Love Advice, Love, Emma.
I'd like to start this post off with something I saw this morning that made me feel a lot better about life in general:
Knowing that J.Lo isn't perfect makes my imperfections beautiful, y'all. Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's still she's still Jenny from the block (hands down, that album was the best career move she ever made besides being a Fly Girl).
Enough on that dumbass, though. Let's get to the good stuff.
I haven't written one of these Love Advice posts in a long while, so allow me to refresh everyone's memory on how they work. I troll through the interwebs, searching for love/relationship/sex questions that are publicly asked and publicly answered. I share the question with you, post the immediate facial reaction I had in response to said question, then re-answer the question myself. Got it? Good. And we're off.
"I've been going out with a guy for almost a year. But the problem is that I don't really talk about anything. He's always telling me to talk about something, but I never have anything to talk about. I don't know what it is, but I'm afraid that he will leave me."
Oh. Um. You, what? Are you mute? I'm really asking. Are you deaf, maybe? Or are you really that boring for real? If you're really honestly totally definitely for real THAT boring, you should probably just take a hiatus from dating and figure out why you don't have much to say. Maybe get some new hobbies or like go into a bar and start some shit so you have at least have that one, epic story to tell whenever there's an awkward moment with a dude. Better yet, instead of going on a hiatus, dump this guy, get into that messy bar fight, then serial date. Go on one date each with tons of dudes and only tell that bar fight story, then mysteriously disappear. They'll always wonder why you never called them back and tell everyone they know about this one hardcore chick they took out who beats up bar patrons for fun. Also, random question: are you like super good at sex or something? I can't figure out why else a guy would stick around for a year when you have nothing to talk about. Unless you're like mind-blowing in bed, because that would make sense because... men.
"I've been with my fiancé for one and a half years...He's always been good to me but when we're around other people he puts me down and makes me look stupid."
Wait. Wait. Wait. What? Here's what I just read "He's always sooooo good to me, but then when we're around other people, he beats me mercilessly and calls me fat and ugly and pokes me with large sticks. Me confused." This is a classic case of "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN WE'RE ALONE." If you and whoever you're with are a completely different couple in private, it's time to check yourself before he wrecks both of you and the neighbor's dog. This is why I've always been such a supporter of PDA - if you feel that affection toward someone in the middle of hanging out with friends, fucking show it, man. Otherwise, people may not know how much you truly like/love who you're with. SHOW THAT SHIT OFF SO NO ONE CAN WONDER WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH EACH OTHER. But all that's beside the point. Let's get to the heart of this matter: a man who tears you down in public and makes you feel stupid with his words and his scoffs probably has a really small penis and "owns" his own "irrigation business" (not speaking from personal experience) (totally speaking from personal experience). It's cliche but true that people who give you back-handed compliments or stay stone-faced when everyone else around you is cracking up at your jokes is an insecure, stupid piece of shit. So. Get rid of anyone in your life who fits these descriptions, because they're probably plotting to kill you soon anyway. Beat them to the punch, so to speak.
"I have a question on flirting. I'm doing it all the time but it's never successful and now I met this guy that I'm trying to flirt but I just get lost or so confused. When I give him eye contact and he looks back I look away immediately and it seems like I don't like him. What should I do?"
This is my impression of you flirting:
Listen, girl. Flirting isn't that hard. I mean, I guess for incredibly awkward people it probably is, but it shouldn't be. Eye contact? I mean, yeah. That's a good caveman advance, but that's not gonna get you anywhere fast. I suggest just pullin' yer top down and dumpin' 'em out. That's always worked for me. Or, work your way up to getting their phone number and send them this text:
The more forward, the better. It definitely doesn't scare guys at all. JK, y'all. My real advice is this: you either know how to flirt or you don't. For some of us, it's innate. We get off on it. We love it. We are the ones who believe that the main way to communicate between the sexes is by flirtation. We don't exploit it, but we definitely use it to our advantage and are tactful about it. For the unfortunate lot, they fumble their words, their faces and their bodies when trying to flirt. It either comes off super creepy or super awkward, but nowhere in between. You're either born with the perfectly gentle but aggressively flirty touch or you're born with an unfortunate everything. So. Sorry bout that.
"This boy's asked me out and he has had loads of experience with girls but I've never even kissed anyone before! I'm 15 and think it's about time I got over this fear but have no idea how to french kiss. Please don't tell me it comes naturally. Are there any instructions you can give me?"
Ugh, my heart. I had my first makeout at 15, too. And it. was. AWFUL. I'm not gonna sit here and give you kissing tips, because everyone has their own style (many of which are terrifying and confusing). I'm also not gonna tell you "it comes naturally," because it fucking doesn't. Show me someone who actually had a great first ever kiss and I'll show you my boobs. A first kiss in your teens is messy and sloppy and the most awkward thing you'll ever experience besides your first bj or first sex or first weird sex noise (but after that first one, you'll just laugh. A lot). The only way to learn how to kiss is to keep doing it. Any opportunity to kiss someone you're interested in, take it. Use them as your practice board. Soon, you'll learn what you like and what your style is and laugh heartily at the younger you who was so concerned about kissing - stupid bitch. Here my only two nuggets of advice: when in doubt, let them use tongue first. Also, learn how to linger on kisses. No one likes the "1 and 2 and 3 and 4" rhythm. Ew.
"I know that I play games but I'm scared that if I stop playing, I'll be out of the running. I love the beginnings of relationships. I allow myself to get really close really fast but then it's like something inside of me snaps. I start to pull away, almost withdraw completely, and then, just as the woman involved has almost given up, I snap back like a human rubber band. Eventually, I wind up alone. And miserable. Then I start the cycle all over again with somebody else. I've been doing this for a while now. I'm 35 years old and feel I'm ready to settle down but I can't break the cycle."
Wait, so, you're saying that you fall really hard for a girl, chase her even harder, then, as soon as she starts to reciprocate your feelings, you pull back and turn into a raging dick monster? I know you. Your name is Man. Even better, you specifically are 35-Year-Old-I've-Been-Playing-Games-For-Too-Long-And-Have-Huge-Commitment-Issues Man. Even EVEN better, I can't help you anymore. No one can. Bye.
"I am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months. This is my first relationship and I am truly in love with him. The only problem was when I was drunk I hooked up with this guy I used to have a crush on. I told my boyfriend the truth which really hurt him but he says he wants to work it out because he loves me and does not want to lose me. I felt so guilty before he knew and know I feel so guilty afterwards but I really do love him and want to be with him."
I dare you to look me in the eyes in this picture and say that last part again. Here's the thing... you're 21. That's young. Old enough that you should know better, but young enough to be a fucking idiot. Everyone has different outlooks on cheating - for some, it's a no questions asked deal breaker. For others, it's forgivable even understandable in the most delusional of people. "Wait so you slept with someone who's not me? Hey. Ya know what? It's fine. No, really. Big deal. P in V. It says nothing bigger about our relationship, so I'm not worried. It in no way means that you're: bored, bothered, annoyed, done, out of love, disinterested, unsatisfied, confused, or even a heartless, sociopath with a do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way ATTITUDE. You wanted someone else's P. It's natural to think about that stuff, maybe even fantasize what it would be like to sex up someone like Ryan Gosling or Javier Bardem. But carrying out the act is a whole other ball game. Admit it, accept it, live with it and break up with your poor, weak boyfriend so he has a shot at actually growing into a confident, unbroken man. Do it, please. For all of us.
This one is not offline, but rather a real-life question my friend asked me the other day. "Should I try dating websites?"
Ya know. This is a toughy. There are a lot of stigmas that are attached to being apart of the online dating community. I've been there. I've done a few. Did anything come of them? No. Did I meet quality men? Like maybe 2. Did I see more shirtless pictures and frightening, serial killerish facial hair than the average, offline person sees in a lifetime? For sure. But it's a good alternative... maybe. The trick is, you can't get inside your own head too much. If you start to really think about what you're doing (shopping for a boyfriend online and messaging with someone you've never met, then meeting up with someone you are about to meet for the first time whom you 'found' online), you will mind fuck the shit out of yourself. Online dating is much more acceptable and common nowadays, that's for sure. But it's not always successful and a lot of the time it can be just as disheartening as real world dating. If you're single and wanting to mingle, I'd say why not give it a go. But just keep an open mind and don't continue to talking to a dude if he suggests your first meeting take place at his apartment where he could make you a fresh juice drink from all the produce he picked up from the farmer's market the weekend before (yes, that really happened).
That's all I got for today, kids. Hopefully you're leaving this article feeling smarter and more prepared for love and life. I know I am.