humor in my pants, it's going down

one of my guy friends made a statement recently that really blew my mind. i guess we were chatting about traits within the opposite sex that we do or don't NEED to have when prospecting. he said something like: "i mean she doesn't need to be funny by any means. like, i don't need to date a girl who's HILARIOUS." clearly, we'll never be romantic. but this proclamation really got me thinking. how different are guys and girls when it comes to determining a great mate? are guys seriously all about ass and titties as long as the girl is sweet? or is my guy friend who made this claim out of the norm for not wanting a humorous partner?

i'll tell you this much right now: i do NOT compromise humor.

i dated a guy for three years - that's a long fucking time when you're young. i think i can count on one hand the number of times we REALLY laughed with each other - like totally lost it and sat there cracking up at ourselves or the other. this irked me throughout the entire three years of our relationship and only grew stronger and stronger in my conscience until, one day, i flat out said to him:

"you don't think i'm funny."

to which he replied, "what? yes i do, emma."

to which i retorted, "no. you don't. you laugh at this girl and that girl and i've NEVER seen you laugh at me the same way."

to which he explained, "but emma. i laugh at those girls because they're just so weird, they don't even know they're being funny. you're TRYING to make me laugh."

it wasn't long after this that we broke up.

i think i've had 1 or 2 guys in my life say something along the lines of "you're the funniest girl i know" or "you have the best sense of humor" and i'm pretty positive when those things were said to me, my vagina did 8 backflips followed by a triple axel, followed by a full-length dance routine followed by me falling in love with them. i'm simple, really. i don't require much. that's why it took me a grand total of 6 collective years to FINALLY realize that the funniest guy i've ever met is an asshole (if you read this, i'm sorry. you know we're cool. i have to give my audience some dish, ya know?).  his humor, which is still so spot-on it makes me angry, blinded me completely. humor: a panty-dropper and slippery slope (pun intended?).

my parents have been together for 34 years and STILL laugh so hard at each other in public, it's embarrassing. i mean, after that long, when your once taut booty and stomach grow flabby and old and thinking about putting any effort into anything sexual makes your hip break just picturing it, you have to be able to still laugh as hard as you can with your partner.

i can tell within 15 seconds of meeting someone whether or not they understand my humor. and if they don't, they probably won't ever hear from me again or they'll be like "why doesn't emma like me? whatever she's a bitch anyway. bitch." i just don't have time to deal with people who don't get it. if screaming, funny voices, weird faces or sarcasm don't register with you, please stay 20 feet away from me at all times. i'm prone to giving evil looks without realizing it, and i don't want you to suffer that.

no, but really. we all have our "things" that we just WILL NOT compromise for. after what i just went through for three years, never again will i succumb to dating a dude unless he makes me laugh on a daily basis. and i mean, REALLY LAUGH.  i don't care where or when - JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN.

i get it, though. about how some people don't care whether or not the person they choose to be with is funny. i mean, why would an UNfunny person ever be that attracted to a funny person? that funny person is just gonna constantly outshine them and the UNfunny person will get super annoyed and probably start dumb fights over nothing because they're insecure deep down inside. in this case, it's much safer for an UNfunny person to be with someone similar to their UNfunniness. that works.

i also know there are more "important" things to hold out for in the opposite sex. like niceness. kindness. manliness. opens the door for you ness. doesn't make you go dutch on every meal unless he's in a tricky place financially ness. brown eyes (sorry. colored eyes on guys have always and will always kinda freak me out. the closest i've ever gotten to colored eyes is like hazel. other than that, it's usually poop brown). but all this shit means nothing to me unless he's funny and has a personality. that's how it's always been and how it always will be - sorry, ma!!! if that clean cut, all-american boy don't got no sense of humor and makes me shit my pants laughing, he ain't gonna be your son-in-law. and that's the truth (also, clean cut makes me vom) (except ryan gosling) (but he's not even really THAT clean cut, he's usually a bad boy or like has a beard at least).

oh, also. if they don't talk sexy, you're wasting your fucking time. of course, this is AFTER something sexy has already happened between the two of you. if you've barely made out and he's all like "i want you. my penis is hard just thinking about you," you MIIIIIIIGHT need to be a tad cautious of his intentions. unless you just need some and then i say go for it (although there really isn't any excuse for a male referring to his own penis as "my penis" in a text...).

so, what's in YOUR no compromise zone?

- emma