them in case i ever got the urge to let go of all my societal duties and go totally labia to the fence post. you know what i mean?

so, here's a list of things i wish could happen whenever, wherever:

---> i wish i could sing out loud in my cube without being judged. it's awkward enough only having one ear bud in, i just wish i didn't have to sit there and SCREAM glee music so quietly and noiselessly. if i could belt out mercedes' tunes, i promise you everyone's days would be better.

---> i wish i could ignore the people who wish they could ignore me. but i'm too nice and i guess i like to be the "bigger person" who says "hi!" when i damn well know that person isn't going to give me more than a half smirk frown. actually, i wish i could legitimately scoff at them when we walked by each other. "pfft." that was a scoff. not a fart. speaking of...

---> i wish i could fart. it'd be hilarious. just walk around and fart a little baby fart with each step, acting like i have no idea or that it's totally normal. what if farting at will was normal? some people think it is and i'd like to punch them in the face for the times i've been crop dusted. and i know what you're thinking, "you just said you wish you could fart!" yeah, that's because my farts don't smell. i fart flowers, bitches.

---> this is a big one and honestly a huge dream of mine. i wish SO BADLY that, just once, i could tell someone off during my infamous bathroom stand-offs. i wish i could be sitting there and hear some woman walk in and sit down and remain totally silent like me. and i'd be all like "hey. you. yeah, you. 3 stalls down. i was here first. i've been in here for 15 minutes listening to people come and piss and go and i've earned this privacy. i finally got this fucking bathroom to myself and you just pussy foot in here like you own the place and sit down expecting ME to budge? you wrong. you DEAD wrong. either shit or get off the pot. literally. because i gotta go and i refuse to surrender." or just a more simple "hey bitch. i was here first and i'm not leaving, so either get your business done or take it elsewhere." god i love bathroom stand offs.

---> i wish i could literally eat all day. i know a lot of cubeians already do this in some form or fashion, like snack on junk food throughout the day, but i'm talking like i wish i could bring in a veggie platter with ranch and not be judged for it. i'd just sit there all day, dipping carrots in ranch and doing my job. or like a cheese board. with meats. it'd probably end up stinking up the whole place, but it would taste so good.

---> god i wish i could apparate and disapparate. are you kidding me? before harry potter, i know people would choose flying or mind reading as their super power (which is retarded because why would you EVER want to know what people are really thinking about you?), but i dare someone to challenge me on why you're a total psycho if you don't automatically choose apparation as your super power. WHAT?! you can be ANYWHERE in seconds! feel like traveling to africa? POP. you're there. late for work? POP. at your desk. wanna see a movie but don't wanna drop $10 for a ticket? POP. i've been in this seat the whole time! i mean, come on. there is no competition. ugh, i love you, J.K.R. pop pop.

---> i wish i could get away with listening to seinfeld dvds as background noise. it's like, i know they really are just like music to me, but if anyone saw the actual scenes pop up on my computer, i'd be so screwed and they would think i was actually watching an episode, when in all reality, i'm more than likely thinking clearer and doing a better job solely because i have its sweet melodies of funny in my ears. i have a problem.

---> i wish i could buy something(s) offline every single day. oh wait. i almost kind of do and i NEED TO STOP.

 

when you wish upon a blog...

eh.

have a great day,

emma

 

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