gird yer loins. summer's comin'.
it's that time of year again. the time where arms, legs, cleavage and a hint of midriff come barreling around the corner and heading straight for the nearest pool or snow cone stand or patio or grassy knoll or beach or a beautifully made all-white bed with silk sheets with the summer sun pouring in through the window like a sexy perfume commercial.
it's almost summer.
no matter where you live in the world, there's a certain feeling summer brings. it's not like any other season. not only is it usually way warmer than most every other time of the year, but it fills you with a sense of things to come, fun times to be had and hopefully... HOPEFULLY DEAR GOD ... some sexy situations. you've either been working on your fitness for the last 6-8 months and are more ready than most to bare all at the pool or, like me, you just realized you stopped working out at the most pivotal time of the year and are scurrying to try and regain SOME sort of definition and pray to god your tan will cover up the rest.
either way, you're excited.
i thought today i would provide you all with some summertime thoughts/tips/topics/pointers to carry with you throughout the duration of this season.
take your towel off and get the fuck down on the chair.
we all know the feeling of the very first time you step out into the summertime daylight at the pool and reveal what's been hiding under chunky sweaters and loose-fitting tops for the past several months. suddenly, little old you becomes acutely aware of her surroundings and you trick yourself into believing everyone at the pool is waiting to judge you. in reality, they couldn't care less, but you've decided all eyes are going to be on you as you approach the lounge chair with your towel on. you fuss with your 13 magazines and your water bottle. you lay down your extra towel on the chair and take five minutes to smooth it out. maybe you pretend to casually text a friend, but the actual text reads: "I'M ABOUT TO REMOVE MY TOWEL AT THE POOL AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. ARE YOU ALMOST HERE???" finally, when you think it's safe and while avoiding eye contact, you swiftly remove your towel. there you are, in all your glory. but don't just stand there - GET THE FUCK DOWN ON THE CHAIR AND FLATTEN THAT SHIT ASAP. that's my number one rule. don't overthink it. just lay down and get to gettin'.
pool drinking makes everything better.
alcohol, when used appropriately and not in heavy excess, usually makes things better during summertime. it makes you braver, stronger, harder, faster, looser, prettier, smarter, dumber, funnier, spunkier, tireder. and when consumed near or inside of a pool, suddenly you could care less about that one roll of shelf under your boobs and your thighs touching feels cozy, not upsetting. the girl who was nervous as hell to be practically naked in public an hour ago is now prancing around the pool area, grabbing beers for friends and having full on conversations with boys while standing confidently in her bikini. but pool drinkers beware: once you cross over that line from bikini confident to sloppy, "oh my god, is that her vagina lip sticking out?" drunk, you've ruined everything for yourself.
tanning oil isn't cool anymore.
oh, you still use tanning oil? well stop. this isn't Miami or Laguna Beach and you look like a greased up monkey. ain't nobody gonna wanna touch on that when they can barely get a grip on you.
everybody sweats, i'm just not sure how i feel about it.
Texas heat is not for the weak-spirited. it's the type of beast that few can handle willingly and that most have no choice but to handle. even though i've lived here for 16 years now, the summers don't get any easier and i always forget how brutal they are until they're happening. it's the kind of heat where you begin sweating the literal second you walk outside. that being said, i wonder what a man's view is on girl sweat during the summer. and i'm not talking like dainty forehead sweat - i'm talking back sweat, leg sweat, boob sweat, SWEAT. like, do y'all still wanna hook up? are you gonna judge me if you go to touch my butt and feel some hardcore lower back sweat happening? if your answer is anything less than, "that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard. sweat is sweat. who cares. i wanna makeout" then GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG NOW.
all white eerything.
although the fashion world likes to taunt you with neon brights and cool prints during the summertime, they're setting you up for failure. if it's tight - you will sweat. if it's neon - you will show sweat. if it's black - you'll be asking for sweat. personally, i choose white almost every time. i'm not trying to sound racist, but i just like white. it's light, it's airy and it shows off your tan.
poolside etiquette - yes, it's a thing.
some people (mainly massive douchebags in long board shorts, still sporting spiky hair and bicep tattoos) don't understand that, although the pool is a public place, you still need to act civil and treat it like a resort. unless you're at a designated party pool in the douchiest part of your town where yelling loudly and playing house music is not only acceptable but expected, there are poolside manners that should be common sense. for example, if you weren't the first one out at the pool with music playing, you lose. only ONE stereo should be blaring at a time. last summer, boys at my pool had playlist wars and tried to out-volume the other. it was chaos. if you really believe your taste in music is superior to whatever is already playing by the pool, strike up a conversation with the owner of the stereo and compromise. also, the pool is not the place to get sloppy drunk (as mentioned before). if you become so intoxicated that you're uncontrollably yelling, "I POP BOTTLES!" while drinking $5 champagne, ESCORT YOURSELF OUT. and if you even make a little bit of contact with me, i will look at you in a way that makes your penis shrivel inside of you. another point, the pool is like the gym wherein you shouldn't be talking out loud on your fucking phone. we're trying to relax and gossip amongst ourselves while soaking up rays and discussing plans for the evening. i don't care about your night before or who got engaged to who or that your friend is having trouble finding your apartment complex. TAKE IT INSIDE.
i'm sure as the summer unfolds, i will be back with more observations and life advice for you all. but for now, enjoy the onset of the season and don't forget to wear sunscreen, have a lot of fun and that tankinis are the most offensive article of swimwear known to womankind.