that's the WORST
sometimes when i hear myself talk, i laugh because of how ridiculous i sound. it's no wonder that when i'm out to dinner with friends, every table within earshot of us shoots us horrible looks and seem appalled, annoyed or downright angry at the shit they hear coming out of our mouths. i'm not saying it's crass and offensive conversations they're overhearing (well, ok. HALF of them are). it's just how LITERAL and DRAMATIC everything we say is. yeah, i know thoughtcatalog did a piece like this, and it was great and got me thinking. why does everything have to be SO extreme with our age group? "omg it's AMAZING." "it's THE BEST." "that is LITERALLY the most HORRIFYING thing i've ever heard." i mean, i'm not gonna change the way i speak - don't get me wrong. but i WILL make fun of myself for it, no doubt.
but what's funnier than all that is how everything is the worst thing ever in the world. i catch myself stating something as "the worst" at least 3 times a week, if not more. if everything is the worst, what's ACTUALLY the most worst? prime examples of things i have considered the worst in the past:
... a stomachache
OMG stomachaches are THE WORST. no. really. i mean what tops your stomach being in that gassy, seething, horrific pain? childbirth maybe? yeah, probably. but i haven't experienced that yet, so for now, stomachaches are a fucking nightmare. the kind that are so bad, you can't find a position that feels okay enough to prop yourself up in to soothe the pain. you try your left side, then your right. you get on your knees, prepped for doggie-style something. you lay flat, you lay back. NOTHING HELPS. oh my shit - it is fucking TERRIBLE. there is no worse pain. except...
...an itch that makes you jump
those itches that literally come out of nowhere and smack your skin in the mouth? i can't. it's like a seering lightening bolt of discomfort and you yelp out loud while trying to scratch at it simultaneously. oh man and do you know what's even worse than those random, out-of-nowhere itches? ITCHING ON THE SOLES OF YOUR MOTHER LOVING FEET, DUDE. if you are all geared up in socks AND close toed shoes, forget it. you're screwed. you're gonna have to be that girl/guy who takes off their entire foot's outfit to get to that itch, all the while wanting to cry because it itches so badly. and if you don't have carpet around once your sock and shoe is off, good luck. there is nothing worse than that. but maybe...
...waking up late
the amount of anxiety that is capable of overtaking a person's body happens in this moment is almost impossible to overcome. i'm not talking about consciously knowing you're hitting the snooze 11 times. i'm talking about the nights you set two alarms because it's very important that you're not late and satan decides to screw you overnight so that both alarms somehow don't go off. you never thought you could move this quickly, but anxiety has a way of pumping adrenaline through your veins. covers are flying back, water is splashing all over the counter and mirror, you get out only half of your overnight pee. your makeup's fucked up, you measure out your coffee completely wrong and somehow manage to trip on your way out to the car, resulting in you screaming "REALLY?!!!!???" at the gods. when you wake up late, it's the worst and your day has already gone to shit. but wait...
...throwing up sushi
what's that you said? "ew"? YEAH, EW. IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE. and ironically, it's only happened to me once on the VERY NIGHT i was asked "have you ever thrown up sushi before?" "NO!" i said gaily and "NOOOOOOOOO" i choked desperately 5 hours later over the toilet. seaweed, fish, rice - NO. just no. i can't. but i did and it was truly the worst. although...
it's just like... we can't REALLY complain, because we know damn well as we guzzle down our drinks what we're gonna feel like tomorrow. but, let's jump back really quick to the olden days - the college days. you were a bit more innocent. you were getting the most drunk of your life for the first time, so really, you didn't know what you do know when it comes to consumption of god's nectar. yeah, hangovers nowadays are pretty terrible because our bodies continue to shut down on us and reject everything we put into it the older we get. but back then, they were THE WORST. like can't move, can't talk, can't breathe, don't even look at me or i'm gonna vomit all over you worst.
i remember my two worst hangovers: (1) - in a 13 hour car ride back from colorado to kansas, in a small, jam-packed european car. i sat wedged in the corner the entire trip with a blanket over my head, pleading with God to let me live just one more day and i'd never do this again. oh, did i mention everyone in the car decided to stop off and get a huge pizza to-go and eat on the road? (2) - a random wednesday night, i decided to go out and drink like i was in a competition. i literally couldn't move a muscle the next day from the minute i woke up until sundown. i remember a lot of crying...
...being sick, and it's coming out from both ends
i'm not gonna delve deep into this, but if you've ever had the pleasure of experiencing this situation, you will agree... it's the absolute worst.
...not being able to sleep
not insomnia, no. i'm talking to the typically pretty good sleepers who have the ONE shitty, awful night once in a sleepless, blue moon. it's warm. you can't get comfortable. you feel so tired, but your eyes stay wide open. no position feels good. you try to go on the couch, but it's worse. you start getting anxiety about how it's getting late and you have to be up so early and how are you gonna function at work tomorrow and how is this gonna effect the rest of your week? you finally fall asleep at 5a and wake up drooling when your alarm goes off at 7a. it's not pretty. in fact, it's the worst.
...having something in your teeth/a pimple that no one tells you about
this makes society the worst. you're all the fucking worst if you don't point this shit out to people you consider friends. ever heard of karma or paying it forward? one day, you're gonna have an important presentation with a huge chunk of lettuce wedged in your teeth and NO ONE'S GONNA TELL YOU.