adult moments, volume 2
A few months ago, I wrote this post entitled "The Moment I Knew" in which I highlighted various key moments in one's young adulthood where they realize "Wow. I'm an adult." And no - the moments aren't obvious like "I got married!" "I had a baby!" "I finally enrolled in a 401K program at work!" Eff that es. These are raw, real moments like finishing an entire bottle of wine by yourself alone in your apartment on a Friday night - true moments that make you a true, miserable adult. Miserable, but real. With the new year now in full swing (a year that, just FYI, I have deemed YEAR OF THE SINGLE WOMAN), I can only imagine how much more grown I will feel come next December. Unless I'm gone by November. If you got that reference, you are hip and have good taste in music.
Before this past New Year's Eve gets too far away from me and becomes irrelevant, allow me to kick this post off with our first "moment"...
You know you're an adult when you realize how ridiculous New Year's resolutions are. Just the fact that you have to wait until an entirely NEW YEAR begins to "better" yourself already spells out failure. You could stop smoking at any point. You could go the gym right now, today. You could close your legs, open your eyes and ears and stay home alone one weekend night ANY WEEKEND. We all know that by claiming it's your new year's resolution, you've just been buying yourself time. I see through you. I see your soul. Thusly, why I resolved to NOT make any sort of resolution this year besides have a great fucking year. I just wanna suck face with boys and get my dance on, and I'm proud to say that is exactly what I did New Year's Eve and I NEVER WANT IT TO STOP.
The first time you willingly and happily pick up a friend's tab or insist on treating them to something - big or small - you have crossed the line from child to adult, my friend. This is a big deal especially since you're most likely much poorer at 25 than you were at 24 or 23 or 22 (backwards, I know but it seems to be the trend). When you know the bill you're splitting isn't even close to even or that you can't afford the drink you just bought them as much as they can't, you're pretty much the most mature friend ever. Of course, this completely ruins the whole idea of being an adult with your money and realizing you can't just spend it nilly willy, BUT... at least you're spending it on a thoughtful, friendly thing rather than that $7 dress from XXI that will fit you for one season and will be a distant memory this time next year. You treat a friend out of the goodness of your heart and expect NOTHING in return. No one is keeping tabs, no one is raising any eyebrow. You just have legit lady love for each other and you know no dude is gonna be picking up your drinks tonight, so you might as well act like the lesbians everyone thinks you already are.
The first time you are genuinely concerned about your dog's bowel movements and go as far to set him or her on a counter top so you can examine their rectum - YOU ARE AN ADULT. Even better, if you wipe them down with baby wipes and paper towels, you're one thumb-to-face-wipe away from being a Jewish grandmother. It should come as no surprise to you that I have done all of these things to my puppy and will continue to do so until she's old and decrepit - which she'll never be because she's going to be a puppy forever. But, really. This is the kind of shit I would've have ever thought about spending my time on even a few years ago. Wiping a dog's butt hole for excess poop then letting her continuously lick in and around my mouth and nose? I HAVE A HAPPY HOUR TO GO. PLEASE LEAVE ME BE. That was young, childish Emma. Now, I handle poop like a champ and ain't mad at it. Adult.
When you ask a friend or sibling or even a mother for book recommendations, you might as well sew your vagina up, buy a couple cats and start eating any and everything you want because you're condemning yourself to your apartment anyway. When reading becomes FUN again, AD-FUCKING-ULT. There is a lull in leisure reading from about teenagehood to 25. In high school, you're already being forced to read THIS many pages tonight to take a quiz tomorrow, so why on EARTH would you EVER want to read more of something else in your time away from reading? You want to be on AIM and create away messages from Incubus lyrics but not ever really be away because you're waiting to see if he writes you because if he does write you even when your away message is up that's a sign and he's gonna ask you out soon. Reading isn't fun until you've hit 25 and can't get enough fiction in your life to numb you to reality. After going through so many ups and downs day in and day out, you HAVE to read about a character who is experiencing the same stuff you are or, better yet, has it way worse. Or if you haven't gotten laid in months and 50 shades of dick is the only thing sustaining life in your genitals, that's a good excuse to yearn for leisure reading, too. Since going out mid-week is laughable to you now, weeknights tend to be quiet and are perfect for cozying up with a good book and realizing how long you've let your leg hair grow. That's also an adult moment in and of itself.
My last moment I will discuss with you today is when you become crafty and frugal. When you hit a point so low with money, that you literally don't have a choice but to eat all that remains in your pantry and fridge until the last morsel of godknowshowold jasmine rice has been cooked and consumed. You become a honorary Vietnamese woman doing your own nails - the soaking of the cuticles, the cutting of the cuticles, the buffing, the shit talking about yourself TO yourself, offering yourself cheap wine to drink - ALL OF IT on your own. You figure out how to make your own hair turbans out of old target dresses with a glue gun and some sweat. You REFUSE to spend more than $5 on dinner and learn you can order the $4 kids meal at Pei Wei and do so with no shame. Basically, when you become cheap as the day is long and learn how to stretch a buck until it's in need of an oxygen machine to stay alive, THEN you are an adult. Or at least you're trying to be. I don't know when 20 bucks stops being considered a good amount of money, but it sure as shit isn't at age 25. I'll tell you that.
Happy 20FUCKING13 everyone. Keep making smart choices but also be spontaneous but also wear a condom but also maybe just stay home.