take your advice and SHOVE IT

this has been a post waiting to happen since the dawn of time when girls were born and given brains. when the powers that be made us, they said to themselves: "i'm going to make these creatures with vaginas and two circles of fat on their chests be able to dish out incredible advice but never take their own. YES! it's pure genius and will result in never letting them be as smart as they come off as. i love myself." and woman was created.

no woman is safe from this. we all talk a big game, but when it comes down to it and it's time to take our own advice, we completely fall apart. we can sit and tell our friends exactly what they should do down to what a text should say ("don't use a question mark. be firm! it's not a question. it's a statement, you bitch!"), but when our friends sit there and try to give us the EXACT SAME ADVICE we just gave them, all we do is challenge them. "yeah but your situation was SO different." "yeah but i mean... it's not the same." "i know i said that to you when you were in this exact same situation, but i'm gonna go ahead and do the total opposite."

insane, right? all of us are. if you're saying you're not, you're a bitch or you might have a penis - you should have that checked out. guys are born with an innate characteristic to be assholes; girls are born with an innate characteristic to be crazy. that's how the world works and there's just no fighting it.

except we do. we fight it everyday. first rule about these innate characteristics? fight them. fight them hard everyday. we convince ourselves we're NOT being crazy and this is normal and our situation at hand really IS different than anyone else ever and so we're not going to talk anyone's advice until you literally find us laying on the side of the road in a heap because we've failed so hard at the task at hand. ever seen this incredible video from the Harvard Sailing Team?

"Boys Will Be Girls"

 

hilarious, because IT'S SO TRUE. girls are incredibly hard on themselves in most aspects of life, analyze everything like they're in a fucking laboratory, and really love froyo. but when it comes to a sticky situation your friend needs advice in, your mind is clear as day. you read her the right act, tell her to snap the fuck out of it, give her some of the best pointers she could've asked for (and maybe some Xanax) and she's bowing down to you a day later thanking you for all your wisdom.

but when it's YOUR turn to freak out, you don't trust yourself. the girl who gave her best friend amazing advice not a few days ago is at a total loss. was that your evil twin? must've been because she's nowhere to be found now. all that's left is a helpless, little bird with broken wings and a broken spirit.

 "tweet! i literally have lost any and all common sense in my head! twirp! what was that i said to you yesterday that was so dead-on? i can't remember! tweedle! is it cold in here or is that my anxiety?"

(sidenote: how cute is that bird? i wish he was my pet)

here are some prime examples of giving great advice and not taking your own:

your friend is clearly in a bad relationship and isn't happy. you can see it. everyone can see it. all the signs are there, so you spell it out for her like it is and are as honest as you can be without making her feel like the world is coming to an end. she listens. breaks it off. and although it takes a bit, is a much happier person down the road.

THEN - whoda thunk?! you wake up one day and realize perhaps you're beginning to see what she was talking about in your OWN relationship. so what do you do? ignore it. ignore it so hard, you give yourself ulcers. you rationalize every single thing until it's almost unrecognizable. "no, but like, it's NOT the same as what you were just going through because we met A MONTH before y'all did so we have that much more history together." "i know i SAID i don't like having sex with him anymore just like how YOU said that about YOUR ex boyfriend, but i didn't really mean it. people say things, ya know?" DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF TALKING? you know all those mean things you said behind your friend's back about how weak she was acting and how fucked up her situation was? yeah well...

another example. someone is giving your friend a really hard time. some stupid bitch with a bad attitude and ugly face. you tell your friend that she should just confront the girl and let her know it's fine if they don't get along or like each other, but you better put on a good face and freeze a smile on your mouth. she does so and it turns out to be totally fine and your friend and the girl fall in friend love.

soon after this scenario, you find yourself in the same situation with a nasty bitch who rubs you the wrong way. your friend reminds you of what you once told her and now look at her! she's in dangerously close lesbian love with a once sworn enemy! but no. this isn't going to work out the same for you. even though it's the EXACT SAME situation, you're convinced the same advice you gave your friend obviously won't work the same for you at all, so you're going to ignore yourself and everyone else. because you're a dumb, daft, stupid cow.

we're the most stubborn broads the world could've asked for. calm as a baby full of milk and baby tylenol PM when it's not our situation to be fretting over, and total bipolar wrecks when it IS our situation to be pulling our hair out about. BUT WE WON'T LISTEN TO OURSELVES.

HEY, OURSELVES! HEY. LISTEN. ARE YOU LISTENING?

TAKE YOUR OWN GD ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

that goes for me, too. listen to yourself writing emma. hear your fingers strum the keyboard and know you're just as bad as the rest of them.

to my immediate friends: i love how good we all are at not listening to each other. xo.

- emma

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