SCANDAL! SEX! PARTIAL NUDITY SOMETIMES!

i LOVE the fuck out of US weekly and People. LOVE. do you hear me? LOVE! i'm not ashamed to admit it. what's not to like about a thin, unthreatening magazine that gives me up-to-the-minute deets on all the hollywood whackadoos out there? i must admit, i favor US over People because it has more pictures and doesn't get all "the boy with no legs who set out to find his mother's father's sister's killer who ended up being hidden under his step brother's bed the entire time" on me like People so often does. while traveling to Chicago a few weekends ago, i actually audibly exclaimed at the airport newsstand when i saw that new editions of US and People had surfaced for my flight back home on Sunday. give me a gossip mag, a set of headphones and maybe a ginger ale or cup of wine and i am set to fly. it was on this particular flight that i realized, "this is good blog material. really good." so, i kept hold of the magazines like treasures and wanted to share with you all my favorite snippets of delight that i came across while reading (looking at) one of the more recent editions of US.

let's start with the cover, shall we please?

wait. wait. JEN ANISTON IS DATING SOMEONE?! NO. WHAT? I'M IN SHOCK. IS IT GONNA LAST? IS SHE SO IN LOVE? IS SHE TALKING ABOUT HAVING BABIES WITH HIM?!?? SHE IS!!!!??? shut up, jen. just shut up. no one cares. i don't care. that's great if this really is "it" for you, but do you know how much shit we've had to listen to and read from you and about you for the past however many years? i don't like your face or your weird mouth lines and you can bet your impossibly-toned 42-year-old ass that you're gonna suffer some major postpartum. just sayin'.

hey, OMG, guess what? both of you look like fucking morons, so let's just call it even and go get some coconut-flavored pinkberry together. what's that, lady gaga? oh you only eat children's nail clippings and watermelon flavored air? well then i'll just go with uh...teresa palmer. whoever the FUCK that is.

what?

WHAT did you just say to me? he spent his money on WHAT?

i almost can't, but i'm going to. family guy? really? i mean, yeah, i'll still put it on the tele or watch old episodes on my ipod when in flight or on the treadmill, but REALLY? A STEWIE PENDANT? could j.bieber BE any more awful of a human being? the answer is yes. yes he can...

if i've told you once, i've told you A THOUSAND times. you CAN'T date your fraternal twin sister. you just can't. wait, what? oh, they're not sisters? HE'S A BOY? no. get the fuck out of here, man. you're crazy. HA. i mean, okay maybe they aren't sisters, but the girl is DEFINITELY not a boy. PROVE it. no, don't. please. i can't.

who asked? not me. i don't WANT to know anything about you, sir. who are you, anyway? not kelly clarkson. probably just another rubben studdard. now get like, ryan gosling to answer this questionnaire and i'd read that. his number 1 would be "i have a secret lover who goes by the name of emma." he says he doesn't want to expose our love and belittle it - he's such a great guy.

and then there were two... of the same person... 21 years after the fact. nothing compares to letting yourself go quite like sinead here. poor sinead. poor, more sinead.

NOOO! viagra? for your weiner? come on, big boi! live up to your name, what you rap about and the overall persona you front. you act all like girls shaking their tangerines is enough for you, but OBVIOUSLY you need medical help, too. what a shame. daddy fat sax? more like daddy fat sax with viagra in it (what?)

WHO. CARES???????????

oh no, martin. not you, too? playing diva? ugh, such a let down. flying some kid out to LA to deliver the right PEN to you, then not even letting him stay for the weekend and have a nice time around the city, but sending him RIGHT back? i thought you were better than this. i'm ashamed. but will obviously continue to see all your movies. consider yourself lucky.

i don't know any of you, but i want to make love to each of you. can this happen? let me know. i'll be waiting.

dolly, it was me. I was that baby. i'm 24 now, living in dallas. my mama told me that one day you'd finally speak our story to the world and you have. you really have. every night since mama told me she left me on your doorstep, i've dreamt about how different my life would've been if you had taken me in that night; i know it would've involved way more fake boobies and maybe even a singing voice like yours. i will find you one day, dolly. for my mama. i'll do it for my mama.

i swear - celebrity world is just a never-ending cesspool of entertainment. er DUH.

- emma

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