love advice. love, emma. volume 2.

i think it's time to make this "column" a standard part of every month. i haven't decided when, but it's gonna be reoccuring so... know that. for now, let's say the last thursday of every month. how does that sound to you? HA! GUESS WHAT?  i can't hear you through my computer, so it doesn't matter! to find these questions, i usually end up logging onto www.dearanyone.com. for whatever reason, this is the mecca of all incredibly insane and amazing "love" advice questions that poor souls upload onto the worldwide web. i feel half bad for using this source since these people are clearly all pre-teens, teenagers, totally insane or utterly helpless to the point of ACTUALLY posting a personal question to a website entitled "dear anyone...". i promise, i'm not a mean-spirited person. this is by no means an attempt to make fun of people's woes. i'm just answering their questions truthfully - no matter how completely idiotic or strange or obviously fucked up they may be. i also answer them the way i so bluntly do because i sincerely appreciate when my friends give it to me straight. "he's a raging dickhead and you're acting pathetic." "you're being insane. chill out." "normally i'd say you are being irrational, but fuck it. go for it. rip some dicks off bodies!!!" THAT'S the kind of shit i love hearing, so you all should love hearing it, too.

per usual, i will first post the question, then my initial facial reaction to the question, then a heartfelt response. got it? good.

question 1.

Dear Anyone,

I have been dating this guy. He is 35 and I'm 26. We met 4 months ago and are still dating. He has been with his girlfriend for 4 years and has a 4 year old with her but he has 3 other kids by other women. He used to spend nights out with me until this month because his girl and I got into it. Now he has to go home every night just so she won't think he is cheating on her. But he is with me from 5 pm-12 am Monday-Friday and on the weekend until 3 am. Do you think he will leave her? He doesn't want me talking to other men because he pays all my bills. He turns off his phone when he goes into the house. I know she knows he is cheating on her. Could it be she doesn't care?

what in the fucking fuck are you doing??????????????? i can literally smell your daddy issues from here. i'm willing to bet that if you were to count the number of daddy issues you actually have, you'd very quickly run out of every finger and toe on your body - even if you have an extra finger or toe that you were born with and have always been super insecure about. please don't be another stereotype of a young girl being hopelessly obsessed and in blind love with a flaming dbag who's older and in a relationship and HAS A CHILD. you don't have to do this. you really don't. you can get counseling and re-discover your self-worth and realize you can be in a normal relationship. it's not too late! what does this even do for you? are you happy? are you fulfilled? does it make you feel good that he bones you then bones her right after? if i haven't already bursted every single bubble you just blew out of your bubble wand, guess what? HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEAVE HER AND EVEN IF HE DOES, HE SURE AS SHIT ISN'T GONNA START SOMETHING REAL UP WITH YOU. we've all read this doomed story a thousand times; he says he'll leave. he says he's really in love with you, not her. he says just give him time to figure out how to do this right. then it ends with you two and that's that. oye. you're making me schvitz like a pig. you're worth a real, true, monogamist relationship and if you can't see that, no one else will.

question 2.

Dear Anyone,

I just realized that I am really shy when I talk with men, especially the ones that I might be attracted too. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't feel this way and that no one will respect me if I act this way. How can I stop being so timid and learn how to flirt without being overly smiley?

in love with the world

this is a great question, "in love with the world." the first thing i'll say is don't think you're alone in freezing up around guys you are crushing on. i will be the first to admit i'm an extremely loud person, but when i like you and it's been established i like you, it's like my evil quiet twin comes out to play. usually she's off at boarding school in fucking russia, but she takes a red-eye flight to dallas, texas to ruin my life once i've decided i like someone. i talk a big game, but when it comes down to it, i morph into a drooling, blubbering idiot with nothing interesting to say in front my crush. i can ham it up all night with his friends, but if you leave me alone with him ESPECIALLY prior-to any sort of kissing or physical contact happening between the two of us, my vagina shrivels up and i end up talking about the weather. my best tip to offer you is: just fucking grab his face and make out with it. i am telling you, that awkward sexual tension is 80% of what causes you to clam up. down some "liquid courage" (i enjoy a good vodka water with lemon or SUPER strong beer), make a small mental list of topics to bring up to him, then when the timing is right MAKE OUT WITH THAT BOY. it works. i've actually had a few guys call me out on drinking pre-date or hangout. "is that wine on your breath?" "um what? i don't know ::FACIAL ATTACK::"

other tips for not freezing up around weiners: wear an outfit you feel good in. don't try and dress for the guy, please. i beg you. if you did that, you'd be in cut-off shorts and a see-thru white tank top with no bra every day. just dress in something you're comfortable in so you're not fidgeting all night. also, don't force funny. also, be yourself. also, don't stand with your arms-crossed. it makes you look unapproachable. you can sit with your legs open, but only if you're in jeans and can pull off that "open leg" look. and, finally, alcohol is your bff.

question 3.

Dear Anyone,

I am so confused!

I really like this guy, he is a few months younger than me but I don't care. I have recently discovered that he had a horrible break up with his girlfriend. He told me that she was using him, he suspects to make someone else jealous. He is really upset and I have been there for him as a friend.

I don't think he's ready for commitment again, but I don't know whether I should even ask him in the future or not!

Please help!

um wait. let's focus on the BIG issue here: he's a FEW MONTHS younger than you? what are you thinking even allowing yourself to develop feelings for this guy? this is dangerous territory. so many love stories end really poorly when you're fucking with age differences and a few months is REALLY trying your luck. a few months is such a vast difference and the actual month itself is a huge indicator of how this relationship will turn out. i mean, was he born in the spring? then it might work. but like if you were born in decemeber and he was born in october... DOOMED. you better really think about this seriously before you dive into anything. be smart.

question 4.

Dear Anyone,

I have been in a relationship for 7 1/2 years with this guy. We live together but there is this guy that I used to work with and we have been sexual with each other on and off for the past 2 1/2 years. He has a girlfriend. We would see each other everyday at work and we might be sexual with each other maybe once a month, then we might go to twice or three times a month. Then we might not see each other sexually for about two months. He doesn't work with me anymore but we still see each other some. We don't talk a lot. I have a lot of feelings toward him and I think he might have them towards me too but I think that we are both scared to say anything to each other because we don't want to lose what we already have. Another problem is race. He is black and I am white. This also plays a big part in a relationship or what ever it is called. I want to tell him how I feel but I don't want to lose what we have now.

i'm speechless. i am without speech. but i am not without fingers to type so here it goes: why are girls so dumb? yes, guys are really big assholes a lot of the time and equally as stupid, but OH MY GOD. what? allow me to highlight a few things from this poor excuse for a paragraph: "We would see each other everyday at work and we might be sexual with each other maybe once a month, then we might go to twice or three times a month. Then we might not see each other sexually for about two months." <-- what are you even saying!!!!??? is that english? so like, you'd bone once a month then sometimes up to three times a month then maybe not even touch each other for another two months? also, "He is black and I am white. This also plays a big part in a relationship or what ever it is called." you know what it's called? nothing. you are in nothing with this person. you are fuck buddies at best and both pieces of shit. how's that? race should play no part in this whatsoever because guess what? IT DOESN'T MATTER. he has zero feelings for you. his penis sometimes like to abuse your willing vagina - that's all you've got here. i can't even go on with this one.

but HUGE side note:  i just don't understand. why cheat? why? WHY? WHY? if you cheat on someone, YOU DON'T LOVE THEM. YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA BE WITH THEM. so why don't you just fucking sac up and break up with them? oh because you'd rather murder their soul and end up looking like the biggest piece of shit known to earth, i.e. a cheater??? if you're in a sexless relationship and THAT'S why you cheated, BREAK UP WITH THEM. you should never not be having sex. i mean, not literally - you know what i mean. if you're so fucked up deep down inside and have an itch to cheat, keep to yourself because you don't deserve anyone. stick to ruining your own life, not someone else's. these people who choose to carry on entire side projects of relationships WHILE they're in a real relationship make me sick. okay. stepping off my massive soap box now to a medium-sized soap box.

question 5.

Dear Anyone,

There is this guy at work that I quite like. The other night I dreamt about him, that we were a couple and went out, holding hands, and well just being in love. So I decided I would tell him. I sent a very indirect e-mail to which he responded "what is this about?." Obviously because I was so embarrassed I said "sorry please ignore it." How can I know if he likes me or not? I do work with him and am not sure what next to do or how to act. He accepted my apology and said "these things happen?" But how will I know if he even likes me or not?

Hopelessly Infatuated!

you blew it. you blew it and it came all over your face in a really messy way and you wiped it off and blew it three more times. i'm sorry. i know that was gross but i'm just trying to paint a picture of how BADLY you BLEW IT. wow. have you ever heard of keeping things to yourself and also not emailing really creepy shit to a guy at work who you aren't even sure knows your last name? you are a desperate little girl with big fantasies. admit it: you had that dream, took it as a sign and pulled a total romcom move by emailing the guy and he then proceeded to not only humilate you, but you ARE STILL WONDERING WHETHER OR NOT HE MAYBE LIKES YOU? allow me to translate his responses to you:

"what is this about?" --> "who the fuck are you and what the fuck is this shit? what are you trying to pull? why are you telling me about a dream you had about me, you psycho? your response to this better be really well thought out and the best coverup you've ever concocted."

"these things happen" --> "DON'T EVER EMAIL ME AGAIN OR LOOK ME IN THE EYE OR BREATHE NEAR ME, YOU DILUSIONAL PERVERT."

there is no saving you. i would probably start actively looking for other jobs.

question 6.

Dear Anyone,

My cousin is engaged to be married, but her fiance just admitted to her that he has female online "acquaintances". This is very disturbing to her. He told my cousin that it would NEVER get any further than acquaintances, but she is still disturbed about this. She is beautiful and has a terrific, fun personality and attracts men like anything. She is not able to keep any man as a friend, her men are so attracted to her, they instantly want to get a date, so she is not able to enjoy a male friendship. So she feels the scales aren't even and feels if you have a female acquaintance it COULD develop into something more. Any advice for my cousin? THANK YOU!

your "cousin," eh? sounds like you're pulling the oldest trick in the book by pinning this oddness on someone else,  but we'll go with it. listen - guys having a SUPER strong online presence and involved in lots of sites and things is just not okay. and what in the hell does "online female acquaintances" mean? is this what he refers to his fantasy porn girlfriends as? or like those slutty weirdos on twitter? guys and the internet really creep me out badly. facebook - fine. instagram - cool. twitter - yes but only if it's not strictly about FUCKING SPORTS. other than that, i just... don't trust it and i don't wanna know. and if your guy is going as far to have online "female acquaintances" i? WHAT? your cousin is a dummy head if she follows through with this marriage, because i promise you, years from now, she'll be divorcing him due to irreconcilable differences, AKA internet porn addiction. actually, perhaps your cousin should check his records, his computer, every single private thing of his before she dives headfirst into a creepy marriage with a super creepy guy. i'm willing to bet she finds something so catastrophically disturbing, she ends up in therapy the rest of her life and never sees this guy again. get back to me.

question 7.

Dear Anyone,

I just recently started seeing someone new and everything seems to be going good... at least that is when we are together. When we are together I get all this attention and he tells me how much he likes me and the things he says make it clear to me that he wants us to have somewhat of a future together. However when we are not together he doesn't call, he flakes out on plans and it seems like he just isn't interested. I dont know what to do.

oh snap, girl. been there, done that. GET OUT NOW. lemme tell you something about guys like these, guys who are SO into it when you're in front of them and completely forget about you when you're separated. they're the WORST. they're a breed of a different color and the color is SHIT BROWN. they aren't in it. they don't want to be. they don't think about you when you're apart. they're not genuinely interested in you as a person. they don't care to know if you've had a good day or bad day. they don't say goodnight. they don't say good morning. they just want to see you when they see you, bone you if you'll let them and then wait another week before they see you again. in other, more simpler terms, they're COMMITMENT PHOBES and you do not want to be their next worthless victim. when someone truly wants to be with you and is into you, the problem shouldn't be he/she isn't talking to you as much as you'd like, it should be that both of you have to FORCE yourselves not to see each other SO much and try and make time for other things. woops - i just got super serious. um. nix all that! i meant to write: i'm sure he's just like SOOOOOOOOO busy thinking about what he wants to do with you next that he just doesn't have time to contact you outside of when y'all are hanging out in person. i'm sure he's just super nervous about his newly developed feelings for you and is playing it safe, taking it slow. i KNOW he'll come around and send you tiff's treats at work with a bouquet of flowers reading, "i haven't been contacting you that much because you're so gorgeous, i can't take it. i know this makes no sense, but will you marry me?" ugh. you're SO lucky!

 

and thus ends love advice. love, emma. volume 2. take these words of wisdom, stick them in your back pocket, forget about them until you wash those jeans and they come flying out, then take a second to revisit them.

- emma

 

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