oh come, all ye faithful. joyful and triumphant. oh come ye, oh come ye, to emmmmmmmmma's bloggggggg. i should state, for the record, that i am Jewish through and through. 110% Jewish. HOWEVER, my family has always recognized Christmas because hey - just another excuse to give and get gifts and eat a fuck ton of food, right? right. at least in our minds it's right. but, like the good Jewish gal that i am, i always light my menorah every year. so, a happy hanukkah to all my people!
anyhow, welcome to my holiday blog edition. why don't you have a seat and stay a while? let's soak in the last few days of this holiday season by chatting about how the joyous time of the year somehow is so prone to turning terrifying in an instant.
i was texting my friend the other day (something i rarely do) (just kidding) (i have a texting problem), explaining to her that i may not be able to make it to hang out with her on Christmas night because my mom has been a little, uh, stressed lately to which she replied "holirage."
have your ears ever had the pleasure of hearing a better term? holiday and rage meshed into one fantastic word. sorry to burst your cheerful, joyous bubble but come on, folks. we've all experienced the effects of holirage, whether we ourselves have had it or we've watched it happening all around us.
incredibly prime examples of triggers for holirage:
--> the meal's overcooked.
--> nothing came out on time.
--> you saved christmas shopping til the last minute and now can't find that perfume you were planning on getting and the crowds at the mall feel like you're on a kamikaze mission.
--> you got dumped.
--> you dumped someone.
--> you just realized that Christmas dress you were planning on wearing needed to be taken to the tailor and now there's no time.
--> you have to visit 3 families in one day. why did you marry a guy with a divorced family? you hate yourself for it this time of year.
--> your first attempt at a pecan pie went terribly wrong and tastes like a pile of steaming dog shit with pecans wedged in there.
--> you woke up late to your alarm christmas day - your grave will be dug and ready for you when you arrive to your parent's house.
--> those annoying kids who scream constantly and are massive brats will be apart of your entire weekend.
--> you have the flu.
--> you have the clap.
--> you got the runs from the half bottle of wine you decided to consume before dinner.
--> you have 10 paper cuts on your hands from wrapping and keep forgetting about it and asking for hand sanitizer.
--> something smells bad and you can't figure out what it is and UGH SOMEONE GET ME SOME WINE
WHATEVER IT IS, you're not alone if you've ever experienced holirage first hand. it's not pretty and it doesn't feel good, but sometimes it just happens and you can't control - kinda like shitting your pants or your water breaking. thankfully, there are ways to combat this monster of an emotion during the holiday season and it goes by the name of
what did you think i was gonna say? to suck it up and put a smile on? i mean, you can attempt that, but i'm just letting you know that a good glass of wine or some spiked eggnog is going to help that smile naturally crawl across your face until you even have YOURSELF convinced that it's real. choose your poision and let it serve as your antedote in moments of great stress, upset and awkwardness this holiday season.
don't look at me like that. i'm not PROMOTING alcoholism. i'm just suggesting it might be the quickest fix in times of christmas horror and everything that surrounds it. that said, if alcohol doesn't do the trick for you in regards to stress, perhaps some of these other tricks will soothe your holirage?
--> carry a stress ball wherever you go
--> take a vow of silence right before Christmas and pretend it's a part of some self-bettering shit you're doing
--> go on vacation and screw the holidays
--> stock up on lexapro or xanax
--> take the long way to every single event you have to attend. gives you more time to curb the rage.
--> buy a puppy and NEVER LET IT GO throughout the entire ordeal
--> dress really, really cute so regardless of what stress may come, at least you know how cute you look. just sneak off to a mirror and say "OH MY. who is THAT?!"
--> smile and nod and that's it
--> offer upfront to do the most annoying task of the day/night so that later on when people are getting on to one another, you can be all like "WELL I PEELED THE POTATOES SO UHH... Y'ALL CAN SUCK IT."
i'm not trying to be a grinch - just being realistic. at this time of year, you're feuding with your sister but talking to your brother. or getting along great with your dad, but your mom won't make eye contact with you. one of your dogs is humping your leg and the other is being a snotty bitch in the corner because her bone wasn't as big this year.
here's to holidays, food, drinks, hopefully a good present or two and cheese balls. mmmmmmmmmmm cheese balls.