to the best of friends
if growing up has taught me anything, it's that paying bills sucks, your tolerance for mass amounts of alcohol rapidly depletes before your eyes and cheese fries aren't so tasty anymore when you see that they're not just being eaten, but also finding pockets of home (fat) on your body. but the most important thing it's taught me thus far is when it comes to friends:
QUALITY OVER FUGGIN QUANTITY
when you're younger, you want to be "popular." you want to be "liked by everyone." you want to be a "cool girl." name brand jeans, expensive handbags you don't deserve yet and blow jobs are the things that matter most when it comes to gaining that recognition from your peers. however, the older you get, the more you realize that it's not how many friends you have that matters - it's how legit those friends really are.
it's so difficult, especially as a girl, to create seriously long-lasting and real friendships. girls are evil. they're petty. they're dramatic. they feed off each other's emotions like zombies. they can be a size 0, but walk around saying how bad they need to work out (FUCK OFF if this pertains to you). in a word, they're CRAZY. but it's when you recognize your craziness in other friends that real friendship is born.
"hey. she totally gets my insanely twisted daydream i have about that guy at work."
"wow. i didn't even need to explain why my boyfriend even looking at another girl made me so upset. she just gets it."
"holy shit. she always texts me back within seconds! SHE HAS A PHONE ADDICTION, TOO!!!!"
it's the little things that put that twinkle in our eyes and vaginas when we realize we have perhaps found a new friend - a legit friend. to decide to REALLY give a friendship your all is like committing to a life of craziness and completely irrational situations for the rest of your life. it isn't for the faint of heart, so that's why it's better to limit the amount of truly committed friendships you do have, because taking on more than 4 or 5 can get really stressful.
all this is why i decided to take the universal wedding speech that opens most weddings and tweak it. for girls who have these sort of raw, honest-to-god, totally amazing friendships, this should be our oath and what we live by every day:
we are gathered here today in the sign of God to join together this lady and other lady in holy friendshippery, which is to be excepted as an honorable and simutaneously insane thing among all men and women; and therefore to be entered into with much warning and to not be taken lightly.
into this holy estate these two psychos now come to to be joined as besties for life. if any person or living species for that matter can show just cause why they may not be joined together - let them speak now or forever hold their peace. and "crazy" is NOT a just cause because we can't help it, fuckers.
female friendship is the union of girlfriends in heart, body and mind. they will compare all of these things to the other's and secretly resent them if, at any time, they feel even 1 of these 3 things outdoes 1 of their 3 things. they'll notice when the other looks heavier or skinnier, but never make mention of either. they will allow the other full access into the depths of their mind, which will inevitably drive the other crazy before completely mind warping her into actually agreeing with your totally irrational train of thought.
but! most importantly – lady friendshippery will create a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained even when you wanna slap a hoe. through friendship, these completely unpredictable girls make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures even when shit feels so dark and gloomy, you can't get out of bed. you will feed each other wine and listen to the other retell the story of her lost love 15 more times until she's completely drained of any more emotion. when no more tears can come, you've done your job.
these ladies will promise one another to aspire to these ideals throughout their lives together – through mutual understanding – openness – and sensitivity to each other. although there will be times you feel you could actually physically attack her for being so dumb, ridiculous, dramatic, rude, sketchy, emotional or bitchy - you will do no such thing. even when she's getting back with her ex, sleeping with that asshole who you all hate, dating someone you don't like in general, didn't call or text you back, didn't invite you to an outing, made better drinks than you did, looks better than you, etc -- you'll just think evil thoughts about her and live with the guilt of thinking those thoughts the next day when she's super nice to you and admits she was a bitch and hugs it out.
we are here today – before God – because lady friendshippery is one of His most sacred wishes - it gives him something to laugh heartily at and thank himself he's not apart of. this occasion marks the celebration of love and commitment with which these two heterosexual girls begin their life of true, insane, incomprehensible, ugly, pretty, fat, skinny, tired, hyper, annoying, exciting, and INCREDIBLY REWARDING friendship together.
and now – through me – i join you together in one of the holiest bonds.
may God have mercy on our souls and could you do me a favor? could you pass me that blanket and get these chips away from me?