sleeping beauties, all of us

sleep is so weird. you basically die for 6-8 hours (AT LEAST 6 otherwise you're just being unhealthy to yourself). or, if you're a terrible sleeper, you lay in a really comfy place for 6-8 hours, scratching your crotch and cursing yourself for being so bad at sleeping (been there, done that). various emotions toward sleep exist and i feel that the normal person experiences a touch of each of these emotions throughout their growing up. what i mean is, when you're young, like REALLY young, sleep is all you do unless you're shitting yourself, gurgling or sobbing about the air feeling wrong but not having the words to express it. then, when you're around 7 or 8, you create this idea in your head that what happens while you're supposed to be asleep is the coolest shit in the world that you're missing out on so you refuse it. you fight sleep and BEG your parents/babysitter to let you stay up past your bed time. then, in your preteen-teen stages, all you want to do is sleep. you can't get enough and your mom waking you up on weekends to be "productive" makes you want to yell alanis morissette lyrics in her face while sobbing and wiping your tears away with tampons.

college obviously is a whole mess of all of the above. you love sleep, but hate it at the same time. you stay up until 5am and sleep until 2pm but no matter because you have a FULL day ahead of more drinking and then even more sleep to be had after that and you're TOTALLY fine with this way of life. what do you mean it's "not normal"? YOU'RE not normal - GO COLLEGE!

then, with "adulthood," you at first find yourself trying to stay up as late as you once did and realizing that 11p is fucking late as hell and only huge douchebags who are just ASKING to fail stay up that late. you find yourself hunkering down around 930 or 10 and are totally fine with it. we've gotten so lame, you guys.

but, besides all of that general shit, the nuances of sleep and the random sleep-related things we all have in common interest me. let's discuss, shall we?

first and foremost... COLD SPOTS


tell me it isn't one of the most depressing and desperate feelings in the world when you realize you've run out of cold spots in the bed. when my feet shimmy around my bed and come up with nothing but lukewarm everything, i almost want to give up on sleep all together. especially on those nights where no temperature seems to be cold enough in your place and you're banking on some seriously awesome cold spots to make up for the uncomfortable body temperature you're experiencing. and we save cold spots - or at least i do. if i know i have around 2 or so left to find solstice with, i will save them until i literally can't take it and need a new one. when you share a bed with someone, it's even worse (unless they don't understand the "cold spots" theory - if that's the case, you probably need to dump them). your cold spot supply is automatically sliced in half as is your area of bed, so you have to be incredibly tricky. it sort of reminds me of that pool game we used to play as kids with swimming underneath someone's legs without so much as SKIMMING the surface of their skin; it's the same idea with limited bed space and cold spots. calculated movements, guys. calculated fucking movements.



 i consider people who drool while sleeping lucky. usually it's a fat guy on TV or a cartoon character, so when it happens in real life, consider yourself special. i don't drool often, but when i do, i KNOW i'm in THE deepest sleep i will ever achieve. you have to be REALLY effing tired to actually have dribble and spit come out of your wide-open mouth, so there's something incredibly satisfying about having that happen to you because you know you're doing good for yourself by sleeping. i'll admit it - a couple of times i've woken up fully aware that i have been drooling and i'll smirk and go right back to bed. i wear that shit like a badge of honor. and if you don't, i would reconsider doing so next time you so happen to be graced by the drool gods. think about it.

snoring vs. sleep talking


snoring = annoying. sleep talking = terrifying and funny all at once. let's tackle snoring first.



it's not that hard. everyone knows snorers tend to be louder and awful when they lay flat on their stupid backs. if you just get on your side, your problems will be solved and you won't be broken up with or told to go home. of course, some people don't snore all the time - just on special occasions. and that's okay. but for the snorers who sound like they're gonna murder someone in their sleep or who make you seriously concerned that maybe they're dying right beside you? those guys need to be punched, kicked and yelled at. sometimes, stopping a snorer can be entertaining. but if it's a nightly thing, it makes you kinda homicidal and we don't want none of that.

as for sleep talking, it has scared me to no end but also made me laugh hysterically - it really depends on the situation. for example, when i hear someone talking in LEGIT jibberish, i want to ram a knife through their chest or perform an exorcism on them because obviously they're possessed. jibberish sleep talking is the creepiest of creepy. ya know why? because THAT'S what our brains ACTUALLY sound like, y'all. if we didn't know words and how to form sentences, it would sound like that jibberish. and that is seriously terrifying. FUNNY sleep talking is great - like the time my sister and i somehow connected brains in our sleep while sharing a bed on vacation and created an entire military plan of how to invade a country. or the time i got up in the middle of the night, walked to the end of my bed, stared at my bed and got back in it. no wait - that time was creepy.



i can't and i won't. i have found you're either a napper through and through or you absolutely despise them and i am the latter. naps confuse me. i wake up disoriented and very upset. usually i cry. i can never seem to grasp the reality of the day again if i take a nap. it's like i KNOW the clock says 4pm, but is it sure? what day is it? what did i do today before my nap? what did i do yesterday? is this REALLY my home? i mean, it fucks me up. on the other hand, i know people who swear by naps (i.e., my sister). these people function on the fact that they KNOW they're gonna be napping sometime soon. they need it. i don't. i'd rather be dog tired when it comes time to lay down for bed than even a little well-rested. give me bags under my eyes over naps any day. naps can suck it.

nyquil sleeps


i'll admit - i've taken nyquil while not sick so i could just sleep better. that's the funny thing about nyquil, though - sure, you pass out. but your dreams are INSANE. so it's not as though you're even that better when you wake up because you're remembering the dream you had about the fireman who warped into a kangaroo and stuffed you in his pouch and hopped into a pool where you had to have a tea party with the characters from family ties then participate in a diving contest but the pool turned into sand and then you were on a beach eating cupcake after cupcake until your 2nd grade english teacher forced you into her sidecar on her motorcycle and drove you to vegas where you were forced to do a strip show for an audience of rabbits!!!!!!!!!!!! NYQUIL IS WEIRD.

 cuddling while sleeping


i think we all know this isn't possible. yeah sure - if i fall asleep on you BY ACCIDENT, okay. but once we've said our good night, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. i need my space. you stay over there. i'll be here. if you need me, just let me know. but we're not gonna be really cute and cool by falling asleep literally IN each other's arms. it's nice when it happens on the couch or briefly in the bed when you didn't mean for it to, but once i awake and notice what's happened, the illusion is spoiled and i will flip. "HOW DID WE? HOW DID I? I'M HOT. I'M SO SWEATY. WHERE'S MY OTHER HAND? GET OFF!" no, it's not romantic. but that's the reality of it. maybe our feet can touch or hands or something. but as for full-on bodies touching each other WHILE sleeping? you're living in a dream world, man (HA! GET IT? SLEEP? DREAM?)

of course, there's an infinite amount of sleep-related things i could rant on about. do you have any? these were just what struck me as the most universal, but i could be wrong.

sleep sweet (gross),