Love Advice, Love, Emma.
Oh my god, she's back again. It's Wednesday, you guys. And you know that means. Well, you know what it's supposed to be mean, anyway. I'm trying to make it advice day on the blog, but sometimes my sporadic thinking gets the best of me and I end up writing off topic. Per yuge.
But not today! Today, I am sticking to my word and giving you love advice. I somehow find love advice questions that have previously been posted online, showcase my initial facial reaction to said question, then answer it the only way I know how: the Emma way.
Question 1: Why do I feel like being a magnet to destructive relationships? Either he's not available, super self-centered or not serious. Even if I knew I deserve better, why can't I stay away from bad boys? Am I being masochist?
Answer: Oh woe is you. You're just like EVERY OTHER SINGLE GIRL I KNOW. Wahhh. You like assholes. Booo. "Nice" guys confuse you and frighten you. Ughhh. You're no different from many of us, so don't try and act like you have a problem. We're all in the same boat, sister girlfriend. If you're a masochist, then so am I and every other 20something lady I know. The trick is finding an asshole who doesn't have commitment issues and makes you laugh, AKA a Unicorn. So, until then, just keep doing you and these "bad boys." One day, the clouds will clear, the heavens will shine down upon thee, and you'll finally decide you've had enough. You'll hang up your love of tasteful tattoos and occasional cigarettes and boys who shutter at the word "girlfriend" and never look back <-- this is me trying to tell myself the same while laying in the fetal position shoveling cheese into my mouth and crying sharp cheddar tears.
Question 2: I've been dating this guy for four months, and he kept saying he didn’t want a relationship. I was disappointed, but we kept in touch and kept hanging out—even though I was more reserved and distant because I was hurt things weren’t moving forward. Then a week ago, we had a discussion of our non-progressive status. He asked to be exclusive and even refers to me as his girlfriend now. What changed and can I trust he is really ready to commit?
Answer: Wait. Wait. Wait. So you're COMPLAINING that this guy had a change of heart after a few months and finally decided to take you seriously? Bitch, do you need me to slap you? How DARE you complain? HOW. DARE. YOU. If I've learned anything from my small bouts of "dating" (I put it quotations because I can't), it's that the boyfriend/girlfriend thing takes time sometimes. Yeah, when you're a young thing, you use those terms as often as Christopher Moltisanti uses H (if you get that reference, message me separately and let's makeout). But once you graduate college and life gets real, so do the responsibilities and commitment that go along with calling someone YOURS. Putting a label on, I've learned, is the ultimate test of patience as a young female. It's like waiting for a century plant to bloom (which is a real flower and takes 23 years to bloom). Maybe this dude was just trying to sift through some other bitches before he decided you were clearly the frontrunner or maybe he just woke up one day and pulled his head out of his crack - either way, he came around and that's truly all that matters in the end. And in four months - not bad. Now, if it took him like six - a year to call you his GF, then we'd have a problem and would need to address your daftness. But you're safe... this time.
Question 3: I'm really interested in this guy, but he's pretty reserved and a little quiet. How can I show him I'm interested without coming off as too chatty or desperate?
Answer: Just don't do this, ever.
Question 4: I met this guy when I was out one night and have been sleeping with him for about eight months now. I’m not the hook up kinda girl, but something draws me to him... My question is, when or is it already time to ask him how he feels about what’s going on between us? Or should I just go on gut feeling because he gives no signs of wanting to put a title on the relationship? I'm just at that point where I would like to be in a relationship.
Answer: I FUCKING CAN'T. Let me explain something to you, MADAM. If you willingly let a dude stick his wee-wee in your hoo-ha and never question it or him or what the fuck is going on or why you're so dumb but then decide "HEY! WAIT! But like do you wanna actually date or...?" I don't know what you expect the answer to be. This is a situation that I like to call "free sex." Yes, most sex is "free" unless you're turning tricks (been there, done that). But, in this instance, "free" means you're just giving it away and expecting nothing in return. You're not making him work for it. You're not asking anything of him for it. No labels, no commitment, no texts or calls to let you know he got home safe or he's thinking of you in more than just a sexual way. No. You're just laying flat on your back, throwing your legs in the air, and saying COME ON OVER, COME ON OVER, BABY. Any guy with red blood and a functioning weiner is gonna see that and take it. And if you let it go on like this for eight months before you decide to wake up from this never-ending sex dream, you're in for a world of hurt. Please refer back to question 2 wherein I stated that around four months of this bullshit is fine, but if it carries on any longer with no commitment in sight, BITCH YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE! Don't share your cooch unless you're willing to get screwed over - and not just literally.
Question 5: My boyfriend has been unmotivated about finding a new job after quitting his last one due to back surgery complications. I cannot keep supporting both of us, how can I get him more motivated to get out there and find work?
Answer: You tell that lazy sack of shit to get off his ass and put it into a sedentary desk job. That's what you do. Back surgery complications - fine. Okay. That's legit. But there is such a thing as milking a situation too much, and the fact that you had to write into a website to ask WTH to do makes me think your boyfriend is a pussybaby who has slowly but surely become a freeloader. Only you really know the truth, though. I mean if the prick is out and about on the daily, swinging a golf club and grabbing beers with friends, but moaning about how he just cannot go back to work - girl, you better recognizeeeee! However, if he's still in obvious pain and goes to the doctor every few weeks and is on medication and no one is really sure what next steps are to see to his full recovery, then you're an ungrateful bitch. Wow. This was the harshest answer I've ever given, I think. No apologies.
Question 6: I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now. There are a lot of things that I enjoy that he doesn't, like hanging out with friends for supper, going out to clubs, and drinking. He doesn't approve of me going out and drinking so most of the time I don't tell him. Is it bad to keep this from him even though I don't cheat?
Answer: Hmm, what? Oh sorry. I wasn't paying attention. I was on my phone because I CAN'T. This is a no-brainer: it's obviously completely fine, normal, and healthy to lie to your boyfriend about your whereabouts and not include him in your life whatsoever. It's also really admirable to be with someone with whom you share no common interests and don't enjoy any of the same activities. I envy your relationship. When my next boyfriend rolls along, I'm gonna make sure he hates all the things I love because I've clearly been doing it wrong. THIS and this alone has been where I've fumbled with relationships. Ya know what? Thank YOU for even asking this question. You've really shown me the light this time around. Love, a sarcastic angry annoyed bitch who can't deal with you on any level ever.
I can't anymore today.