love advice. love, emma.

hello ladies and men. guess who's in town today? the love expert, emma. i know all there is to know about love, like, sex, celibacy, and soon i'll know everything about turkey tacos. but that's a whole other line of conversation. why don't you grab yourself a nice, comfortable place to sit and get ready to indulge in the wisdom i'm about to spit at you via THE INTERNET. but, in all seriousness, i'm not an expert. i pretend to be, but as you can probably tell by my past posts, i don't know what the fuggin shit is going on. however, i like to tell myself "fake it til you make it" - even though i will NEVER, EVER, EVER fake an orgasm. NEVER. hey. if you can't get the job done, you don't deserve to witness my astounding acting skills, chump.

i like to give advice. what i like even more is to give advice to questions i find on the internet on advice sites that are some of the stupidest, oddest and most embarrassing questions i've ever read in my life. i will post the question, followed by my facial reaction, followed by an answer.

this is a segment i like to call:

love advice. love, emma.

question 1.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We’ve already asked each other all those getting-to-know-you questions. Maybe that’s the problem. I feel like I already know him so well that there’s nothing left to say. Now I feel that ‘spark’ starting to slip away as our curiosity about each other fades. Is this what happens to all relationships? What should I talk about with my boyfriend now that we know each other so well?

wait. WHAT? you're writing in to ask what to talk to your boyfriend about? maybe get off the fuggin internet and go do some activities with him or something that'll prompt conversation? look, i understand silent moments and running out of truly interesting things to chat about with your S.O. every single day of the week, but if it's THIS bad that you're writing into a website called www.dearanyone.com, maybe you should break up with him? or the two of you should go to a couples' socially awkward therapist or something? maybe you're both just really boring - have you thought of that? after a while, you can't help it if the bulk of your conversation turns into talking shit on your group of friends or what you both had for lunch. after so long, asking him what that scar is and what her thoughts on whether or not aliens do exist gets old. you can only have pretentiously long conversations about religion and the meaning behind "iron chef america" so much, people! silence can be golden. read a book. next to each other. geez.

question 2.

My wife asked me what would I do if she cheated. I asked her if she did cheat, and she became evasive and said, "Well, oral sex isn't cheating." Another time she asked the same question. Again, I asked her if she did cheat and she said she wouldn't tell me until she knew what I would do. She also insinuates she is having or has had oral sex with other people. Is she cheating? Should I worry? Please help.

awww, man. i have some really bad news for you. i'll give it to you in list form:

a) your wife is s'ing SO MUCH other D, it's unreal

b) you might've married a whore

c) it's very possible you're either an animal or certifiably mentally handicapped, because otherwise i don't see how you could even be questioning this?

d) your wife is for sure a whore and really likes other weiners. not yours.

i hope all that helps. i really do. if you're still doubting whether or not she's cheating on you, i might need to ask to see your certificate of completion from elementary school through high school - just to make sure you're even slightly educated at all.

p.s. you should probably get tested for STDs.

p.p.s. penis. in your wife's mouth. a lot of it. i'm so, so sorry.

question 3.

I just started living with some friends of mine and this guy that I am like way into lives here too. We have been having sex and sleeping in the same bed. He takes care of me. The other night I asked him if he wanted to be with mem He didn't answer me. We had been drinking that night and so I did not think anything of it as we were drunk. I don't know how to approach this situation.

who do you think you are? zooey deschanel on "new girl"??? "la la la! i'm gonna move in with male roommates and be so quirky and cute and awkward and bangy and blue eye-dy and everyone's gonna embrace the shit out of me and love me even on days when i haven't showered for 5 days straight because how could this face ever smell anything but AMAZING?" NO. you're just another dumb douche who decided to live with guys and then fuck one of them and now look where you are - that's right. alone. laying next to a guy who will never see you as anything but an easy hump because all he has to do is walk 3 feet to your bedroom and invite himself in. and sometimes make you breakfast in the morning even though that's not saying much since YOU'RE ROOMMATES. hang on. is this snooki? it sounds like snooki. or someone snooki-esque. here's my advice to you: stop screwing him, move out, and get in the fetal position with a jar of fried pickles. i swear you'll feel at least 15% better.

question 4.

A guy and I hooked up about a month and a half ago. We had wonderful sex and all. We saw and talked to each other for about a week and a half, then we had sex again. About 2 days ago he said he might want me to be his "woman." I just laughed and now he is avoiding me. Why? Is it because he got what he wanted or because he thinks I blew him off by laughing at his question. I tried to call and talk to him but he has avoided me for the past two days. I called him and when he realized it was me I think he hung up.

you IDIOT. a guy bones you THEN claims he may want to make you his girlfriend and you LAUGH?!!!??? ARE YOU INSANE? don't you get that getting a guy to be sexual with you and then ACTUALLY follow-through and say "you are my main lady friend" is like... well... it's INCONCEIVABLE! okay, i'm being dramatic. i know it's not THAT unusual, but really. you know what a grown man is like when it comes to relationships? a bird. like a little baby bird who will flutter away at the slightest movement. you have to be quiet and soft and offer them small bites of bread. you don't want make any sudden, large motions like LAUGHING at their request to make you their girlfriend because he'll flap those wings so fast, you won't know which direction he flew off in. you hurt his ego and you hurt it real, real bad. that's most likely why you're not hearing from this guy. however, i will say that he should get the fuck over it and return your calls and texts. if he really wants to be with you, he won't let much stop him. at least that's what he's just not that into you taught me - THE BOOK. not the movie.

question 5.

So, I'm 22 year old virgin who has never had a boyfriend. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, and I don't smell. I'm wondering if there's some unconscious factor working against me or maybe I have devolved or something. I don't understand what it is, but I can't seem to get a boyfriend. What does this mean?

come onnnnnn. really? do you swear? be honest. like, you're REALLY not fat? or ugly (by social standards)? are you POSITIVE you don't smell: feet, hair, nether region? because if what you're saying is true, that you are by no means a very obsese, gap-toothed girl who smells like baby shit wrapped up in rotted meat, then i'm at a total loss as to why you're still a virgin. to have sex, all girls have to do is simply state that they want to. that's it. they by no means have to work for it. they don't need to have game. they really don't have to say anything after their declarative statement about wanting the sex, either. walk up to a group of guys at work, at a bar, in a park, in a store, by the river, under a bridge and simply say "golly gee. i'd sure like to have some sex today" and i promise, you will. you can dress slutty to make this statement or wear a cardigan buttoned all the way up your effing chest - either way, once you make it known that you're willing and ready, somebody WILL take you up on that offer. trust me. guys have a much harder time convincing girls what a great idea it'd be to let them stick their something in their something. we have the vagina - we have the power.

question 6.

What’s the 21st century etiquette when it comes to picking up the bill at a restaurant on a first date? I’m an urban professional male, and I tend to date urban professional women. Picking up the tab seems to get mixed reviews. Some women like the old school rules, while others feel like they’re not being respected as modern women. Personally, I don’t mind either way. If I’m interested in a woman, I just want to please her, and I’m happy to pick up or split the tab as she sees fits. But it sounds pretty dorky to say, “What would you like? Me paying or splitting the bill?” So is there a way to work out the paying issue in my favour, or is it a crap-shoot every time?

first of all, WOW you sound douchey. like WHOA. just the entire way you wrote that: your language, your syntax, your everything. yuck. secondly, i go back and forth with this but here's how i truly feel when it comes to who's gonna pay the dinner bill: always assume, as a man, that you're picking it up UNLESS it's been discussed before OR if you've been dating for a good amount of time and you guys have a certain system worked out. personally, i think offering to leave tip or to pick up the first round or so of drinks for you and your man is really great. and it's also really great as a woman to be treated to things a lot of the time. i'm on cloud nine if you buy me a single flower. doesn't have to be a 3-course meal. it's the little things, people. please let's not forget that.  i find myself opening doors for myself way too often so chivalry probably is dead and men can resuscitate it by assuming their buying you dinner in a date situation. that's all i'm saying.

question 7.

I have been dating a man since May. Last Sunday evening at an event we were with his friends and mine together for the first time and at the end of the evening we looked around and he was gone. He left me and has not contacted me since it is now Tuesday. What advice do you have for me regarding this?

wow... um... this is awkward. so, he just like... left??? waited until you were distracted and literally ran out the door? he ran away from you, honey. he actually ran away. i'm so sorry. maybe he had a double life? or a vagina that was hidden? or was a serial killer? think of it that way. not really sure what else to say to this. it is what it is? let it be? everything happens for a reason? if you love something, let it run away in hopes it might come back to you but probably won't because why the hell did it run away from you in the first place? hang on a second. IS THIS THE 22-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN FROM QUESTION 5? I KNEW YOU SMELLED LIKE BABY SHITS.

this has been emma on...

love advice. love, emma.

stay golden, pony boy.

- emma

 

 

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