what we all really want
i'm just gonna say it. i'm just gonna lay it out on the line right now online on my blog for all of you to read and agree with. and ya know why i'm gonna say it? BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL. we're all thinking it. we all want it. it's what we all secretly desire and yearn for. no one can deny that fact. it's what we think about every single second of every single day. it consumes us just like consume it.
WE ALL WANT TO BE FAT.
we all want to just let go. i'm talking fucking sit on our couch or, better yet, in the corner of our apartment and eat. eat so much until we become so obese, we have three new diseases, can barely walk and our breathing is just a low, creepy wheeze. i want to post up with a fucking bucket of KFC, a burrito from chipotle, a bag of egg mcmuffins, a personalized pizza from papa john's, and A MOTHER FUCKING SHOPPING CART FULL OF BAGELS (A SHOPPING CART) and just eat it all. it may take a week, it may take a few days, but i will finish all that goddamn food and i will be SO HAPPY afterwards. no shame, no regrets.
who actually WANTS to work out? who really wakes up every morning (besides olympian athletes or like lance armstrong) and is like "i cannot WAIT to use every ounce of energy i have in my body to run, walk, ellitipcal, lift weights, do jump squats, dead lifts and crunches until i'm super sore and food sounds horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"??? when does sweating and making distorted, painful facial expressions ever sound better than sitting on your couch, in sweats, and eating a pizza and drinking a lone star? that commercial that kept running during the olympics the last two weeks wherein athletes were all like "i haven't ordered dessert in two years," "i haven't watched TV since last summer." yeah? that's cool - as i sit here with my bowl of ice cream WATCHING YOUR COMMERCIAL ON TV.
really. think about it. when do you ever feel THAT happy? after an orgasm? okay, i'll accept that answer. when your dog clearly loves you more than anything else in the world and you realize you've finally achieved that level of unconditional love? yes. agreed. but what's THE HAPPIEST feeling ever? finishing an incredible meal of food and being so satisified and so perfectly full and knowing the money you're about to drop on the bill was well worth-it and not for some chevron-patterned sweater that will most likely be "so last season" by next week. that's why i spend more money on food than i do on clothes (it's the truth).
i want to let go and i know you do, too. i wanna gain 20 pounds and OWN IT. i want to still be considered sexy as hell with big ass fat rolls just bouncing around everywhere and i want my double chin to be considered a statement piece. i want guys to talk sexually about my thick ass thighs covered in cellulite and daydream about feeding me salsa and chips. when did we stray away from the raw sexuality that WAS bigger renaissance women?
look at that tummy! so soft, so vibrant, so.... sexy? no? but there's a dog on the bed, too? FINE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO SAY.......
we all secretly (or notso secretly) want to let go. humans have a lot of upkeep. and lucky for guys, you can be a fatass and probably end up with a hot chick. do you even KNOW what we have to do in order to look good? the hours of shaving, waxing, dressing, face painting, working out, killing ourselves internally over that cookie we had at lunch... it's enough to drive somene over the edge.
AND YOU WONDER WHY BITCHES ARE CRAZY.
all right. i'm done here. i'm gonna go eat a salad and cry.