Instagram Caption No-Nos

If you stalk me in any capacity or pay attention to the side-bars on my blog, you'll know that I love Instagram. Like, LOVE it.

Like, it's my absolute favorite app of all time.

Some days, I'll post up to four pictures (WHOA). Other days, I won't post any (HA JK) (Seriously though. I don't think that's ever happened).

For me, it's the ideal social media platform: pictures combined with short, witty captions. I get to tell the story of my day visually while concocting clever one-liners along the way. All this equals social media ORGASM.

Alas, I know not everyone feels this way about my beloved app. Some people love it, just not as intensely. Other people have it to have it but post like every two weeks-three months (I can't). And, believe it or not, there are still a handful of human beings in this technologically advanced world who refuse to download and become apart of the INSTA community - these are people with whom I cannot be associated.

I'm a copywriter - what I pay my rent with is my ability to create short, concise, clever messaging in the form of headlines, subheads, and scripts. Because of this, I know it's not fair of me to judge captions on their level of wit and cleverness, but I've been wired to do so, so I do. And by doing so, I've created a mental cesspool of overused/cliché captions that I JUST CANNOT anymore.

"Reunited and it feels so good."

I'd be willing to bet that this caption is the #1 most written caption on Instagram, hands down. I can't take it anymore. Is there ANY other song about reuniting that we can turn to? Don't get me wrong - I'm 100% guilty of using this caption. It happened one time, and it hasn't since nor will ever again. I could try to scroll back through my, er, 2,553 photos and look for it, but do you want me to get through writing this blog today or not? And the bigger problem with the "reunited" caption is that people try to own it and make it clever in their own way, and still, it fails. "Reunited and it's not half bad!" "Reunited and it feels AH-MAH-ZING!" "Reunited and it feels actually pretty decent." I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Get original, y'all. Here's a list of songs about reuniting - see what you can make of it and get back to me. And, when you do get back to me, we'll be reunited and it'll feel...

"It's a ________ kind of day!"

Is it? Is it a blankity blank fill in the spaces kind of day? There is no stopping this force of nature caption - it's everywhere. It's not limited to one thing. It can be about an outfit, a song, an entire album, a movie, a meal - IT KNOWS NO BOUNDS. To me, it's just a copeout. You're stating the obvious, e.g. it's cold outside, so you're all like "it's a scarf and mittens kind of day!" or everyone knows you just broke up, so you're all "it's a Bon Iver kind of day..." (everyone knows the ... is essential to portray sadness, confusion, and trailing-off thoughts). The latest culprit I saw post this unoriginal caption is a pretty big blogger whose website is cupcakes and cashmere. I immediately screenshotted that shit and blasted it out to my friends who I know to hate the "kind of day" verbiage almost as much as I do:

emma's thing

Also, can I just state for the record that YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HER "RED NAIL POLISH." Like WUT?! If we're being literal, the caption should've been "It's a leather leggings + animal print flats + gold watch + I have red nail polish on that you can't see in this picture kind of day." But all that's besides the point. The point is, no matter what kind of day it is, it's more than just that kind of day. <-- poetry.

"Yes please!"

Absolutely NO please and thank you. When people use this as a caption or even as a hashtag, I want to thrash around like a crazy person. Mainly because I can't read it in anything but a) a gay man's voice or b) a waspy, cougar's voice. "Yes please!" reminds me of a ridiculous inside joke my best friend and I used to have and say just to be assholes: "I love shoes, men, and chocolate - IN THAT ORDER!" It's just so... cheesedick. Allow me to showcase for you three prime examples of the types of 'grammers who use this caption/hashtag:

1. the sorority girl

emma's thing

2. the girly-girl who loves sparkles and tulle and floral headbands (still)

emma's thing

3. the girl whose life mantra is that whole "i want a guy who loves me in sweatpants" bullsh

emma's thing

 Enough said, yeah? Don't be a "Yes Please!"er. Just don't do it.

"I never do this..."

The dreaded trying-to-play-coy-with-a-selfie caption. I've preached about this before. When it comes to the selfie, JUST OWN IT. And if you feel that awkward about it in the first place, don't call it out further by making it known that you NEVERRRRRR do this. Yeah. We know. If I follow you, I'm most likely well-aware that you never post pictures of yourself. But, you see, I'm the type of person who is gonna respect the shit out of you the first time you DO post a selfie. I'm gonna like that shit no matter what because hey! You did it! So there's just no need to call yourself out - it's embarrassing. It's kind of like when you have a pimple only you can really see, but you have to tell everyone who looks at your face that day "don't look at my pimple. It's so bad." It's word vomit. But the beauty of Instagram is, you can control your word vomit with your own fingers. Don't fall victim to "never doing this" like these lost souls:

emma's thing

Oh. Yeah? Bored at home, playing with makeup. #ineverdothis but like #whynot, ya know? CAN'T.

emma's thing

So many things are happening here. Bathroom. Bathroom stall. Peace sign. "huurr." #ineverdothis except for when I always do this.

emma's thing

What's why? What is why? Because you got 43 likes and obvious positive feedback? Because you don't look ugly? Because you got all model on yourself and did that casual "oh what? I was just tucking my hair ever-so-loosely behind my ear" pose? I WILL SLAP A HOE.

"                  "

My last grievance with captions is the no caption. Honestly, more often than not when I see absolutely zero caption happening, I instantly assume they just got ahead of themselves and posted too quickly. THAT'S how ridiculous I view the no caption - as something that shouldn't ever happen on purpose. Really? You have NOTHING to say about this picture? You're just gonna leave it up to me to decide what I'm looking at and create the story behind it? Your lack of imagination and effort disgusts me, sir. And the landscape pictures with no captions are the ultimate worst. I'm not a fucking artist. I'm not a scenery guru. I'm gonna need you to AT LEAST tell me where you took this picture/where you are/SOMETHING. Give me something. Or if it's a picture of your dog whose picture you've posted countless times, so what? There's infinite words in the English language - I know you can think of something halfway clever to say about this new picture of your pooch. Guh. The gall of people, I swear.

So, in conclusion, when it's an Instagram kind of day, and you're meeting up with a long lost friend that night who you know will feel so good to be reunited with, and you never do this but like YES PLEASE!........ just don't.