springtime for emma (and everyone else)
spring is in the air. you smell it outside, taste it on patios and see it on my actual head when my frizz undergoes an extreme outburst. my hair could pretty much serve as spring's version of groundhog day. "if the frizz is taller than 3 inches, SPRING IS HERE! NO MORE WINTER!" it's breezy, it's mid-temperature perfect weather that forces us to fantasize we're somewhere cool like california instead of our cubes, and everyone is gearing up to want more sex than usual. boners "BOING!" all over the world at the sighting of the first lady leg popping out of a short dress or otherwise hidden cleavage awakening from its winter slumber. and sidenote: YES - with that comment in particular, i do see and understand that probably about half of my blog posts come full circle back to sex (pun intended?), but i can't help it. i guess i view it as an easily relatable, common denominator for everyone.
spring is officially here and things are about to get interesting, y'all.
first on my spring TO-DO list: MINT.
SO MUCH MINT!!! THERE'S EVEN A MINT COUCH. i know. i created this on polyvore (for real. check out my account? i mean, i've only created 3 things so far but...). this creation has no rhyme or reason, it's just mint. mint shoes, mint earrings, mint jeans. be still, my heart. mint (short for "spearmint") is the color of the spring season, so far. trendy bitches and actual fashionitas have made it clear that if you don't own at least one article of mint, you suck. the possibilities here are endless and the race is on for who can find the most obscure and phenomenal piece of mint garb to outdo all the others. GO!
next up: SO MANY DRINKS.
i mean, clearly drinking is a year-round sport, but we all know that what we're REALLY gearing ourselves up for, which is looking like drinking professionals on patios in broad daylight AKA DAY DRINKING (my favorite kind). there's just something so humbling and mystical about drinking when the sun is out as opposed to the dark corners and slutty stilettos that rule the nighttime. what looks more approachable: a lass in a lightweight sundress during the day, sipping a wheat beer? or a strange woman in something black on a dance floor downing vodka sodas? you understand my point.
i had a moment a while back when i thought pinterest was for the birds (i.e. no was repinning me and my virtual pride was hurt and pissed). BUT, i refound my trust in it and have fortunately stumbled upon some BOMB ASS looking beverages to test-drive during the onset of this warm weather season.
red wine with diced strawberries, peaches, pears, sprite and ice (otherwise known as sangria)? uh. i have no issue eating lots of fruit, but fruit that makes me drunk?! THANKS, I'LL TAKE 100.
a rosemary gin fizz. sounds incredibly refreshing, doesn't it? i'm drunk already just from reading the name of it. no, really. gin and i... well. we don't usually mesh well. in college, it caused many blackouts and tears for no apparent reason. it also caused me to completely NOT REMEMBER seeing the black keys at a small concert hall before they were big (so exclusive). but, maybe in my later age it wouldn't be that way...
and just one more...
a peach and lemonade cooler... WITH VODKA. slap my ass and call me a willie - this sounds INSANE. i hope it's as good as it looks because if so, i believe i have found my spring beverage that will easily translate well into 100 degree+ temperatures come summa summa summa time. vodka. yes.
a big to-do: MAKE OUT.
everyone breaks up in winter and gets together in spring. don't look at me like that. you KNOW, you KNOW it's on all of our to-do lists unless you're already with someone and can make out every day (i hate you so much if that's the case). spring smells like flowers and skin and makes me wanna kiss more than usual which, if you know me, that's like... A LOT. i have chosen my prime candidate for this endeavor:
say, pal. why doncha take off that sweater and show me what a REAL man is? i'll shampoo your beard if you let me touch you. please. dear god. A VERY SERIOUS SIDENOTE TO ALL MALES: if you have the ability to grow and maintain a perfectly wonderful beard (definition of "perfectly wonderful" is pictured above), please don't shave during the spring/summer. i know it gets hot. i know it gets irritating. but we shave so many things for you to be smooth and pretty - can't you just keep being manly and rugged for us? again, i WILL shampoo it given the chance.
what else? PATIOS.
many may not know that there is a true art behind indulging on a patio during the spring time. patio sitting is complex. you gotta choose the right place, the right table, the right scene and the right outfit (since copious drinking, eating and sunning will result in bloat and sweat). you don't want to try and squeeze your mass amount of fantastic friends onto a dinky 4-seater of a bench. you best get there early like a mature adult and reserve a spot for your patio sitting group. i don't CARE if you had errands to run - it's fucking saturday! you get yer ass to the bar and save us a flipping table, BITCH!
what about: spring cleaning.
been there, done that. every day is spring cleaning for me, even in the dead of winter. it's a disease called OCDizzle. i actually just went through my closet last weekend and managed to fill up 2 full bags of clothing and create a pile of pants i no longer need nor want.
YES, those are khakis. and NO, i will not ship them to you. i don't think of getting rid of "old" clothes as wasteful - i think of it as at least i'm not a hoarding pack rat living in a pile of my own feces and LOVING it. i use to be really bad about doing closet overhauls, but now i have three simple rules to apply to each article of clothing i am debating:
1) has it been over a year since i've worn this?
2) is it still "me"?
3) would it look cuter on my tiny best friend?
i also tend to forget about clothes i buy if not worn right away and find them 6+ months later with the tags still attached. that's always kind of like a little surprise. sort of like i'm going shopping in my own closet?
and allergy prevention?
i have no allergies. i'm perfect. you know what i'm allergic to? BOREDOM. NO FUN. POOPY ATTITUDES. yeah. they all make me sneeze, hack up goop and crust my eyes over. so. steer clear if you're a lame ass.
just get out there. have fun. get naked. do stuff. put your clothes back on. analyze why he hasn't called. then remember...