pass the past, please

ya know, i'm really tired today. i meant to get up at the crack of day this morning to write, but things got in the way and by things i mean tired. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i apologize in advance if this sounds sleepy, not well thought out and kinda confusing. here goes nothing. people always say you can't live in the past. forget the past. the past is the past. YOU GOTTA FORGET THE PAST. now, i think we all know it's pretty impossible to just FORGET your life. if we're being honest with each other (which i hope we always are because otherwise, what are we even doing here? i can't have this blogger-bloggee relationship built on anything but trust and honesty), the past can fuck you up big time. when it comes to your childhood, you are completely molded by how your parents choose to raise you. you don't agree? well, then you're in denial but that's not what i'm gonna focus on here. not today.

 

 

so, with childhood, you can't help it. you have no control really over how your mom and dad, aunt and uncle, grandparents, godparents... WHOEVER... try and raise you. but once you become a certain age and start making decisions for yourself, you do have control over that. and the more and more life experiences you have, the more and more fucked up or fucked down you can become. oh my God... i'm reading this as i go and KNOW i sound like a rambling, stupid asshole.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL MAYBE THE EFFECT THAT YOUR VERY YOUNG CHILDHOOD UPBRINGING HAD ON YOU AS A PERSON, BUT YOU CAN DEFINITELY CONTROL WHETHER OR NOT YOU DECIDE TO LET THINGS IN YOUR LATER LIFE EFFECT YOUR LIFE AND FUTURE FOREVER. OK???

 

and, much much MUCH more importantly, under no circumstances should you EVER revisit your past. NEVER. do you understand? i will be super cliche and say the past is the past for a damn good reason. it is. you're not with that person anymore because something in you knew you shouldn't be and you weren't supposed to be. you're not friends with that friend you once had because you guys weren't supposed to be friends and it just didn't flow like friendship should. you aren't at that job anymore because it made you want to projectile vomit every time you woke up in the morning and it's probably in your best favor to not associate with anyone you used to refer to as "coworker."

things are never the same when you decide to revisit them. they're already tainted. there's already been too many things said and done that will never go away and you'll never truly be over even if you say you are. you'll hold it in, have resentment, and it'll come out in weird ways:

"can you pass the butter, please? LIKE YOU PASSED ME UP FOR THAT SLUT? ugh i loooove bread!"

"i don't really like that top very much. LIKE THE TIME YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY OUTFIT BUT THEN I FOUND OUT LATER YOU WERE LYING JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME LOOKING CUTER THAN YOU. more wine?"

"this movie is good. I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH DEEP DOWN. ssshhh ssshhh, this is a good part."

 

of course, life isn't black and white. that's sort of the best part about it, but can also be the most frustrating part about it. there's no RULE against revisiting shit. you can do whatever the hell you want. i know i have - revisited shit, that is. and i don't regret it, but it never works out. chances are, if it didn't work out once, it's not gonna work out 12 more times. also, bigger chances are, if you wanted it to work out in the past, IT WOULD'VE.

 that's just what i believe. i'm sorry this entry was scatter-brained and short. forgive me. i want to be your present and future.

- emma

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