to the... (volume 2)

a few weeks ago i wrote a post that began every sentence with "to the..." (read it here if you have the urge to know what you're getting yourself into). it's sort of like mini thank-you notes, but not really thanking anything for anything - sort of just calling shit out and making comments about things i want to make comments about. for the record,  i curse the day jimmy fallon came up with the whole "thank you" note idea.  what a genius. or maybe it's his writers who are the geniuses, but either way. ANYHOW, the past few weeks have been wonderful inspiration for a whole new set of "to the..."s. i can't help that i have so many observations. it's just how my brain works. it doesn't turn off, it's always going and, in result, i have the weirdest dreams ever... but that's a whole other issue.

to the...

turkey burger. you're so good. you really are. i don't care what anyone says about you, you're delicious enough, you're healthy enough and gosh darnit, a lot of people like you. sometimes you make me think i could give up real beef forever when it comes to hamburgers, but then i find myself having a low moment and sitting in the wendy's drive-thru. it's not your fault. humans are just unhealthy by nature. but just know... i WANT to change for you. i want you to be my one and only when it comes to eating a burger. i'll keep working on it. wait for me.

to the...

office coffee. fuck you. you're a worthless piece of shit. how DARE you even try and pretend you're satisfying to your consumers. maybe in a small office where someone brings in delicious, good quality and flavored coffee you shine, but not here. not in big ass, corporate america. i feel like a homeless person having to eat gunky soup everyday. you're my only option sometimes, so it has to do, but it doesn't. it never does. look at yourself in the mirror. yeah. you don't like what you see, do you? THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

to the...

"back to nature" imitation triscuit crackers. really? i put you up next to my box of triscuits and THEY'RE HEALTHIER. you can't slap "nature" in the title of your brand and expect people to be such suckers. well, you can and you do, but i'm no sucker. i compared that shit and discovered your lies. i'll stick with my triscuits... after i finish you because it'd be a shame to throw you away since i spent money on you, you prostitute box of crackers. i'll eat you, but i won't enjoy it. not one bit.

to the...

boys/girls who cheat on their girlfriend/boyfriend: you don't love them. no. you don't. don't try and fight me on this. how could you act like such a skeeze if you truly were in love with someone? you would be repulsed or, at the very least, completely disinterested in ever being sexual with anyone else for a while. so, you're a piece of shit. end of story.

to the...

most badass woman entertainer i know: BEYONCE. are you kidding? are you a joke? you have to be, because i can't fathom how someone can be so awesome. sure, you've had your cunty moments, but you're a rockstar on the whole. putting jay-z aside, you really COULD run the world on your own, i'm sure. not only do you make girls of all shapes and sizes feel that much better about their curves, you're fucking gorgeous, a badass dancer, make the coolest music videos ever and help me fantasize about dance numbers in my head at work. thank you. and i'm calling it now: "end of time" is your next single. after "countdown," of course.

to the...

pregnant women i see all over work. YOU HAVE A HUMAN GROWING INSIDE OF YOU. DID YOU KNOW?

to the...

people who don't like cards or believe in them. something's wrong with you. i'd rather get an awesome card on my birthday than a present (eh, maybe not that extreme). the right card can really make your day. and i'm not talking about cards that already have all this shit written in them. i'm talking about HILARIOUSLY witty cards that you add a little spice to with your own thoughts. if you don't have it in you to write something in a card other than what's already written... good luck with life.

to the...

mimosas i had this weekend. mmm, so good.

to...

ryan gosling. i can't, but i would and i would a lot. A LOT. do you understand? like i might be screaming "i can't!" but i could.

to...

all the drivers across the nation - i'm a better driver than all of you. and you're a better driver than him. and he's a better driver than her. and she obviously knows how to drive defensively and you don't. and he can text and drive, it's not as dangerous as you think. and she can cut across 4 lanes to the exit without giving it a second thought. and WE ALL SUCK.

to the...

most adorable puppy i saw recently... you will be mine. oh yes, you will be mine.

to the...

banana bread i made sunday afternoon. you're gone now, but you were loved. you were so loved by so many people and by so many i mean me and a handful of people at work who ate you until you were gone. you were my first ever experience baking, and you were an absolute hit. you were my first and you won't be last, but just know... you will always be the most special no matter how many more breads, cupcakes, cookies or cakes come along. RIP.

to the...

flaming assholes who had the audacity to be "annoyed" by the monumental size of steve jobs's death - FUCK YOU. "big deal! it's just another guy dying from cancer. people die from cancer everyday." did those people create an entire empire? did those people create probably every fucking electronic you use today? did those people revolutionize the fucking world? of course, any death by cancer is a horrible tragedy. but, you're ignorant. he's not just another guy. YOU are.

to the...

people who read my blog: wanna be best friends? oh, we already are? all right. HEY HEY HEY!

 

love,

emma

 

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