to the... (volume 3)

hi folks! and we're back. hope everyone had a great weekend. i'd say mine was about a 7 out of 10. no, make that an 8. friday was a drunkfest. saturday was a hair cut, a mean black bean lunch and dog shopping (no, i did not find one. you will know when i do because i WILL be that girl who posts 100 photos a day of her pup. sorry. i ain't denying it). and sunday was a day-drinking extravaganza that started with mimosas and ended with pizza (i got a small and didn't finish the entire thing! BABY STEPS!). so, overall, i'd say pretty good weekend for me. sometimes i write blogs entitled "to the..." wherein i address ideas or general groups of people or inanimate objects... really just whatever and whoever i want. these all stem from the hundreds of thousands of observations my brain makes on any given day. if you feel a hot flush wash over your face while reading this, it's very likely you fall under the category i am addressing or you're overheated or i'm making you mad/sad/happy/angry... the list could go on. regardless, here are my shout-outs for the week.

to the...

girls who describe everything as "cute." OH MY GOD FIND ANOTHER ADJECTIVE. my mini skirt isn't cute - it's hot. my cocktail dress isn't cute - it's sexy. my vintage jean shorts aren't cute - they're fuggin awesome. i cannot STAND it when females can find literally no other way to describe something other than "cute." it's so degrading. you spend all this time getting dolled up for a big night and all they can is, "AW! you look cute!" NO. i look cute at work when i'm wearing a cardigan. i look AMAZING when i'm in a mini dress and booties. just because you call me something positive other than "cute" doesn't make you a lesbian or suggest that i'm better than you on every level of life in the looks department. it means you're confident and awesome enough to give me a REAL compliment other than "cute." get over your insecurities for a second and come up with something more creative and meaningful, hmm?

to the...

guys who for real hit on girls at bars. i mean. we're not gonna lie - we have fantasies about meeting our husbands at a bar (because where the fuck else will we?), but we want it to happen magically. examples: we're both at the bar and order the same drink! what?! SOULMATES OR it's daytime and i'm outside having fun, sporting super awesome shorts and a baggy top (it's my fantasy, so this outfit is the SEXIEST thing to you) and we spot each other from across the patio OR we end up dancing all night at a dive bar to the likes of elvis or chuck berry and make out and it's fireworks and you turn out to be a good guy (<-- ultimate fantasy). we DON'T want you to come up to us, have a douchey opening line, linger way too long, be ugly and say thing's like "have you heard of charlie's angels? well you three are MY angels" (yes, this actually happened to me over the weekend). we want to be approached by the gem in the bar, not the douche who hits on any vagina walking. go away, please and thank you.

to the...

people who ask "did you get my email/text?" REALLY??? no. i didn't get that highly-advanced piece of electronic words or mail you sent to me. i didn't receive that text that showed no "message send failure" notice or email that definitely sent out and isn't sitting in your outbox. yes, i got your text and yes i got your email and guess what? I HAVEN'T ANSWERED YET. or whatever you said pissed me off or bored me, so i felt no need to respond. i know people only ask this because they're feeling awkward they're even asking in the first place, so it's sort of the most awkward icebreaker for an even more awkward question to follow... but COME ON. be better than asking if someone got your text or email. it's almost as bad as "hey, did you call?" nah - my phone number just popped up on your phone under the "missed calls" list. WTF.

to the...

trash collectors at my building. I HATE YOU. WHY COULDN'T I KEEP MY AWESOME TRASH CAN WITH THE SWIVEL OPEN TOP THING? I HATE CONFORMING. I WILL NOT CONFORM. oh wait. i already did because i had to. here's your $20 a month. CHOKE ON IT.

to the...

turkey burger. i think i gave you a shout-out in my last edition of this post, but since then, i've changed my mine. you're really good, but i'm sorry - nothing hits the spot like an all-beef burger and please don't try and deny that (unless you're a vegetarian... then it's fine). i've had really great turkey burgers, but i've also gorged on fucking delicious and juicy real burgers and my god - just shut the fuck up, turkey burger. we still love you, but your older sister is way hotter and juicier and plumper and better in a lot of ways. oh no, you probably have a complex now, don't you? let's go to counseling after i finish this junior meal from wendy's.

to the...

fruit and yogurt parfait. no, not from mcdonald's - i'm sure there's fries and burger grease in there somewhere. i'm just speaking to the normal, healthy fruit and yogurt concoctions. you rock. i used to think you were disgusting, but that was just my tastebuds being immature and weird about textures. since then, i have mah-toured and can happily enjoy some fruit, yogurt and granola all meshed together as one. you're sweet, liquidy and crunchy all at once. i'm sorry for ever shunning you. now get in my mouth and save me from my sinking spell. thanks.

to the...

movie theatres. did you know i used to visit you every weekend with my family? and even when i went away to college, i made sure to come see you and your movies at least once a month? that's when prices were doable and a popcorn didn't cost $5. nowadays, i can't remember the last time i was in a theatre. well, yes i can, but i'm trying to make a point here. it's really fucking sad when i want to try and make sure to catch a matinee show so a ticket costs me $7 as opposed to $10. $10 TO SEE A MOVIE?!??? do you realize our grandparents and parents saw them for cents? CENTS. my mom used to pay a freaking quarter to see a movie, then she would go around picking up people's fresh popcorn droppings for a snack. YEAH. so. eff you, tinseltown. i like the "artsy" theatres, but i don't like that you buy the SICKEST bottle of sauvignon blanc possible that i know for A FACT costs $10 and jack it up to $27. how dare you? i can't even look you in the eyes. the movie business has forcibly warped me into the human i always loathed - the "i'll just catch it on cable" human. you can keep your 2-day old popcorn, movie theatres. you'll be needing it for comfort food once you lose every customer ever.

to the...

people who STILL don't have iPhones. you do realize people look at you the same way we used to look at owners of nokia brick phones once flip and slider phones came out, right?

to the...

drunk girls whose voices get really high-pitched and girly and they giggle a lot. you are the reason girls hate other girls so much.

to the...

innovative designer who made "boyfriend-style" jeans and tees a trend. I LOVE YOU. are you a guy? if so, can we be together? wait. are you gay? well, then can i be your best friend?  anyone who KNOWS so geniusely what girls want, i.e. to look effortlessly sexy yet be incredibly cozy and feel good in her outfit all day long, deserves the best of the best. i love my skinny jeans, but damn does it feel good to put on a bag of baggy jeans and KNOW i'm still trendy with my diaper butt. and guys, isn't it sort of sexy? come on, admit it. a cute girl in a bigger tee? you know she's got boobies under there and it sort of looks like she's wearing one of your shirts... yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... sexy.

to the...

fact that i've been randomly waking up at terrible hours (ex: 430a), laying in bed for an hour, then getting up way too early to start my day. WTF? am i 80?

to the...

women or men in department stores who offer you perfume samples as you walk by. i can't. i want to get angry at you all every time, but i also know this is something you've been forced to do. i'm wondering though - have you ever had someone stop, take the sample, love it and purchase it right then and there? i can't imagine that ever happening, but maybe i'm being naive. i will continue to ignore you regardless.

to the...

girls who are all like "i hate giving myself manicures because i always get polish on my fingertip skin." guess what? those little errors wash away as soon as you take a hot shower, you asshole. you can save up to $20 if you just do it yourself with your shaky hand, then erase your mistakes while scrubbing the shit out of your hair. don't make me slap you.

to the...

guys who use phrases like "when can i see you?" "i'd really like to see you tonight." "i want you to come to dinner." "i want to hang out." yes. that's good. that's very good. good boys.

to the...

dallas weather patterns. you're more confusing than the economy 101 course i took in undergrad (the only class i ever actually failed a test in). are you hot? are you cold? are you raining? are you gonna be sunny today? are you gonna be overcast for another month? will i be laying by the pool in april or even march? ANSWER ME!

to the...

fact that it's february tomorrow. where DOTH the time go? my birthday's in 2 months!!! that is just plain ridick.

have a glorious tuesday and wednesday.

until thursday...

- emma

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