the people and us
every time i fly, two things happen: 1) i constantly feel like i'm going to shit my pants until we're at cruising altitude and 2) i buy A LOT of magazines. i'm not exaggerating with number one. i don't eat before i fly, because i'm actually THAT terrified of losing control of my bowels and shitting my pants, skirt, dress WHAT HAVE YOU between the time of boarding through take-off. i have flight anxiety - i can't help it. let's go back to number two, though. no - not THAT number two even though we were just talking about that number two. i mean the magazines. you see, when i lived at home, i was spoiled because my mom subscribes to every magazine ever made, so i always got to read them for free. now, i'd rather use that $3.99 on half a glass of wine than an US weekly or PEOPLE... that is, except for when i fly. i allow myself to indulge since looking at pictures of celebrities distracts me entirely from that fact that i'm FLOATING IN THE AIR IN A MASSIVE CONTRAPTION.
this trip was no exception and so, without further adieu, i present to you some of the funnier things i found while skimming through this week's US and PEOPLE magazines.
beyonce has a baby
because who, has an infant, WOULDN'T want a crib full of bouncy balls? or books from oprah? or a bob marley onesie? blue ivy is gonna be fucking tricked out, smart as hell, and bouncing on fucking balls for the next 5 years. "cause my bottle's too bootylicious for this shit!"
kate winslet talks real shit
man, i love quotes like this. it just makes me feel safer and warmer inside. like oh soooo i'm NOT the only 20-something who gets super confused and frustrated with life sometimes? yay! kate winslet might have a new man every other month, but it's okay because a) she's really beautiful and b) she's wise. she's not afraid to show what boobs REALLY look like when you're lying flat on your back (see: "The Reader" for reference) or to admit that she was all sorts of messed up in her 20s. you go, kate. you go.
the show that makes me want to move to oregon
for those of you who have never seen an episode of Portlandia, do so. for those of you who have and thought "meh," watch 3 more. for those of you who have watched all of them and love them, YES. fred armisien married a really unattractive and young girl (elizabeth moss), but he's a genius when it comes to comedy. the weirdest ones always are. unless they're seriously super weird and just think they're funny and have really awkward, uncomfortable laughs.
you make me uncomfortable
HEY! BRUNO! CAN YOU HEAR ME??? YOU'RE GAY. DID YOU KNOW? i mean LOOK at him. just look at him. i'm glad you're willing to catch grenades for love, but you do know that the love you sing of has a penis, right? because it does. you and j.beiber should hang out. if i had connections, i'd make it happen. just give me time. give me time.
EVERYONE SHUT UP
i mean, okay. i sort of get it. yeah, this world is super "loud" with lots of opinions and conversations and bullshit being spoken... but this woman is actually PROMOTING being introverted and more quiet? but why? those people are always the weird ones. the ones with shallow relationships and friendships and who stand in corners at parties. i'm not saying everyone needs to wear their heart on their sleeve like some people do, but to encourage holding it all in and not freely communicating? yes, i am 100% a product of a generation that craves instant gratification and constant communication but like... oh wait hang on. my twitter just went off. oh! now facebook did. haha! omg my friends are funny. anyway, what was i saying? OMG just got 3 new likes on my instagram photo!
every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
hey, stacy keibler. your dad's an elf that makes cookies and you're getting dumped by george any day now. i'm no body language expert, but i am and this doesn't look good. got that possessive grip on georgey's shoulder, eh? think it's gonna keep him there? not with that smirk of his it isn't. you poor, dumb girl.
the non-surprise of the century
we could talk about paula's confession of hiding her diabetes for three years for hours, but i don't have all day so all i will say is this:
REALLY?!!!!?!!?!?!?!!?? I MEAN WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, PAULA? "IN MODERATION" MY ASS. HAVE SOME BUTTER, WON'T YOU?
no more daisy dukes for jessica
and another one with horrific eating habits. yes, i joke about how when i get pregnant i will most likely eat any and everything i ever dreamed of and not give a flying fuck, however:
come on now. come ON. is this for real? i've heard of pickles and ice cream, but butter on top of a pop tart? it's like she's just TRYING to squeeze in as much weight as humanly possible because she knows she has an excuse. despicable (but hey - did it taste good? i'm curious).
sirius black knows best
gary oldman validating the fact we all know: RYAN GOSLING IS GOD. yeah he's GOT it. he's got the hair. the beard. the lips. the eyes. the nose. the entire face. the body. most likely the penis (but wow would that not be so depressing if he didn't have the penis?). probably the feet. and hands. and adklfjapowfjkalsfhpqw94ufhkehfoiaelfkashf,dsf. we have to stop now. for my sanity.
alien face and lady-man
OMG!!!!!! IT'S MY TWO LEAST FAVORITE "TALENTS" ON A DINNER DATE! ::fart::
friendless and clueless
i mean, i get what you're saying, demi. but WHY would your friends text you if they KNEW you were in rehab??? texting is instantaneous. they're not gonna text you "hey girl! what'd you do for lunch today? we all got brunch. SO yums! mimosas! hehe. wish you were here even though you're getting sober. OK hear from you in a month!" i bet they emailed you and you just failed to mention that only to gain more sympathy. pathetic. (okay, but honestly, if i got out of rehab and four texts, bitches would be answering to a new and improved emma and it'd be ugly).
the future mrs. timberlake
shit, jess. does JT suck on that re-tard pinky toe of yours? i bet he has a fetish with it and BEGGED you to make sure it was poking out of your heels at the golden globes so he could stare at it all night. no? i'm wrong? you just got ill-fitting heels for your feet so your pinky toe is awkwardly and grossly hanging off the side of the heel itself? oh. well. fuck you.
super models age really well
poor heather. i've had some pretty bad candid drunk pictures taken of me before but never reaching desperately for a drink like this. honestly, it really is sad how out of control she's gotten, but celebs should fucking know better by now!!!!!!!! if you're gonna form an addiction, at least practice looking sober for 30 minutes everyday. i mean you ARE actors and models - i know you can fake it.
is that hummus?
you ridiculous, stupid, amazing genius. it's just so unfair.
and let's wrap up with this
I'M SORRY. I LIKED YOU WAY BETTER BEFORE. YOU NOW LOOK LIKE A FAKE-TITTIED, DISTORTED, EVIL WITCH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?@?!@?#@!?E;ADSLFJADILSJFALISJF
people vs. US. always a pleasure.