how's that new year's resolution coming?

i seriously debated whether or not i should even post today considering the mass success of my last entry. it's like trying to follow beyonce's act - impossible and pointless. however, i decided what the hey, i'll go ahead and post even though i know it won't get the kind of incredible feedback the tuesday one did. such is life and blogging. i just wanted to check in with you guys and see how your new year's resolutions are holding up. we're almost at the end of january now, and i felt today might be a good time to ask how badly you're failing at the stupid things you said you would improve this year. let me guess: eating celery only? drinking 10 cups of water a day? already saved an entire paycheck without spending a dime?!!??! NO. YOU'VE DONE NONE OF THESE THINGS.

when my friend's asked me what my resolution was, i said: "i don't know. keep being smart about shit?" i can be dumb, but i feel i've grown emotionally and mentally somewhat and am able to identify a stupid situation when i see one and get the fuck out of it immediately. this resolution is doable. however, in general, new year's resolutions are silly. silly little things that need not deserve any of your attention or energy. you know why? because you're gonna break them. you're gonna fuck up. you are a human being and humans do not respond well to SET GOALS such as "lose weight" "eat less" "save monies" "don't be such a dick." they're too lofty, folks!!! start small then go bigger.

all this being said (er, written), i decided to google the top 5 new year's resolutions. none of them will come as any surprise to you, of course, but i wanted to see what they are and give my opinion about each... naturally.



CAN I GET A "HELL YES!"??? i want to look like her! wait. NO I DON'T. EVER. listen - getting in shape takes time. it's rough, man. it's not something that happens overnight. i'll do a 30 minute workout and then be SHOCKED the next day when i'm still panting like a ravenous werewolf as i walk the stairs at work. it takes legit dedication which i feel most humans aren't innately born with. everyone starts out way too hard and gives up just as forcefully. all that pressure to "be good" the SECOND the new year starts is a mind fuck. the other part of the equation is that when you make this cliche resolution your own, you don't shut the fuck up about it. i will let you in on a secret: NO ONE CARES. the only people who are seriously interested in your fitness habits is you, maybe a weird family member and other fitness freaks. other than that, tweeting or facebooking every time you check into a gym or go on a run makes other people hate you. and not out of jealousy, either. out of annoyance and disgust. do it with class in silence.


i'm trying to do this, but guess what? i got really drunk the other night and woke up and made myself a bagel and it was FUGGIN' FANTASTIC. it's the same idea here: don't start out with this crazy ass diet, beccause i promise you, you will not stick with it. eating better is great - we all should especially when some of us (me) think they can still be eating like a college bitch and wonder what the fuck is happening to her body? but DIETING - no no no. no beer? fuck you. no bread? death to your family. salad every single day with minimal dressing? I WILL FORCE FEED THIS BOTTLE OF GARLIC EXPRESSIONS TO MYSELF AND YOU WILL WATCH. if you jump into "eating better" by basically stripping yourself of any taste bud pleasure at all, you're gonna find yourself ugly crying in the corner of your closet in about 2 weeks, shoveling ice cream and cheetos into your face. although it's an amazing visual, please don't make it a reality because i WILL demand you take pictures. the idea with all resolutions is aim low. very, very low. moving on...


first off, bitch needs some new heels. those are foul. secondly, saving money is difficult - did you know? it sounds doable, but then you're hungry and don't want anything in your house, so you drop $8 on a burrito. then you have LITERALLY nothing to wear so you treat yourself to a new dress for $80. then your electricity bill generates and you have to drop $60. you just spent about $150 in a day. see how easy that was? it's funny because this age (24ish) is supposed to be when you're selfish, no responsibilities really, no family or anyone to support and you should be dropping mad dollars on crap you don't need. but guess what? that ain't it. you like your pretty one bedroom in the cool part of town? and your decent wardrobe? and having cable? and going to fun dinners with friends a couple times a month? and fun earrings? so do i and i'm broke. i mean, i guess if you want no social life and the same clothes for the next year, by all means - save! but i know my shortcomings and those are food, friends and clothes. sowhatwhocares?


i know, right? all the smokers right now are like "REALLY, EMMA??? THAT PICTURE?" look. i have nothing to say on this resolution. i don't smoke. i never have. i don't like it. you should probably quit, but i'm not the boss of you. i mean, fuck! i don't even KNOW you.


oh yeah? you gonna volunteer and feel super good about yourself? NO YOU'RE NOT. this is something that CANNOT change about people. you either have volunteered on a regular basis your entire life or you never have, but always have talked about it like a douche. i know people who for real, for real volunteer - they're amazing and i'm not them. i'm not trying to be because I KNOW i'm not gonna ever volunteer. does that make me a selfish, uncaring person? i think not. but if you think so, well poo poo on you.

all this, though, brings me to the biggest resolution of all. the monster. the general "anything can basically fit under this category" one. the one that cannot really be defined by any one thing and is the loftiest of them all:


what do you mean? less annoying? more talkative? stop talking crap about people? start standing up for yourself? treating everyone equally? being super nice to new people you meet and not making snap judgements because you never know if maybe they just went through a traumatic event and that's why they are being a complete asshole? this list could go on and on, but basically - you're an idiot. you are who you are. yeah, there's always room for improvement, but again we're back to setting these MONSTROUS goals for ourselves. cut yourself some slack. maybe you do suck pretty bad in a lot of ways, but don't try and tackle them all at once. one at a time, buddy. slow and steady wins the race. perhaps this year you can focus on your tone of voice when answering questions and next year you can tackle your tendency to feel the extreme urge to one-up everyone you speak to. it takes way longer than a year to become a "better person" if that's the goal you're setting. gonna try to keep it in your pants more or not be such a slut? what are you gonna do if sofia vegara comes sauntering up to, huh?! what will happen if ryan gosling shows up at your door step? you gonna try to maintain your animalistic tendencies then? I DON'T THINK SO.

i'm just asking you all to be realistic. that's it. be real with yourself. how about THAT as a new year's resolution? "for my resolution, i will start being honest with myself and not setting ridiculous, unattainable goals. i will accept my shortcomings and try to build on strengths i already have. oh and lose 20 pounds. and only eat meat once a week. and work at a soup kitchen every tuesday night. this'll be easy."

god speed, everyone.

- emma

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