halloween for grown-ups
last year, when i was younger and not as funny, i did a post that basically was me eating a shitload of candy - click here to see what i'm talking about. i don't really know where my head was at. i mean, i know i can post really pointless things on this blog, but even i don't understand what i was aiming to say with a post that was literally me eating a pound or two of candy. forgive me.
for this year's halloween post, i want to discuss what this holiday means for grown-ups. when you're a child, halloween is strictly about candy. that's it. nothing else matters and why would it? you literally have to use no brain power as a kid when halloween rolls around because your parents (mom) decides on your costume for you, purchases all the pieces for it, dresses you, takes pictures of you (so you don't have to waste your time taking them of yourself for instagram), and then grabs your hand and actually SUPPORTS you in knocking on strangers' doors to ask for fat and sugar.
best holiday ever for a kid? I THINK YES.
things take a turn for the worst once you've french kissed and experienced dry humping. halloween warps from an innocent, adorable clown costume holiday into a night to worship skanks and get anxiety shivers from suck and blow. it's not about who got the best candy anymore - it's about whose outfit was the closest to total nudity without showing nip. and i'll tell you something...
i don't like it. i don't like it one bit.
tiny fey first pointed it out in the classic film "Mean Girls." lindsay lohan, a home-schooled jungle freak in the movie, didn't understand the concept of "grown up" halloween. but, after arriving at the popular guy's house party looking like this:
and seeing all her new friends dressed like this:
she realizes that "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."
but the thing is.... we CAN and DO say everything about it. it's like oh. you didn't have enough fun showing off your abnormally good body all summer long at the pool? what. are you trying to shove it in my face that your workout regime doesn't falter even when summer is over and you have no need to be perfect anymore? well GUESS WHAT. there's already way too much party punch and chips being shoved in my face at the moment, SO GET IN LINE. i wish i could stand up for all the sluts in the world and say i get it and i understand why girls dress like walking STDs during halloween, but i just don't, you guys. i wish i could say that if i had a 6-pack and 5% body fat, i would throw on a midriff baring school girl outfit and not think twice about it, but i wouldn't. because that's not my style. and i think that girls who opt to dress as prostitutes on this holiday are uncreative, jerkfaces with really good bodies that make me cry inside!
i've tried with the whole "sexy" halloween thing. honestly, i have. my attempts have been feeble, though. i'm just not cut out for this type of thing - the whole SUPER OBVIOUSLY sexy thing. i'm much more comfortable showing collarbone... or wrist... or back of the ankle. ya know, what the men of 1871 concerned "sexy." my first try was back in 2007 when i decided being a cokehead model was obviously the perfect mixture of funny and booby:
i thought showing off a little bit of my left breast would SCREAM "whore" without being too forward about it. and, of course, i don't have what you would ever refer to as a conventional model look, so i definitely went the "mulatto model" route this year. teased up 'fro and everything. this halloween ended with me drunk, in the shower alone, crying tears of deep pain as i tried to comb through my afro with my fingers alone. i ended up running out of the shower naked, grabbing the first comb i saw, and using an entire bottle of conditioner to get my hair back to semi-normal. and then i passed out. in bed.
the next year, i 100% was ready to completely fuck halloween in its ear, but my sister convinced me to go out with just her. i decided i would be TOTALLY awesome and rebellious and dress myself as a mary-kate olsen esque person, baggy clothes and all. ya know - literally hide my entire body and face for the most part as to say "no, halloween. just no." here's how that one turned out:
UNCANNY impersonation of mary-kate, right??? like DEAD ON. how embarrassing. i basically ended up looking like an uber hipster who stumbled into the wrong college bar on a normal night of dress. no worries - i paired the tallest heels known to man with this outfit to add that hint of "sex" and ended up in tears back at home an hour later because of how much a) i hated halloween and b) the heels hurt my feet. side note: i still own and wear that "cosby" sweater. every winter.
by the time i was out of college, shit only got worse for this god foresaken holiday and me. halloween and i just don't mix. we're not friends. we fight way too much and someone always ends up hurt. you would think after countless failed attempts to make it an okay experience for myself i would give up, but no. i prevailed. and decided to go the "classy" route by dressing as the "lady in red," which obviously almost instantaneously turned into "aunt flow" AKA - A WALKING PERIOD in my twisted mind:
yes. by the end of this night, i was telling people i was "your period." oh and it should be noted that i was meeting an entire group of people for the first time in my life this night and most of the girls hated me WAY more than any slut at that party. we sat by a bonfire and i was almost certain i was going to be cast into it and scorned for not just showing up naked but rather in a disgustingly, inappropriate, weird costume. whatever. I DO WHAT I WANT.
my FINAL attempt - and i mean FINAL - was the year right after that, dressing in my MOTHER'S idea of a "Booby Trap":
get it? genius, i know. i was proud of this one and semi-comfortable (don't worry - that's a push-up bra. everyone calm down) for most of the night. but, something must've gone wrong this halloween because i have not dressed up since. last year, i legitimately boycotted the holiday. i sat in my apartment on the saturday before halloween when all the parties are rocking and people are s'ing each other's ds and said NO. NO NO NO to halloween. and it felt GREAT. i did it! i actually stuck to my word of hatred and refusal.
i know i seem like a scrooge, but i promise i ain't. the holiday just isn't the same for me anymore, y'all. i don't find the joy in being dragged out to bars and watching sluts parade around in literal underwear. it makes me want to rage, which i can't do because jail isn't on my agenda in life. seeing skanks tra-la-laing around in mouse ears and see-thru leotards ruins any last bit of nostalgia and candylike happiness this occassion used to bring me. and it makes me sad. AND! girls are getting even worse as the years go on. it's gotten to the point where you can put the word "sexy" in front of any costume and society accepts it:
sexy pile of dog shit
sexy skidmarks in a guy's underwear ("that's poop smeared on my chest, boys. hehe")
sexy actual serial killer who is gonna murder 3 of you by the end of the night
it's just effed up.
however, after all my complaining and bashing, i will say i'm actually excited for this halloween. somehow, i believe this one will be okay and i think it's because i'm falling back on a been-done-before costume that i did not picture above for you all and i have two house parties to attend with trusted, awesome groups of friends who will very unlikely be dressed as anything that makes me want to trip them and pour beer over their heads.
but if ANYONE tries to take me out of my safety zone and bring me to a bar, lord have mercy on your ghastly soul. i will turn full hulk on you and trust me - the hulk plays NO roll in my actual costume.
BE SAFE - use protection - and have at least one piece of candy halloween night. for me.