sky mall treasures and treats

oh, the joy of traveling. every day, thousands of millions of trillions of flights leave and land from and in airports and it's a fucking WONDER that two planes never collide mid-air (seriously. i think about this. with the number of planes floating around up there, you'd think there'd be a fender bender every now and again). flying in airplanes used to be so luxurious. even if you were just in coach, you got food. you got snacks. you got a pillow or a blanket OR BOTH! you even got headphones so you could watch and listen to terrifyingly bad re-runs of "king of queens" or "everybody loves raymond." nowadays, the only time you get that shit is either during a 6+ hour plane ride to europe or if you're in first class, and even then treatment is pretty shabby.

what happened? things got shittier with time like most everything does. people get cheap, and things fall apart. now you can't wait to just get on the damn flight and get the eff home. there is no leisure in boarding an aircraft. except, of course, for the famous and always reliably entertaining sky mall magazine. this is the one thing that has never faltered when it comes to flying. they always succeed in showcasing the weirdest and sometimes coolest shit ever and keeping you distracted for at least a good 10 minutes of your flight.

i traveled recently and snapped some photos of the most upsetting or intriguing things sky mall presented in their latest issue:

the Star of David atop your XMAS tree

it's just like listen. if you're a multi-religious family, just set the menorah NEXT TO the tree and call it a day. i think mixing religions, races, genders, bra sizes WHAT HAVE YOU are all excellent dynamics for a family, but a christmas tree IS a CHRISTmas tree. and a menorah is for Jews. don't mix the two ideas. keep them separate, but celebrate them simultaneously. i just think putting the star of David atop your tree is kinda tacky. we get it. you're not all Christian in this household. oh! i see the menorah and other Jewish paraphernalia by the tree. shalom and hello. keep your tree traditions and i'll be over here eating some challah and laughing about Tom Goldenbergstein's son's shoes.

this dog isn't real

is he? i don't think he is. it looks like a really great fake mold or something. it bothered the hell out of me. what dog looks like this? it looks like a retriever who got a face lift because his owner is a beverly hills house wife. i bet those crazy bitches totally do that stuff to their pets. however, i will give sky mall this: i like the doggie sofa. it's great. useful, makes sense, comfortable - it's their little lounge! i mean they walk around everywhere with their penises hanging out and taking craps while passers-by watch. the least you can do is make sure they have their own haven in your home besides their crate, ya know? but NOT if they look like this fucking michael jackson plastic surgery weirdo dog. freaks me out. i bet his name is "blanket." i just have a feeling. that or "johnny." something weird.

a space blanket?

i don't understand. why wouldn't you just bring a regular... blanket...? i mean, i get this one is easier to fold up and travel with; it doesn't take up that room in your suitcase you could use for sex toys and bottles of perrier. but why? "i'd rather sleep under a sheet of plastic than a soft, normal blanket. saves space in my bag." i mean... come on. there's no "silver lining" here, sky mall but good try with the play on words. hotel beds are already pretty disgusting as is, i don't need to gross it up more with a cold, plastic blanket. i could use the shower liner from the hotel shower - same difference. i'll just find an awkward way to pack up the tiniest blanket i own instead of using this, thanks.

"ONLY FOR TOTAL DBAGS"

sorry the picture is blurry - i was shaking with upset at how ridiculous this is as a product. "wife stopped having sex with you? friends hate your guts? feel boring and need something to validate you as a person again? BUY THE WHACKY HAIR VISOR! A SUREFIRE HIT ON THE GOLF COURSE. AND BY HIT, WE MEAN LITERALLY HIT BY A GOLF CART BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE MANIAC." it's like someone scalped Guy Fieri and made a fake hat out of it. so upsetting. the only men who wear this for laughs are drunks who smoke a lot of cigarettes, wear a lot of polos, have a gap in their front teeth and probably try and talk every woman they meet into having butt sex. that's my conclusion.

rave in your shower

get this and all you need is a lot of ecstasy and some glow sticks. AM I RIGHT?! it's just like... who? who would want this? a club owner, probably. or a DJ. or a teenager. the main issue here for me is that i KNOW the color changes would fuck me up. i'd think there was something on my skin every time it was red or that i was coming down with TB if it was green. plus, i'd miss 3 spots on my legs while shaving every time. i just know it. a shower is meant to be calm and relaxing and full of good light so you can see what corrections need to happen to your body. it need not be a rave unless you have someone else in there with you in which case you shouldn't need crazy cool lighting to have fun. just soap up that loofa and sing hit broadway tunes together, ya know?! that's MY idea of a good shower time.

mushroom box?

GROW POISON FUNGI IN YOUR VERY OWN KITCHEN. it's hard enough to trust mushrooms at restaurants. it's a whole other issue to GROW THEM from a BOX in your kitchen and then eat them. i mean look at them. look at the mushrooms literally BURSTING out of the box. i don't quite understand. mushrooms just look so scary and foul as they are, i don't need to watch how the foulness happens and then pick them off each other to eat. SICK NASTY. this is a death wish waiting to happen.

clutch walking stick

sorry that i'm not sorry for wanting this. i would blow the $60 on it. dare me. i'll do it. it's a fucking GENUINE HANDMADE IRISH SHILLELAGH. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE THAT WORD, BUT I WANT THIS. i'd walk around with it. i'd find other uses for it, too. like opening doors or getting things from high up. or i'd just stand in my doorway when friends came over and scream "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" so many amazing opportunities here.

sumo wrestler coffee table WTF

yeah, because this makes a lot of sense and is an incredible investment. i can't. what's there to say? someone who is ACTUALLY brain dead created this. i'm convinced. that or just a fucking idiot. if i walked into a house and saw this there, i would push it over and slap the person in the mouth who owned the house. then i would browse their kitchen for food, take it and leave. this is just unacceptable to me on all levels.

dog statue on a chair

AH! oh! oh my gosh. i thought that was a real dog. no. it's a statue of a dog. on a chair. in your house. hey. here's an idea: GET A REAL DOG AND MAKE IT SIT ON YOUR CHAIR. WHY DID YOU SPEND MONEY ON A DOGGIE STATUE YOU FUCKING FREAK? do you need something to do with your money? can i give you suggestions? give it to me.

merry christmas ornament

nothing says "Christmas" quite like a pierogi ornament. one Christmas, someone gave this to me and i was like "omg. a pierogi ornament?! this must've cost you a fortune!" not really. that didn't happen. i'm Jewish and, although we do observe Christmas, we don't have a tree. the point is, it's a pierogi. hanging from your tree. why? how is this meaningful to you? did your ancestors once cross the ocean blue to america by way of a canoe crafted from pierogis? did you lose your virginity to a pierogi? WHY A PIEROGI? WHY? ANSWER ME!

and that was all i could take from sky mall. i lost my patience after that and fell asleep for the remainder of the flight.

thanks for the memories, sky mall.

- emma

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