things that upset me

oh hello. and welcome back to here's the thing: word vomit from emma. don't choke on your laughter. or do. (i've never written out my blog's full title like that - felt kinda fun).

i want to start this post off with an apology; i'm sorry i've been lacking lately in my writing lustre. you may not have noticed, but i did and i wanted to say i feel badly for that. my mind has sort of been elsewhere for some weeks now, and i personally feel like my usual rambling on here has suffered in result of that. but, i am happy to say i feel "back." so here goes nothing...

as an opinionated, young female, there are A LOT of things that upset me and get me unhinged (one of my favorite words). in traveling this past weekend to see my lovely sister in Chicago, i started noticing many small things happening around me that irked me, which then snowballed into me compiling a list of things that seriously make me really not okay. some of these observations are completely irrational (as to be expected) while others i think you might agree with me about.

like, for example

while sitting at my departure gate on thursday night, i watched an 80 pound girl (woman) (er, lady) eat a MASSIVE subway sandwich in full. don't get me wrong - it wasn't actually finishing an entire sandwich that bothered me. it was the WAY she finished it, which was in three bites. look, i've never claimed to be a dainty eater. actually, i've claimed to eat like a guy and am proud of it. but this stick figure had me beat. i might take hearty bites, but i don't finish a fucking packed-to-the-brim sandwich in three full bites. we had time before boarding, too; it's not like we were being rushed onto the plane and she was trying to frantically finishing her dinner. her slow, huge bites and manly eating style begs the question: HOW? how are you 80 pounds? where does it go? down the airplane toilet? into the barf bag? into the hotel toilet? or are you just a bitch with the fastest metabolism in the world? bitch.

moving on

the awkward good-bye. let's be real - every good-bye is awkward. no one ENJOYS saying bye to someone unless it's like "bye, coworkers! see ya in the morning!" or "bye, green and black olives on my pizza! you're gross and i hate you!" or "bye, jail! thanks for the memories i'll suppress for years and/or take out on more helpless victims!"

but the WORST kind of good-bye is the run-in good-bye. you're at the mall or somewhere public and see someone you have absolutely nothing to say to or, worse yet, have some sort of underlying tension with (makes me shudder just typing it). you make uncomfortable chatter for a few minutes, say good-bye, but you both remain in the same vicinity. "i came here to shop, so i'm not fucking leaving," you stupidly and stubbornly think to yourself. you breeze past the table of shorts - so does the person you just said good-bye to. you try on clothes in the dressing room, coming out to check yourself out in the 3-way mirror every so often - so does the person you just said good-bye to. you get up from the table to use the restroom - the person you just said good-bye to is exiting the one stall bathroom as you're waiting in line, forcing more awkward small-talk. take a tip from me: be the bigger person, save yourself more awkwardness, and get the hell out of there after you say good-bye. whatever you're doing can wait until the coast is clear. unless you're like in the ER, which in that case, you should probably stay.

what about things i can't control at all?

oh you mean like coughing and sneezing? I HATE YOU FOR THEM BOTH. i don't understand coughing; i just don't get it. like - who coughs??? i don't. even when i get sick, i never "have a cough." people who aren't sick but cough incessantly or are constantly clearing their throats - I CAN'T. stop smoking. or, if you don't smoke, start smoking and slowly off yourself. or, if you just cough because you have a cough - GET IT FIGURED OUT. aren't there solutions for that? do you REALLY want to be known as the person at work who just yacks all day long in their cube while people throw you disgusted looks you can't see? UGH. this REALLY grinds my gears. and don't even get me started on sneezing attacks; people who sneeze 5,6,7,8, 15 times in a row make me so upset. by the 5th sneeze i want to say "STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP" following every sneeze afterwards. whew. this section just got me really heated. i'm sweating.

oh and what about this

being asked at any food or drink establishment if i want my receipt. i mean, really??!?? "yes, gas station employee. i would like my receipt for this pack of gum, because i swear to God if it's not up to par with my other packs of gum, IT'S COMING BACK." like why do that? why take a receipt from someone for such ridiculous things such as food, alcoholic beverages you purchase at a bar or even like i don't know - magazines you buy at walgreens? yeah, i'm gonna eat this food, drink this drink and read the shit out of jennifer aniston's newest baby woes then RETURN IT ALL. and, with online banking and this general idea called "technology," who is actually keeping track of their paper receipts anymore? lemme guess - you balance your checkbook too, don't you? tsktsk. half the places i go nowadays are asking me if i want a paper receipt or an emailed one. NO BRAINER (except for people who are STILL technology inept) (i know a few).

i talk to myself... a lot

i'm starting to do it in public and it's REALLY upsetting me. i don't know how to control it. living alone has resulted in me being my own best roommate, and i am constantly muttering things while moseying around my apartment. it was fine until i recently realized i'm doing it in public. nothing big, just small exclamations under my breath like "no way! that's so cool." or "WHAT? that's insane." or "i dare myself to get OJ with pulp. dare accepted, self." just kidding about that last one (i didn't say it out loud, but i DID think it. and i got tropicana with "some" pulp. baby steps). i fear i'm starting to look like all those crazy fuckers i see walking down the street with their mouths clearly moving in conversation with themselves. if you ever see me doing that, please stop me. i beg of you. 90% of the thoughts that go through my head should never be spoken aloud. ever.

flip flops on guys


and the finale...

the let-down text message or email. be it to a friend or love interest or even potential employer (hopefully that last one is an email and not a text, otherwise i can assure you, you won't be getting the job), the let-down text message is THE WORST and can be enraging. you send your friend or crush a lengthy prose about something hilarious or a collection of random and genius thoughts and you get "haha," "okay," "ha!" "i can't write back right now. will later," "k," "sure," or any other completely horrible response you can think of. if you're really going to send me something back like that after i took the time to put effort into what i sent you, might as well just write me "fuck you" because that's what i see on the screen anyway. here's the deal: there needs to be texting and emailing etiquette. haven't you ever heard of trying to mirror the way people conduct their writing so you're both on the same level? i mean for God's sake. have you ANY idea that i was practically vomiting on the keyboard writing you that "Request Off" email and all you responded was "Okie Dokie" or "Sounds good"? don't you understand that i had to run that joke by 5 of my friends before getting the green light to text it to you in hopes that you'd read it, laugh and instantly fall in love with me? COME ON, PEOPLE. we're all trying to make connections and COMMUNICATE here. communication. that's the key.

my rant is over for today. a girl can only vent so much until she needs a burrito, a hug and a bath (in that order).

happy mid-august!

- emma