emma is...

remember when facebook used to be simple? yeah, me neither. i mean, i can SORT OF remember being a freshman in college when the picture option had just come out but it didn't function for weeks, so it was pretty anticlimatic. however, once the whole "tagging" revolution came about, facebook was forever changed. i thought being able to share my 1932487321 photos with friends and total strangers was the end-all be-all of social networking, but boy was i wrong. now, not only can you literally stalk anyone you could ever dream of stalking, but you can check-in to where you are, share each and every fucking song you've ever listened to throughout the day to make sure people see how cool you are and upload that hilarious picture you just took with your intellectual phone in a matter of seconds.

but the real kicker when it comes to facebook are the status updates. i mean, MY GOD. this aspect of the book is what has changed the most over the years. it used to be SO simple.

"emma is at the library"

"emma is in bed"

"emma is home"

 

so vague, leaving so much to the imagination. at the library, BUT WITH WHO? in bed, BUT WHO WITH? home, IN DALLAS OR HER DORM? back then, you were only doing 1 of a few things: studying, sleeping, screwing or eating/drinking.

THEN they got crazy. they prefixed the status bar with "emma is..." and PEOPLE. WENT. APESHIT.

"emma is... AT THE WHEEL!!!!"

"emma is... SOOO tired"

"emma is... bored!"

 

we were shy at first with this newfound freedom. we didn't want to overdo our luck by being able to so openly express ourselves, so we kept the statuses at a one sentence minimum. a short phrase. a nothing. but then... one dark and stormy night in the world of facebook (AKA palo alto, CA... or maybe it's menlo park now), mr. mark zuckybergy decided he wanted to open up the biggest can of worms known to social networking:

 

!!!A TOTAL FREE FOR ALL OF STATUS UPDATING!!!

 

suddenly, "emma is..." was gone and all that was left was a big blank white bar for you to LITERALLY write whatever the fuck you want in. and oh dear God, do people take advantage of this or what?

now, i'm not gonna sit here and try and protest that i have never abused the status bar and made some pretty ridiculous and silly statuses that have probably made people think "who cares?" "annoying" "whatta bitch," but no one's perfect and i'm FAR more respectable with what i choose to status about compared to a lot of people. FOR EXAMPLE (S):

- statuses like "it's gonna be such a good day!!!!" come the fuck on. i'm betting you only 3-4 people know WHY it's gonna be such a good day for you, IF that. these are the types of statuses that only parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other adult figures comment on. when statuses like these get "likes," i want to scream. i know DAMN WELL if i ever made a status like that, NO ONE would say or do a damn thing about it. shut the eff up, you overly positive weirdos.

- with the world series going on currently, i see A LOT of statuses that simply say "RANGERS!" these statuses get  10 "likes" a piece. what? why? i don't understand? YOU SAID THE NAME OF THE TEAM. WHAT'S THERE TO LIKE? there's nothing creative about that status. if anything, it's not well thought out and you obviously did it in a hurry so i guess the world series really doesn't even mean that much to you. "GO RANGERS!" "AHH RANGERS!" "BASEBALL!" at least make it a sentence, people! give me something entertaining/different to skim as i scroll through my phone during down moments of the game. yikes.

- incredibly personal statuses. absolutely not. how DARE you. these people are TRULY in need of help. i get that facebook crossed the line of personal and public a long time ago, but HAVE SOME DIGNITY. just because they lie about not using your personal information for anything other than their website, doesn't mean you should fuel the fire by telling us exactly how you're feeling and what you're thinking about how you're feeling.  i'm sorry if your boyfriend cheated on you or if you're all messed up over a girl or guy or if life just doesn't seem to be going your way, but the truth of the matte is YOU'RE DEPRESSING ALL OF US. AND you're most likely trying to get someone's attention and it isn't going to work; whoever it is that you're screaming out to most likely broke up with you in the first place because you make personalized statuses.  "mama said there would be days like this... but not this many. so sad right now." "life can be so confusing sometimes. i just need a bottle of wine and maybe a utility size box of tissues." "my FAVORITE thing in the world is when people lie to me. i just LOVE it. FUCK YOU, BILLY!" no, you guys. no. save it for your diary and post a funny picture or something.

just do me a favor and think twice next time before making a status. key questions to ask yourself are:

will anyone really care about this?

is this truly funny?

could i maybe take 4 more seconds to kick this status up a notch?

should i really even post this or am i just bored and feeling not up to status quo?

am i an idiot?

look. i'm no genius (wellllll...) and i'm certainly not the final say on what's acceptable on facebook and what's not. i know i have my tendencies to post too much in a day and plug my blog here and there with no shame. but the difference is... i'm emma. so. ya know.

 cheers.

- emma

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