Last Friday Night
I went streaking in the park, skinny dipping after dark, then had a ménage à trois. Last Friday night. It's laughable how on the other end of the Katy Perry "fun" spectrum my last Friday night was, but on my spectrum it was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I felt compelled to write an out-of-the-norm Monday post about it.
In all seriousness, it wasn't that awesome. Actually, it was so unawesome on the conventional scale of what constitutes awesome that most people are gonna read this and be like "aw. That's so sad." But, to me, it was hilarious.
So I left work much earlier than usual on a Friday, around 4:45, and drove my ass straight to the local shopping mall. I had my eye on the new and improved denim at Madewell and figured I'd scratch that itch right now, tonight, instead of having to punch 100 bitches in the jaw during the weekend rush. So, I went shopping. Then I picked up some delicious green curry from my favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant and a bottle of wine and went home to lounge. And lounge I did. I watched Aziz's new standup, "Buried Alive" (if you haven't already seen it, make it a priority because it. is. hilarious. click here for 1min of uproarious comedy), cuddled with my beloved pup, and was happy as someone who is super happy.
Then, around 9pm, I realized that Thanksgiving turkeys need to thaw for days ahead of time and that I was hosting Friendsgiving the very next night (Saturday) and hadn't purchased said game meat yet. So, halfway tipsy off of cheap white wine, I threw myself and Cece in the car and went grocery shopping, at 9pm, on a Friday night. Hi. I'm 26 and okay with these actions. In fact, I wouldn't have wanted to change my Friday night for anything.
So here's the part that inspired an actual blog post today. You see, I'm a clothing addict. Not as bad as some, but not as good as others. However, I make sure to go through my closet every few months and pair down my collection. If I haven't worn something in a certain amount of time or just know it doesn't fit anymore/is outdated/that I've been needing to part ways with it for too long, I fold that shit up, stick it in whatever big shopping bag I have laying around, and try to pawn it off at second-hand clothing stores. WHAT? I'm gonna try and get some monies first before I toss it at homeless people. So sue me - I'm only a typical, greedy human.
This closet clean out go round, I found some real gems. You know those items you KNOW you've been needing to do away with for years, but the thought of putting forth effort to trying them on makes you wanna give up before you even start? I had a few of those I had consciously passed over in many closet clean outs past, so this Friday night, I was like "I mean I'm here. I'm at home with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I have no excuses. I'll just finally muster up the patience to try some of these heinous, old items on and laugh and get rid of them once and for all." And so I did, y'all. And so I did. And these two pieces - this one dress and this one romper - were the ugliest, most hilarious things I've ever put on my body. So much so, that I had to take pictures and send videos to friends and family whom I knew would appreciate the shit out of it. So much so, that my downstairs neighbor who (thank god) happens to be my friend, said she heard me laughing hysterically at 10:30pm. She thought I was still watching Aziz, but no - I was having my own personal fashion show.
Horrifying item #1: the one-sleeved dress.
I wore this three years ago on New Year's Eve and thought I was going way outside my usual comfort zone with "going out" clothes. I was all "I'm so fancy and funky in this dress that's missing an entire sleeve." How and why has clothing like this ever been made? When you really think about it, it's kind of like the mullet of dresses - party on the left side, business on the right. My left arm is all "I'M A SLUT!" whereas my right arm is all "We can makeout, but that's it. Also, my left arm is cold." Anyhow, without anymore setup, here is the heinous dress that now smashes my breasts down like a pancake and here is the video of it I had to make:
Can you? Because I couldn't. I was very, very, very glad to see that one go.
Horrifying item #2: the shrunken romper
This is actually a sad story. My best friend was adamant I purchase this romper just a few months ago from a store I won't name but rhymes with Curban Troutkitters. It was a $70 romper, but it did look pretty awesome on, so I succumbed to my shopping problem. It was long and flowy - very 70s. And paired with a high wedge during the summer months? Get out of here. I wore it one time - once. In fact, I have a picture of the night I wore it. Here, for evidence that it used to be darling:
See? Not so bad, right? After that night, I did what any normal, responsible human would do and washed it EXACTLY HOW THE DIRECTIONS ASKED ME TO. Delicate, cold. Hang dry. Well guess the fuck what? Yeah. It shrunk. One fucking wear and done. So, naturally, I made a second video starring said romper and, naturally, youtube has been acting up all night and won't embed my video properly so you're gonna have to click a link (ugh soooooooooo annoying, I know):
To probably no one's surprise, no second-hand clothing store took the romper. Poor, poor romper. RIP Romper - you were worn once and loved, but then you shrunk and gave me camel toe and mom butt.
So that concludes my Friday night. This is my life, this is what I do. This is how I entertain myself. See it, believe it, try to be it - or just let me be it and laugh at it for your entertainment. Either way.