it's 2012, bitches

here's what i looked like new year's eve night:

here's what i looked like new year's day morning:

here are some questions i had to ask myself new year's day when i awoke in my bed in my apartment:

--> who's next to me? JUST KIDDING. it was my pillow.

--> where's my tank top i had on under my shirt?

--> how much did i drink last night?

--> did i vomit?

--> wait, did i make a TURKEY PESTO sandwich as my drunk food?

--> did i fall asleep hugging the toilet?

--> how the fuck did i get in my bed?

--> why do i do this shit when i live alone and could so easily die and no one would find me for days?

do you ever wonder that? i do. like, what if i legitimately choked on something and died in my place. what friend of mine loves me enough and is worrisome enough to know it's not normal to not hear from me and actually come by my apartment? they'd see my car here. they'd see my door was locked. they'd hear no noise. knowing me and them, they'd probably think i was secretly seeing someone and he had come over to get me and i was hiding out at his place or some shit. but , no. i'd be dead just behind the door. think about that, friends. think about it long and hard.

let's go back to the turkey pesto sandwich making, because this really did happen and i'd like to explain my drunk thinking behind it. you see, all i had new year's eve day was a pound of chipotle at around 4, so naturally, i didn't eat again all day or night. by the time i got home, i probably could've laid my drunk ass to bed, but i decided i NEEDED to put something in my stomach to mesh with the champagne and vodka that was already swishing around in there. i had nothing here - no microwavable pizza, no bagels, no tortillas. so, what did i do? i made a pesto turkey sandwich.

(this picture is not of my pesto turkey sandwich, fyi)

granted, i use to make these as my #1 drunk food in college. i know, right? it's like the fanciest drunk food ever. my college-self could obviously handle these sandwiches at all hours of the night, but my present-day self cannot. i made it, dropped it on the floor, picked it up and ate it all, and threw it back up about 5 minutes later.

evidence of me dropping it on the floor:

as if that wasn't foul enough (there's something so outrageously disgusting about throwing something up MINUTES after eating it), i fell asleep on the GD toilet?!?!!!? REALLY, EMMA? REALLY? you're THAT girl? i've never in my life done that before. have i curled up on the bathroom floor using a bathmat as my blanket? yes. have i left the shower and sink running for 30 minutes at a time to drown out the noises of me getting sick? yes. but never have i EVER fallen asleep hugging the toilet like a douchebag.

thank the quails that it was only for 5 minutes or so (at least that's what i'm telling myself. i have no concept of how long i was actually like that). i probably would've been a depressed wreck all day sunday if i had woken up on my toilet at like 8am. instead, i ate all day yesterday. you think i'm exaggerating, but i'm not. firstly, i was PISSED that i don't have a boyfriend because that fucker would've gone and gotten me food IMMEDIATELY while i laid in bed and died inside (i'm not really that mean - obviously i would've made out with him for going or maybe felt him up or something). but, no. i had to put on my green sweatpants and whacky TOMS boots to trudge out the door and retrieve nourishment for myself. pictured here:

 

as i made my way over to einstein's, i was prepared to slam my car into the side of the building if they were closed. i shit you not when i say that i almost started crying when i saw the "open" sign. however, because i waited so long to leave the house (230p), the vultures had already eaten all the good bagel flavors, i.e. everything and pumpernickel. i had no choice but to buy the last two honey whole wheat bagels and eat both of them. yeah, you read that right.  i fucking posted up with "step brothers" and ate TWO GD BAGELS, BACK-TO-BACK.

i don't know what you want from me. i had A LOT of champagne pulsing through my veins and needed carbs to soak it up. a salad isn't gonna do shit except be a pussy and i needed REAL food in my body. also, i do this thing where i get completely obsessed with one movie at a time, regardless of what year it was released. in college, it was "anchorman" 5 times a day. now it's been "step brothers" probably 10 times in two months. OCD.

time went by. i paced around briefly, but mostly laid on the couch. i texted everyone i knew about the previous night. i contemplated washing my face but decided that was way too much effort. then it hit me - ORDER PIZZA. DUH! i'm already two bagels in, how much worse will a pizza be?! and i have the perfect excuse: new year's hangover... and just because. so guess what i did?

TREATED MYSELF

 

look, the ONLY reason i got domino's is because they offered a side of ranch whereas papa john's, my usual go-to, didn't. and for some hormonal, fucked up, gross reason - i REALLY needed ranch. i don't suggest domino's. ever. they've made their crust all garlicky and buttery... it's not good. but, did i eat it all? yep. in one sitting? no! how dare you. but over a 6-hour period? yes. i've never done that and i feel pretty sickened by myself, but also kinda proud? i mean, LOOK at that pizza. it's food porn. and i hit it - i hit it HARD.

needless to say, this was me by the end of my binge-eating day of complete laziness and obesity:

i'm almost positive i consumed 5,000 calories in total. does anyone know how many calories a medium pizza is? don't answer that. please.

ya know what though? it was an awesome day. NO REGRETS IN 2012!!! I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN!!! RIGHT AFTER I VOMIT AND LOSE 20 POUNDS!

happy year of new!

- emma

 

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