it's been a bit of a while since i've posted on my blog, but i have good reason for it. i started a new job. a WRITING job. a writing job that pays me MONEY. that being said, my blog has taken a backseat as of late, and it shouldn't complain about it since i'm now bringing home the bacon and oreos and lunch meat and sometimes a small pint of ice cream if i just can't deal. also, plastic water bottles when i'm feeling extra wasteful.
my new gig provides me my very own macbook pro, cool coworkers and the chance to finally follow my writing dream and speak my voice. but not my real voice - not the voice i use in these posts and in everyday life. no. my work writing voice is a very altered, very advertisey voice. my everyday blog voice is the voice of 20somethings.
like i've stated a million times, being in your 20s is really fucking hard. if you thought life was confusing and unfair as a teenager (which we all did), that crap looks like a walk in the park with maybe a few insects flying at your face compared to being in your 20s in the real world. and, on top of it all, we 20somethings tend to make things more confusing with the way we express ourselves on a daily basis via words. we say 1,000 over-exaggerated, ridiculous statements a day to stay connected and relate to one another on a melodramatic level only we can understand. i'm here to translate those phrases for you.
"I'm never gonna have sex again. I'm being so serious right now. Like I KNOW I will never have another penis inside of me. Here's to being unwillingly celibate forever."
translates to: "I'm really horny and I really miss having regular sex. I haven't boned in a while, but I know I will again sooner than later. I hope."
"I just don't understand how I got SO fat. Like when did this happen? I'm MASSIVE. Like a whale. Have I been unconsciously eating full pies in my sleep? I fucking hate all naturally skinny girls."
translates to: "I've gained around 5 pounds since graduating college and it's really depressing. I miss being able to drink beer and eat shit with almost zero consequences. Also, I fucking hate all naturally skinny girls."
"I'm fully getting back into working out and it feels AH-MAZING! I ran for 20 minutes this morning. My legs are already sore, no joke. Did you see my cool water bottle?"
translates to: "I half walked, half jogged this morning on the treadmill for 20 minutes and was heaving like a dying horse. I'm gonna brag to you all about it, but we all know I won't keep this up. Let me have this. Let me have this ONE day."
"Do you wanna split something? It'd be cheaper."
translates to: "Do you wanna split something? It'd help me control my overeating and make me feel thinner for the night. Also, I will convince myself I deserve to drink more since I ate less. And I'll probably whip up some drunk food later on, soooo..."
"I'm doing a juice cleanse."
translates: "I've never been more miserable and hungry in my life. But I've lost three pounds. But I also would eat dog shit right now with zero hesitation."
"I'm trying out this whole casual dating/sex thing and I kinda love it. I haven't heard from the last guy, but it's not a big deal because it's CASUAL! It's so nice not feeling that pressure to check in, ya know? I'm just gonna do me."
translates to: "I can do this. I can do this. Stay strong. It was just sex. Not a big deal. Penis in vagina, woop-dee-do. I mean, he's had to at least THOUGHT about texting/calling me. Was that last Instagram of his a sign of some sort? How could he NOT want this all the time? Whatever. I'll be the one who changes him and every other guy. I ALWAYS AM. MY LIFE IS A ROMCOM."
"I love being single."
translates to: "I love being single when conditions are as follows: I have 2 or more single friends who want to hang out constantly, it's a Friday/Saturday night with absolutely nothing going on and all my couple friends are doing nothing as well so I don't feel AS pathetic sitting at home alone, I have at least 1-2 prospective someones I'm flirty texting, my dry spell is minimal and I've had sex or at least a makeout within the last 3 months, there's tons of co-ed group gatherings happening with friends wherein a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't necessary, I've recorded 33 episodes of the Dog Whisperer, have velveeta and rotel in the crockpot, and bought myself a $20 bottle of red wine to drink alone."
"All these people my age are getting married. I just don't get it. I can't even picture my own wedding day."
translates to: "Get me drunk enough and I'll walk you through my entire wedding plan from where we'll get the cakes to which flowers we'll have. And I'll ask you to be my bridesmaid. All of this while I'm painfully single."
"I wanna die."
translates to: "I want to hide in my bed and never come out."
"I'm gonna kill myself."
translates to: "I can't believe I did that." "I'm so dumb." "I feel retarded." "It's been a horrible day." "I'm so annoyed." "Glad no one told me I had lettuce in my teeth all day." "I took a wrong turn." "I'm ready to pay the tab and leave, but the waitress is ignoring me." basically, this phrase can mean anything, but never actually what it really means.
and, of course, my two favorites
translates to: "I can't handle what you're telling me." "I can't respond to you because I'm at a loss for words." "I can't believe it." "I can't understand why she's such a slut." "I can't handle what an asshole he is." "I can't look at that girl's outfit because it's so insulting." "I cannot." this is said when you just can't.
"I'm literally going to rip my throat out of my neck - that's how bad it hurts."
translates to: "I have a really bad cold and my throat is super sore, but for dramatic effect, I'm going to use the word 'literally' to further drive the drama of the situation." we literally all say literally way too much. but like, we're serious. it's THAT literal, y'all.
i know we're a tough breed to understand, but just try and bear with us. and please don't hesitate to refer to this guide when you're confused about a conversation you may have just had with one of us. because, as of right now, i can't.