check my rhyme, i'm emma... dime.

in listening to tribe for the better part of the weekend, i began to wonder if i could ever spit some rhymes. sure, i've gotten drunk and free-flowed like every other girl out there (no? you guys don't do that? oh. well. i do), but could i soberly rap some legitimate lyrics - you know, since i'm from the streets and all and have lived a tough ass life (HEY. I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF WHEN I WAS 8 AND WAS RIDICULED TO THE POINT OF TRAUMATIZATION. DON'T TELL ME MY LIFE HAS BEEN ALL SUNSHINE AND BURRITOS).

you see...

i started this blog about last year

my life was kinda hazy and i needed to clear

my head a bit, so i sat down to write

at first my Jewish body was full of fright.

i didn't want to be judged or laughed at or worse

talked shit about or

aw fuck it. i lost it. okay, let me try again. give me another shot. let's go again. turn it up. yeah yeah yeah...

my name is emma and i'm a Jew

people who think i'm latin, get a fuckin' clue.

just because i'm dark and dance like a gypsy

don't mean i'll scream "AYE!" when you get me tipsy.


shit. i'm sorry. okay. round three. i can do this, i know i can. just be patient with me. i'm new. do it do it do it do it...

OH SNAP! who that be? it's the e to the m to the mother fuckin' G-O-L-double D(boobs)!

i like to rap, i like to write, i like to booze

take me to hogwarts, with ronald weasley i wanna snooze.

and by snooze, you know this hoe means wanna BANG

he be sweatin' and i be all like "this ain't no thang."

that got weird real fast. okay, i'm gonna step away from the hard stuff and be honest with you guys right now.

my name is emma and when i get stressed,

my skin turns into a fucked up weird mess.

here's my heart, you see it there on my sleeve?

it's bleeding seinfeld, for him any man i would leave.

i like wine and carrots and being in laughing sitches,

but i hate mornings, olives and slutty bitches.

i have opinions, i don't try hard to keep them quiet,

okay really? what the hell rhymes with "quiet."

i live alone, i wouldn't want it any different,

i just did it again because wtf rhymes with "different."

every morning, i make my bed and drink my coffee,

i once broke my braces with a really chewy piece of toffee.

my bullshit threshold is slim to none and i don't mind it,

i go through phases of really trying to stay fit.

i'm like the rest of you, not knowing where my life will go,

but being unsure is just a part of the show.

the show being life, the show being our mid-20s,

somedays i wanna hide away with 7 mocha ventis (frappes).

but i don't! because above the doubt we must rise,

to look back and count the tears, the vomits, the infinite sighs.

i'm getting deep, except for that i just used "vomits,"

okay, that's enough. i can't rhyme anything with "vomits" besides "vomits" or comets, so let's call it good. i gave it a fair shot, i hope you enjoyed it and above all else...


- emma