People We Shouldn't Trust

I'd say that, by nature, I'm a trusting person. I haven't experienced enough betrayal in my life to act otherwise. Some may say it's naive to do, but 9 times out of 10, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Of course, I'm also naturally pretty great at knowing who's good and who's a bag of shit. Within a few seconds of meeting you, I can tell whether or not you're gonna be worth my friendship or time. I'm not tryna be a bitch - I'm just telling you like how we all know it is. All this being said, there are a handful of actions that humans can do that make me automatically not trust you and judge you so hard, you're gonna be walking around tomorrow like you sat on a sharp object.

If you prefer white pasta sauce over red, I don't trust you. People who willingly order alfredo ANYTHING are dead to me. Who doesn't like red sauce? I don't give a fuck if you hate tomatoes - so do I. But red sauce isn't a raw tomato. Have fun guzzling down pasta jizz - I'll be over here eating marina or bolognese like a normal, gluttonous human.

If you don't drink coffee or even tea, I don't trust you. How do you start your mornings? Oh. With Diet Coke? I wrote a post about that years ago and it still stands. Who in their right mind wakes up and thinks, "You know what sounds perfect right now? A cold-ass Diet Coke. YUM." If I can't sit down and have a cup of coffee with you or go on a coffee run with you midday for shits and gigs, get the HELL OUT OF HERE. Also, this Family Guy clip is one of my all-time favorites:


If you don't drink alcohol, I just can't. I went out one time with a dude recently who doesn't drink, and at first I was like "I could handle this. I could do it. Maybe it'd be good for me. I'd lose weight? Maybe I use casual alcohol as a crutch sometimes. Maybe beer isn't that great. Or wine. Or vodka." Don't worry - I quickly came to my senses and realized how FUCKING INSANE I was thinking. What is life without a glass of wine to unwind or a delicious cold beer on a patio? What's more fun than getting shithammed with a guy and being stupid together and laughing about it the next morning while you suffer your hangovers together, as a unit? Also, people who don't drink or do anything within that vein have to find an outlet elsewhere - and you KNOW that outlet is something fucked like S&M or beating dogs or something as equally disturbing.

If you don't cuss, what are you even doing on my fucking blog right now, ya fuck?

If you don't take any form of birth control - like none at all - I just... I... I don't... What are you... Oh because that's safe... And wow. If pills or everything else make you whacked out and fat, GET THE IUD UP IN THAT BITCH.

If you don't have a firm handshake, you probably weren't raised right. I know that sounds harsh, but if your handshake makes me grimace or cringe, what do you want from me? To lie? I don't sugarcoat things. When in doubt, shake hard. Always go harder than softer, and for the ones who shake with three out of five fingers, USE YOUR WHOLE HAND. A handshake is a sign of confidence - if yours is firm, you probably enjoy walking around naked. If it's weak, you've probably never looked at your vagina in a handheld mirror or 69'ed. YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

If you've never seen Wet Hot American Summer, well... I don't distrust you right away. However, if you have and can't quote it/didn't really find it funny, YOUUUUU GET OUT OF HERE.

If you eat olives and enjoy it, it's not that I don't trust you - I just find you kinda gross, but in no way am I gonna hold that against you. I get it. People have different tastebuds, which results in some people enjoying the taste of pure sodium dumped into their mouths. I guess as long as it's not WHITE PASTA SAUCE, we're good.

If you don't like queso, you're wrong.

If you don't like food as much as I CLEARLY do, then this entire post has probably seemed super odd to you. And for that, I really don't trust you at all.

If you don't know how to use the iPhone maps app, what are you even doing with your life? Just driving around aimlessly, guessing where your destination is? Using a 10-pound GPS that's hooked up to your dash? Wait. Do you not have an iPhone? Oh, well if that's the case, we have a way bigger issue here.

If you:

- won't try a piece of my pie

- don't offer me a piece of your pie

- eat your peas one at a time

- have a weird laugh

- don't have great eyebrows

then I don't trust you. Also, if you understood all of the above are references to a particular sitcom I hold very near and dear to my heart, I trust you forever and with my life.

Wow, a lot of that really was just about food. #fat.



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