a gift from me to all of you

i'm an observer - that's just what i do. i make observations. i take notes. sometimes i judge. and usually i criticize. whadda want me to say? i'm JEWISH. on that note, i like to play a game with myself in my head that i have titled the "to the" game. it's sort of like that scene in zoolander with "earth to matilda." it's a ridiculous way to start a sassy comment, but sometimes that extra bit of obvious sarcasm can really start you off with a bang! (forgive me if you can't understand what i'm saying. i'm really tired this week. it'll all make sense here in a second...)...

so let's play the "to the" game, shall we?! join me. from your desk. or bed. or couch. or office bathroom. or wherever it is that you indulge in my writings.

 

to the...

bitches who work out with their hair DOWN - how dare you?!?? who do you think you're fooling? i know your underbelly of hair is soaking wet and probably smells like grease and oils. do you think it makes your workout fancy or makes your attempt at exercise super sexy? it doesn't. it makes it look like you have serious insecurities and appearance complexes. guess who's getting hit on in the gym? the sweaty red-faced bitch with good legs and a panting noise to boot. not you.

to the...

cashier at walgreens who tells EVERY SINGLE FEMALE that they "look nice tonight." no, sir. i thought i was special. i thought you appreciated me even when i was at my worst, but i realized you're just using your "line" on me and it hurts. yeah, i know that one time you were trying to make it more personal by asking how my run went since i was in workout gear. but first of all, if you took the time to get to know me, you would know a) i don't run, i power walk and b) it went great, thanks for asking. asshole.

to the...

people who i smile at and they don't smile back. OH I'M SORRY - I GUESS IT'S REALLY HARD TO USE YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH MUSCLES ON A STRANGER, ISN'T IT? there's enough darkness and douche in this world without YOU adding to it, jerkoff. and i'll have you know i don't just smile at everyone. i just felt like smiling toward you and you didn't even return the favor. you're the reason the world is going to shit. how do you sleep at night?

to the...

people who created the VOLUPSA candle line... thank you. you're truly incredible people who deserve lives full of sex, love, really good food, great alcoholic beverages and a lot of puppies. you've earned it.

to the...

creep at the pool with the knives for teeth and chili-bowl cut who asked me if i'd like to have brunch with him since his buddy had just canceled on him and he heard that "hacienda has a really awesome new bloody mary bar." you're fucking insane, right? okay good. just wanted to make sure I  wasn't going crazy.

to the...

the girls who post pictures of just themselves on facebook - don't you get we can all see through you? i mean, i know douche guys with big arms and small weiners see it and "like" it and say creepy shit like "oh shit, girl. damn." or "omg." but the rest of us know what you're doing by posting that picture of you in your "about to head out for the night" outfit. you're screaming "PLEASE. PLEASE EVERYONE. PLEASE TELL ME I'M OKAY. IS THIS OKAY? ARE YOU SURE WITH THESE JEANS? I CAN CHANGE. NO? OKAY. UGH LIKE ME! LIKE ME!" you're like the fucking virtual tinkerbells who need clapping and encouragement to not die. well i ain't fucking clapping, so i guess i'm a murderer.

to the...

fact that i LITERALLY spill something on myself every single time i eat a meal... get it together, emma.

to the...

puppy i'll have one day - i love you so much and i apologize in advance for accidentally killing you by smothering you to death in my bed.

to the...

MAC employees in the free-standing store in northpark mall. look. i wouldn't dig you through your drawers of makeup if ONE OF YOU WOULD HELP ME. i know i look like i'm 18 and sauntering in to just play with colors, but i have an agenda and i know what i want and need to be on my way. so, while you're busy ignoring me and doing up women's faces in ridiculous color palettes, i'm gonna go ahead and take charge by digging into the drawers to find my motherfucking lipstick color. not my fault if you get pissed and say "BE WITH YOU IN A SECOND, MAM." that's right - i walked out, too. eff that es.

to the...

celebrities who claim "drinking water" is their health secret... guess what mine is? hating you. i lose 100 calories alone in one sitting of hating the dribble that spews out of your mouth (and i also buy big water bottles so i can walk around and pretend i'm one of you)

to the...

beatles. thanks.

to the...

inventors of the blackberry. you guys got is so wrong. so, so wrong. thanks for absolutely nothing except the short-lived excitement over BBM until i realized all of my friends have an iphone and i'm just another loser with a blackberry. so disappointing.

 

emma OUT.

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