a picture's worth 1000 words: stock photo captions
this week was big and exciting. my first freelance piece for the nationally acclaimed and AWESOME website, The Frisky, was posted yesterday and marks a huge accomplishment for me. pretty much a dream come true. the article is here: "You Just Really Hurt My Feelings." i hope you get a chance to read and enjoy. moving on...
sometimes (all the time) you need a good laugh. i 150% stand by the ideal that laughter is the best medicine. but true laughter - honest laughter. laughter that makes you pee your pants, snort through your nose or completely disable your throat from making any sort of sound at all (that's my favorite kind).
on that note, stock photos are fucking ridiculous. i don't deal with them on a daily basis like some people have to for their jobs (or because they're weird and like to look at stock photos for fun?), but that doesn't mean i'm not fully aware of the total absurdity they are capable of representing. one day last week, one of my funniest and tiniest friends started emailing me buckets of stock photos so we could laugh at them together. then it hit me - i MUST create captions for these. it was an involuntary reaction.
so, without further rambling, i present to you... some of the weirdest stock photos i've ever seen (also, i apologize for quality and size of the pictures).
"ugh, mom. i'm so happy you were okay with me moving back in with you guys even though i'm 36 and have serious psychological issues."
"oh honey, don't say that. that's what families are for. to be there for you when you're down and out, eat apples together and flip through the TV."
"ha! you're right. so you do this every day then? just, uh, sit here with an apple so close to your face and channel surf? is this your idea of afternoon delight?"
"shut your whore mouth and don't be sassy with me. you know what they say - an apple a day with your mom on the couch when you're 36 keeps the dentist bills away that you can't afford to pay right now. ungrateful bitch."
"fuck him! he thinks he can just up and leave when i'm pregnant with his baby?! i'll show that bastard. imma eat this whole sammich and then some. i'll be so fat, he'll HAVE to come back to me. right? i'm so alone and about to push out a fatass baby."
"OMG, veronica. you were totally right about shopping therapy. even though jeremy broke up with me, i feel totes better!"
"i don't know why you ever doubt me. don't you know that because i still wear chokers i'm not only fabulous but ALWAYS right?"
"i know. i'm so sorry for ever thinking otherwise. i feel like the plastics from mean girls or something. HEHE! we're so pretty and popular."
"i know. what a shame that we're all still virgins and we look 16 but are really about to be 35. i don't know why people don't dress and act more like us. my belt SCREAMS 'skank!'"
"it does! ugh y'all these charlotte russe and plato's closet bags are getting heavy. we really cleaned up today. let's reward ourselves with a night out at chili's!"
"how am i gonna tell martha i lost my job and we have 2 move onto this keyboard? i knew the retail market was bad, but a keyboard? really? what if it rains? i lost my job and my home, now i'm gonna lose my wife 2. ugh idk what 2 do. :( :( :( :( FML"
"i'm a VEGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love my carrots! i love my apples! i love my lettuce! i. love. my. TOMATOES! i love wine (VEGAN wine). i love grains! I LOVE MY SHOPPING CART!!!!"
"come here, daniel. COME HERE RIGHT NOW. you WILL listen to the sounds of your new sibling. here that? it's the sound of you losing all my attention. it's the sound of you having to figure life out on your own while i dote on my new baby. it's the sound of my vagina because you're so dangerously close to my privates right now. now go to your room and think about what you've done. AND SOMEBODY GET ME A CHEESE SANDWICH! WITH GRAVY ON TOP!"
"he left me. at the alter. i was HALF a virgin when i met him. i've never felt more alone in my life except for that time my groom left me at the FUCKING ALTER! ::takes swig of wine bottle:: it's just ya know... you go through life waiting to find the one and then, he, he fucking leaves you high and dry? why doesn't he want me for life? WHY?! ::hiccup:: is it because of my herpes? my bipolar tendencies? maybe it's that i didn't want kids and made gagging noises any time a child was around. no, those can't be it. it's my hair! I KNOW IT. it's my fucking piss blonde hair. ::vomits::"
boy: "now THIS is what i call a foursome with my best girlfriends!!! this sandwich is so good. i have to confess... i'm full of sandwich and FABULOUSNESS! that's right. I LIKE PENIS!!!"
"it's like... i KNOW this is creepy as shit, but i can't stop."
"this is why i never date younger chicks. always using me for my money and then flirting it up with other ladies at the bar in the front of my face. she thinks she's porta de rossi or whatever her name is. well guess what, bitch?! I MIGHT BE ELLEN, BUT YOU ARE NO PORTIA. it's so fun staring creepily at her, though. i guess i won't leave just yet..."
"i swear to God. if you fart one more time, i will rip your bumhole out of your body."
"hmmm? i was sleeping. what'd you say?"
"WHAT? i didn't even know i was!"
"well you are you WENCH. and GET OFF MY LAP!"
"mr. samuel l. told me to just wear his hat and hold the camera like this. i pulled my shirt up on my own accord. thought it gave this whole experience a bit more 'UMPH.'"
take a picture, the funny will last longer.