one day (not the book or movie, just in general)
i didn't mean for the title of this entry to be a trick-title. you'll see in a second that this post is solely about things i would like to ONE DAY. it's not about the actual book/movie (although, i just finished the book and am not sure i am going to be able to drag myself to the theatre to see it. i just. i can't. i cried in bed. i cried at the pool. i cried on my couch. i cried in the shower. if you have read it and need an ear, email me. i promise we can get through this together). there are things that i wish i could do, and i'm not talking about traveling the world or fly (although both of those would be great, obviously). i'm talking about daily situations i find myself in that i wish i either a) had the balls to call out or b) just didn't care about societal rules and did whatever the fuck i wanted all the time (basically the same thing has having balls). one of the absolute biggest dreams of mine is to, for once...
say "no" when the screen asks "is this amount OK?"
i mean, it's just trying to make sure the cashier is not completely distracted and rung the right shit up without charging you for a 12lb turkey when you're only buying a box of cookies. but what would happen if you said "as a matter of fact, NO. this ISN'T okay with me. i came in here to buy necessary items and am leaving with 2 pints of ice cream i know damn well i don't need, a fun-sounding juice drink that will most likely taste like rodent's vomit and this JUMBO box of tampons that i got because it's JUMBO and aunt flow isn't due for another month. oh and this mascara because i HEARD it's really good, but i'm sure it'll suck and that's just money down the drain." that tiny screen with that stupid question gives you the opportunity to stop yourself in your tracks and really ask, IS this ok? another way to look at this is, "no. i really don't think it's OK that some lettuce, a loaf of bread and milk costs what the screen says it does. i disagree and i refuse to pay that amount. let's negotiate, cashier." i just don't understand. why ask the fucking question? it's gonna have to be okay no matter what, so deal with it. unless you're willing to put some things back, but that means you're going to be that girl/guy holding up the entire line and being looked at as the asshole who ACTUALLY said "no."
call someone out during a bathroom stand-off
for years now, i've proclaimed myself as the world's most tenacious and outstanding bathroom-standoff competitor. i don't back down. if i'm in there before you, you better believe i've already claimed the entire restroom for myself and i'm not going to buckle FOR ANYONE. guys reading this may be confused; you see, women are shy when it comes to, ahem, GOING to the bathroom (see how i capitalized "going" to infer what it means?) most women don't just waltz into a bathroom and drop bombs with absolutely no qualms or sense of subtlity. you know a lady has poop happening if: you hear the toilet flushing almost as soon as she sits down in the stall, hear sporadic sniffing, same goes for fake coughing and clearing the throat. in these situations where someone walks in and interrupts my time by entering a stall and waiting for me to leave, i get PISSED. a lot of times i will audibly sigh or try to roll my eyes loud enough for them to hear. just once, i'd like to wait a few minutes then say into the silence, "listen, bitch. i was here first. you know that and i know that. i've put in my time of waiting and you're not gonna win this one, so either let go of your inhibitions or get the fuck out of here. i'll peek at your shoes so i know who you are and come find you to let you know it's freed up. just get out for now, okay?"
on the subject of bathrooms...
i would LOOOOOOOOOOOVE to stage a really awful situation in a bathroom. like go into a stall and make the most ungodly noises. why? you ask. because i'm twisted that way. the girliest thing about me is that i dislike most sports. the manliest thing about me is that i love chipotle and bathroom humor. how much fun would it be to stage a horrible stomach attack in the handicap stall at the end (not because it's handicap but because it's large enough to really act some good stuff out in)? or make fake vomit noises? or just whimper loudly in general and say things like "oh my god. OH MY GOD. what IS that?"
park in a handicap spot
we all know what happened to the gang when they tried this move (or maybe we DON’T all know, but should). i just wanna do it. just once. what’s the big deal??? they’re rarely taken and just SO EASY. they’re right there! i can’t count the times i’ve ALMOST done it – almost pulled into that sweet spot to run into walgreens for 2 seconds but noooooooooo… my stupid societal conscience stops me. yeah, i’m aware that as a 24-year-old, i should shut up and actually walk a bit because i can, but i’m also lazy. and in a hurry. and in a bad mood because things didn’t go my way today and the world just seems to be crashing down upon me on a daily basis so i deserve a convenient parking spot if only for 5 minutes. sheesh.
hey, fergie. you ARE junk and i can see your nipple. alas, i feel for your sweat pains. let me explain something to you. the heat we’ve endured this summer makes my sweat sweat. i just don’t see the big deal in being nude by a pool. SOWHATWHOCARES?! we all (hopefully) have seen it all before and yes, some people look much less scary than others, but they’re just boobs. and stuff. i guess the only reason it’d be super gross is the whole pool aspect – like actually jumping in and swimming around… ew. but even still! i guess i don’t MIND have a permanent white bikini on my skin all year round, but it’d be nice not to, ya know? i’ve experimented with maybe getting out to my pool early enough before anyone would even be out there, but that’s where i encountered a pedophile with knives for teeth who asked me if i wanted to go to brunch (true story).
pester pedestrians with my car
i know, so fucked up, right? but sometimes it’s just so tempting. like what would happen if i just slightly tapped a human? sometimes assholes walk so slow, they kinda deserved to be tapped just to say “hey. asshole. pick up your leg i just knocked off your body and the pace.”
have a penis for a day
if chaz bono can do it... no just kidding. that's mean. but seriously - this should've been the very first thing i listed. save the best for last, though. i know guys say if they had boobs they'd "play" with them all day, which is the stupidest shit i've ever heard because everyone knows you don't play with your boobs more than shimmeying to shimmey. but a PENIS - well, that's a whole other story. i am 100% sure that if i were a guy, i would LITERALLY have a boner every 5 minutes. so thank goodness i'm not, but what i wouldn't give to experience what it's like to have a weiner for a day! i have a long list of activities i would HAVE to try while in possession of it, some obvious some not so obvious, but boy oh boy - it would be such a great day.
there you have it, folks. i'm a twisted girl, ain't i?