sex! scandal! partial nudity sometimes - volume 2

first off, my apologies for leaving you high and dry yesterday. i try to make tuesdays and thursdays my must-post days, but after a long weekend full of alcohol and bad food, i realized i was still partially in a coma last night and it just wasn't going to happen. i really enjoyed (and i'm pretty sure you guys did, too) making commentary the other week on US weekly. i mean, a part of me feels bad for it; it's like i KNOW these people can't help it. they chose to have this lifestyle and be followed my paparazzi so they just have to deal with it and look as good as they can all the time. but if you provide me with a weekly magazine full of pictures of them, how can you expect me NOT to have opinions?

for instance, here's this week's cover:

allow me:

      -- kim's EXCLUSIVE and TOTALLY PRIVATE and SUPER PERSONAL and WHEN AM I GETTING THE CHECK FOR ALL THESE PICTURES? honeymoon! come! join kim and kris (khris?) as they casually frolick through sandy beaches. watch kim limp to her left size because her GD ring might almost be heavier than if you were to weigh her ass separately from her body. and since it's EXCLUSIVE, you won't see this shit anywhere else!

    -- jessica&justin: how she forgave him. turn to the page and you will see an arrow pointing at her that says SPINELESS and an arrow pointing at him that says JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. you can do the math.

    -- why sarah michelle gellar prinze jr. came back to TV: she's super poor. even child stars can't make food stamps glamorous, and for that, i respect sarah michelle gellar prinze freddie jr. for not being too proud to take an acting job out of sheer desperation.

the dress pictured is made by a fashion label called: quit staring! okay then. well. first of all, you both look like classy hookers... wait. you are. and secondly, it's like the same body in the same dress except with different colored skin and hair. if MY clothes had labels like yours, they'd say: "my attempt at sexy!" "there are breasts under this flannel!" "my thong's wedged in my ass!" and "quit staring! no don't."

katie leclerc, i don't know who you are, but i feel really fucking bad for you.

i don't know what it is about you, lady g, but you somehow ALWAYS squeeze a little more hatred out of me. i just. it's the way you are. the way you talk. the way you pretend to be in a drugged out state constantly. "i'm married to my loneliness." you should get married to your therapist. or to no one. i want to take your latest hair do and make you eat it (after you sing me an a capella version of "you and i").

(quote continued) "...and then you have this CRAZY urge to just touch a lot of men and weiners and stuff. and go to clubs with rainbows in them and show your RIPPED and TIGHT body off to guys. and whatever girls are there. especially if the girls are actually guys. MAN i feel like busting into a jtimberlake ballad right now. he's my boy! no, really. HE'S MINE. BACK OFF OR I'LL SHIMMY MY RIPPED CHEST AT YOU!"

the only truly relatable piece of material in this issue. well, not really because i don't have a baby. BUT, i know my mom cussed like this when i WAS a baby and has continued to do so well into my adult life so i can blame only her for my horrible sailor's mouth. i'm cool with it, though. i'm gonna fucking cuss up a gd storm around my babies! FUCK!

i just think it's so nice to see true sister-bonding in hollywood. when both siblings are famous, i'd imagine it'd be super hard to be genuine even with each other and really have the other's best interests at heart, but these two seem to really get along well. i praise their mom.

.... what? they're not siblings? he's not a girl??? what do you mean we've been over this before???!! that girl IS NOT  a guy!!! ugh stop fucking with my brain, hollywood!!! just stop!! (sobbing) baby baby baby ohhh...

life sure has gone downhill for you since your split with zac, huh? chopped yer hair off. getting pulled over for being a cross-eyed lesbian. it ain't easy out there, kid. shoulda stuck with your girlfriend. i mean boyfriend. i can't tell the difference between sexes anymore, you guys. i really can't.

blueeeeeeeeeee oo ooo ooooo..... your old body is so lonesome for you. why don't CHU eat something??? like now. what? what is this??? her breasts? DON'T tell me those are okay because they're not and you know it just as much as i do. and her toes? they're like 3 inches long each. and. i just can't. i can't. what the FUCK happened to you, country gal?

yeahhh... shove this apple into your mouth, baby. make it look all seductive and shit. because everyone knows nothing turns america's reading audience on more than watching me shove this shit into your mouth. KRIS, SERIOUSLY. GET THIS WHOLE THING IN YOUR MOUTH. STOP SCREWING AROUND. MAKE IT LOOK SEXY. reality is hard.

thus concludes volume 2.

peace and love,

emma

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