Life Advice, Love, Emma.

Oh. Hey, y'all. You might've noticed yesterday,  I skipped my very new but very thriving Wednesday post day deemed "Advice Day Wednesday." The thing is, I was being super important and super Hollywood hanging out on a commercial shoot the entire day. So, like...


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I mean. Just look at me. Huge coffee thermos? Expensive, unnecessary sunnies? That look on my face? I'm really important.

However, a curly-haired blogger who craves approval would never dream of letting her audience down. So, with that said, excuse my belated advice post, but make an exception for today because I have something pretty awesome in store.

I found this list on HuffPost called "20-Something Does NOT Have To Be 2o-Everything." At first, I was like wahhhhhhh? Then I was like, hmmmmm (that was me being skeptical at first, then being like actually, this would be prime blogging material).

I try to relate all my posts to all shapes and sizes, but in reality, I suspect my peers "get it" the most. Being in your 20s, as I've stated 120382ac78 times before (yes, there's an "a" and "c" in that number), is hard. It's harder than getting your front door unlocked when the weather changes and your keyhole swells up and you want to take a fucking axe to your apartment door. We thought being angst-ridden teenagers was bad, then we graduated college and were thrown naked and unarmed into the epic, brutal battle that is 22-29. At least that's how I see it.

So, in my usual fashion, I decided to take these 30 "tips" on not making your 20s your "everything" and rethink some of them for you. Sit back, relax, and let me tell you what's up.

"You will fail. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You will learn so much valuable insight and information from failure so stop playing it so safe. Not risking is risky."

I mean, yeah. It's true. But like, when you fail - whether it be at work, in a relationship, in a friendship - you're not gonna just brush it off like "ya know what, though? I have gained so much valuable insight from this. I took a risk and I'm proud of myself." You're gonna be like "I fucking suck. I'm so bad at my job and at life. Everything is terrible. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm not college-thin anymore, that's why he dumped me. I hate me." In hindsight, it'll be different and you'll be able to laugh it off (we hope), but for now, you're allowed to wallow in self-pity when something goes wrong. So long as you're able to put a stop to that self-pity in a timely manner, brush off your vagina, and try again.

"Don't try to be perfect. It's not only exhausting, it's impossible."

Really? I don't find it that tiring. HA! JK, y'all. I'm obvs not perfect by any means. And, any time I've been told I am by some infatuated girl or boy, I'm quick to point out my flaws - "Yeah but look! I have that weird bumpy skin thing on my upper arms and I can look super fat in a matter of seconds!"

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There is truth here, though. When you hit 24+, your body changes... a lot. And suddenly, your imperfections are magnetized tenfold. We're so damn hard on ourselves - I'm the number one culprit. I just hide it well. But I'll be damned if I'm not like the next girl, standing in the mirror thinking horrible, overly dramatic things about myself. As growing women, we have it rough. So, yeah. At some point, you gotta let go and let nature. Go on a cleanse if you want - drink only juice for a week if it makes you feel better. But know that it not only will make you look douchey but it's not gonna stop the vodka/pizza devil in your head from talking you into bad shit almost every weekend and ya know what? That's ok.

"There is huge value in "oh no!" moments. The things that don't go according to plan are often the biggest blessings in your life -- sometimes, it just takes time to clearly understand what the blessing is."

First off, has anyone ever had something go seriously wrong and responded by exclaiming "Oh no!" Secondly, yeah. It takes a fuck load of time to understand why something fell flat. I'm still waiting on some things. Sure, I've had the initial "OH NO! I DATED A SOMEWHAT VERBALLY ABUSIVE PSYCHO!" moment. Or "OH NO! I DATED A DUDE WHO LITERALLY WEARS THE SAME EXACT OUTFIT ALL THE TIME ALMOST AS IF HE'S A CARTOON CHARACTER" moment. But I'm still kinda like....... ........... ........................................... ...

"Youth does not make you invincible, but it does give you the amazing opportunity to create habits for healthy living NOW."

Wait but I thought you just told me that I can't be perfect. Isn't eating "right" and living a "healthy" lifestyle perfect? Or do you mean healthy living like cleaning my place up frequently and showering at least 3-5 times a week? Because the latter, I think, is up for debate when you're reallyfuckingsingle and maybe don't WANT to shower that much because who cares? Not your dog, that's for sure. This is just a big IDK for me because as much as your body sucks ass during your 20s, it's also the last decade of life that you can use a scapegoat for your shitty lifestyle habits. No? Also, we don't have the MONEY to create healthy habits. If you wanna pay for my "organic" groceries and super nice gym membership, by all means!

"Don't date someone's potential. When someone tells you or shows you who they are the first time, believe them."

THIS, THIS, A THOUSAND TIMES THIS. "But he COULD be so great." "He COULD be so successful." "I just know he COULD be amazing if he just tried harder." Really now? Come on. Whenever an idiot girl is saying this shit in my presence, I respond with "but imagine how you'd feel if you knew he was saying that about you. 'She COULD be so amazing.'" Stings to think about, doesn't it? No one wants someone who isn't awesome already. You want to be the apple of someone's eye. Haven't you learned anything from life yet in that people don't change? Habits? sure. Characteristics? No. If you're waiting for him to be all he can be and thinking you're the one who's going to change it, take a number and get in line behind the 1,000 other bitches who thought the same. I can't.

This is my "don't be dumb" face

emma's thing

"When it comes to break-ups, let go! No ex-stalking or obsessing. Move forward and do not shut down your heart. Getting hurt in love is something we all experience."

What's really interesting is that I realized the other day I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to ever see, speak to,  or be cordial toward an ex ever again. In high school and college, it was a different playing field. Although you took your life over the breakup, you knew deep down it was melodramatic and wasn't really going to effect you that strongly in the future. In the real world, dating life is even shorter and more casual, so when you break up, there's nothing to hold on to any longer. You made no history with these fools. There's no feeling of "owing something" there. If saw any of my exes out, I probably wouldn't so much as say "hi." Who cares? Not them. Not you. Get out of my way, thanksbye.

"SLEEP. Eat green foods and ditch processed stuff (if you do not know or can't pronounce the ingredients, don't eat it!)"

Sleep? Fuck to the yeah. I love sleep. There's no shame in the 9-10 o'clock bedtime game. I used to brag about how I didn't go to bed before 1am. Now, that only happens if a) I'm having an unusually fun night out where I don't want to go home almost as soon as I set foot in the bar or b) I have anxiety and can't sleep worth shit. But "eat green foods and ditch processed stuff"? I'm sorry, madam. Did you not just tell us to stop trying to be perfect? Being perfect involves having all the money in the world to support yourself and buy fresh produce on the daily and be able to whip up Iron Chef-level meals with said produce - none of which I have or do. I can buy a bag of lettuce and make a less-than-satisfying homemade salad with it, but you better believe I'm gonna treat myself to processed pizza at least once in the next two weeks. Hypocrites, all of ya.

"The workplace doesn't tolerate slackers -- don't be one!! Be more than your job description."

People will hate you and ask anyone who will listen why you haven't been fired. Don't be that person. If you hate your job so much that you can't even fake email or fake take notes, get out and get a new one. It's fine to be the 22/23/24-year-old slacking off like the baby you are, but from 25 on, you better recognize. Also, like I've said before, don't be afraid to take a day off every now and again. Personal/sick/whatever days are given to you BY LAW and therefore should be used whenever you see fit. Dude, if you need a mental rest day of laying in bed and watching a movie  and farting - do it. You're entitled. After all, you're a hard-working, no-slacking, greens-eating, not-giving-a-fucking 20something.

"Write down what you want to be known for. Make a list of your professional and character values and never sell out."

Ok. Here goes: a-MAHHH-zing blowies, great kissing, my australian accent impression, my lipstick, andddd making a killer pasta sauce. JK.

emma's thing

"Stop comparing yourself to everyone else and being so hard on yourself. Don't use Facebook as a torture device. Quiet your Inner Mean Girl or Inner Mean Dude and be your own best friend. Seriously, be nice to yourself!!!"

Ok, for real though. This is legit. Facebook is what I imagine Satan uses in Hell to torture his victims. "Oooo, Emma! Look here! 13 new engagements this weekend and half of them are girls 3 years younger than you!" "A writing opportunity at an amazing publication for this girl who's not you?!? So fun!" "This guy went to college, and graduate school, and now law school? God, you are such an underachiever." Facebook is the comparison tool of the century. Get on that shit late at night when you're already halfway down on yourself, and NOPE. Hellooooo, anxiety insomnia! I like to comfort myself with the fact that SO MANY PEOPLE try to display their happiness when, really, they're not that happy. For as many engagements I've seen via FB, I've seen just as many seemingly perfect couples breakup when I thought they were set for life. So. Tomayto, tahmahto.

"You're a grown up now, it is time to lovingly cut the umbilical chord with your parents and live YOUR life."

I have a question for you, writer lady. It's a two-parter. 1) Are you Jewish? 2) Do YOUR parents allow you to freeload paper towels and toilet paper from them month after month? I'm not disagreeing with your sentiment above. I'm all for cutting the proverbial umbilical chord, but when you're super close to your parents, there's a fine balance between cutting that chord completely and remaining available and open to them. You can date who you want and not take your parents opinion to heart, but if you're half as close as I am to my mom and dad... you know and I know they're always right about that shit. So. Don't stray too far from the ones who brought you into this world. They'll always be your biggest champions. Also, did I mention the free paper goods?

"Learn the language of your intuition and how to recognize when your heart is speaking to you and then how to respond once it does."

Mmm, totes. I'm still learning this, but think it gets better with every situation I'm in where my intuition comes into play. Your gut is there not only to embarrass you when you're naked but also to tell you what the fuck is up. Listen to it - always.

"Adopt a "what can I give" versus "what can I get" mindset. That is how you truly make an impact on the world."

Actually, for as selfish as I and the rest of my peers can be, I've been thinking about this ideal more lately. They refer to the 20s as your last chance to be selfish. Any time I complain about how painfully single I can be, my dad says "Enjoy it. Because before you know it, you're gonna have someone or someones to answer to and you'll be dying for alone time AND YOU'LL NEVER GET IT AGAIN." I think the mid-20s especially are about trying to find that balance between taking care of yourself and being sure to take care of the friends and family that mean the most to you. Of course, the term "take care of" can only go so far when you're a broke ass 20something, so I'm not speaking in monetary terms. I'm just saying be there for them like they're there for you. Once in a while, drop what you're doing to help them out. Text your friends randomly to say you love them or ask what they're up to when you know they're up to nothing. Just... be there.

There were 30 total tidbits of advice in this article, but what I called out above are the ones that spoke to me most. The bottom line is it can be really rough, but those shiny moments of "great" keep us coming back for more. Amiright or amiright?

Gotta go watch Sopranos now. Adriana just got her own nightclub care of Christopher - if you were interested in where I am currently.