singlehood sitches, vol. 1
this is gonna be short and sweet with as much detail as humanely possible. being single is funny. depressing at times? sure. lonely? yes. but, once you've fully embraced it and gotten over the void of human touch, singlehood is kind of awesome and can provide you with a lot of awkward and hilarious stories if you pay super close and selfish attention to your daily life like i do.
don't get me wrong - sometimes i wish i had a guyman laying on my couch with me who smelled good and let me go all "leech" on him. but then i think about how he'd distract me and i wouldn't go to the gym as much and i'd eat a lot more red meat and queso and just be way less productive as a general rule, and i successfully succeed in turning my own self off to the idea of commitment. good job, me! I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T (someone hold me).
lately, my outlook on life is starting to pay heed to this way of thinking:
what this little visual represents is so simple, so terrifying and so perfect. it has inspired me to become a raging slut and start doing hard drugs because CLEARLY those two things lay within the "magic" circle. HA, just kidding, you guys. but it really has inspired me to take part in things maybe i wouldn't have before. for example, this past weekend, i attended a super social event that was something a little out of my usual comfort zone (i.e. hanging with the same people i always do at a bar or restaurant i always am) and that's what made it exciting. sometimes you just gotta get dressed up, put your lips on and go see local bands perform in a parking lot, ya know?
but, you see, i can't go anywhere and not come out of it with a ridiculous encounter. while i was at this event, i noticed two things:
1) a lot of really REALLY cute boys
2) a pretty aggravated and upsetting gas bubble in my stomach
i think we all know by now that my stomach is QUITE the prankster. she really loves to fuck with me, especially at the worst possible times. like 10 seconds after i make eyes with one of the cuter real life males i've seen in a while. in an instant, i went from "come hither" eyes to "where's the nearest bathroom???????????" face.
no worries. turned out, the local grocery store had a unisex one-staller. kinda uncomfortable, right? that sort of pressure kills me. however, the store was dead so i figured i could take my time and nobody would notice. DISCLOSURE: nothing happened in there. i'm just letting you know so you aren't all like "OMG EMMA SHIT HER BRAINS OUT." everyone knows girls don't do anything but pee, wash their hands and curtsy while in the bathroom. THE POINT IS, i posted up in there for about 10 solid minutes and when i flung the door open to exit, there stood the really cute guy who i had been making eyes at. "hey," i wanted to reassure the guy. "don't be too let down by me. i actually turn into an ogre at midnight, so it would've never worked out." instead, i kept my head down and sped past him.
but before fully exiting the store, i needed to buy pepto since my gas bubble STILL wasn't fixed. and wouldn't you know it - as i was being rung out, i saw him exit the bathroom. i started panicking. i paid as quickly as i could, shouted "ARE YOU CRAZY?!" as the cashier asked if i'd like a bag for my pepto and raced outside. i thought i could get the wrapping open in time and the medicine down my throat before mr. cute guy walked out and saw me, but i was wrong. there, in broad daylight i stood, shoving 4 chewable pepto tablets down my throat by the public trashcans as he glanced over at me.
and guess what? PEPTO PACKAGING ISN'T DISCREET. MAYBE IT SHOULD BE A SUBTLE COLOR AND NOT ELECTRIC, FUCK YO MAMA BUBBLE GUM PINK. COOL.
we never met eyes again and i went home early because my gas bubble never got any better.
the moral of this story is pepto not only doesn't work but its packaging is shit, i still can at least know how to make sexy eyes at someone, and the more you push yourself to step outside that comfort zone and MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF ....... the better life is.