happiness is WHATEVS

as i sit here about to write, i have "happiness is a warm gun" stuck in my head. the across the universe version, too. not even the real deal version. i know - lame.

with this entry, i feel like i need to remind you all that this is my blog where i purely word vomit. a place for me to get my thoughts out and share with all of you, if you're interested. this is a tricky line of conversation, but i wanted to get serious today (which is rare) and write about happiness.

to a degree, YES - happiness is a choice. it's a way of life, something that you practice and make the conscious effort to "do" when you get up in the morning. we know ourselves better than anyone else ever in the entire world, and we know what we're capable of emotionally. some of us are more in-sync with our inner-workings than others, which is unfortunate because for those who aren't as in-tune with their bodies, emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc.... well. let's just say they don't have it easy when it comes to anything. except for maybe sitting on a couch and staring or watching reality TV without feeling anything but numbness.

happiness, to me (key words: TO ME), is fleeting. it's not something tangible and it's not something anyone i know goes around FEELING 24/7, rain or shine, pretty or unpretty, skinny or fat, hungry or not. happiness is moments. short-lived, very intense moments. allow me to give you some examples:

- the beginning of a new relationship with the butterflies and the nervousness and that first moment when you're laying in bed next to the person and realize how truly happy you are feeling

- eating a flawlessly delicious meal while drinking a glass of really delicious wine with really awesome people

- mid-orgasm, anytime

- for the OCD impaired (i am one): when your apartment is so clean, everything in its right place and your favorite candle is lit

- getting a sincere compliment from someone unexpected and you're floating on air the rest of the day

- finding the last of something you were on the hunt to buy

- your boss giving you serious praise for something you did, so you feel validated and like you're actually at this job for a reason

- being in the crowd of one your favorite bands, soaking in their music and having nothing else on your mind but that

see what i'm doing here? what i'm trying to say is... i'm not sure i believe in happiness as a general way of life. i believe in contentment and balance. being content as opposed to happy. happy is big - it's a massive goal and you could stress yourself out trying to reach it.

i aim for feeling "right." right to me equals balanced. happiness are those fleeting moments that create such a burst of HAPPY in you, you feel like you could do anything. but it fades, just like anything else does. no one walks around feeling THAT great all the time. that's why when those moments do happen, they're so special and you can recount them when you're having a low day and remember that you know what it feels like to be that elated and it'll happen again soon... probably within the next couple of days. it's like dating someone who isn't overly affectionate, so the times he/she touches you in that loving way when you're out in public or gives you that heart-melting compliment are like the best moments in the entire world because they don't do it all the time, every second of the day.



personal example of fleeting happiness: this past sunday, i woke up and decided it was going to be a really productive morning. i backed up my computer on my external drive, went to the grocery store, did all my laundry and showered all before noon and had the rest of the day to do whatever i wanted. and i was HAPPY. i was so pumped up that day that it felt like nothing could bring me down. then, on monday (probably because it was monday), i had a down day. who knows why, but i felt off. and sad. and just sort of blah. but that's what i'm saying - there's too much shit in the world (i.e. stress, work, dramatic situations) to skip around everyday singing "i feel witty! oh so witty! i feel witty and pretty and gayyyy!"



life is hard. it's messy. it's confusing. it's stress and upset and things not going your way all the time. and it's people - dealing with people who don't get it or you or anything and you want to punch them in the face. BUT! it's also interesting. and exciting. and nerve-racking in a good way. it's your choice whether you're going to let the crappy parts of it tear you down or if you're going to strive to create those fleeting moments and really soak them in when they happen, while remaining balanced the rest of the time.

that's my tirade for today. i try not to be preachy, but sometimes i want to be serious and i  DID grow up in a super religious episcopalian household, so it's sort of innate (i'm Jewish. 100%)

- emma